Sinking Deep

The phrase ‘sinking deep’ conjures up a few images. There’s the image of falling into soft, gentle comfort like a bed, a bean bag or a giant hug. That image elicits feelings of warmth and reassurance. There is also sinking deep into a swamp, where your feet get trapped and you slowly start sinking lower and lower. This image can inspire fear and anxiety. Today’s song is also called ‘Sinking Deep’, by Hillsong and I chose it because it was relevant to me on a number of levels.

Standing here in Your presence

In a grace so relentless

I am won

By perfect love

Wrapped within the arms of heaven

In a peace that lasts forever

Sinking deep

In mercy’s sea

One of the realisations that I’ve had on this journey that I’m on, is that grief and heartbreak happen on many levels. Like an onion, layers are peeled back one at a time. As time moves on, I can feel the hurt in new ways. I’m ‘sinking deep’ into my new reality. As I encounter new ‘firsts’, so I have reminders of the way things were and will never be again. Sometimes it feels like many small stabs to the heart. Each time I have to reassure and comfort the kids, each time I have to step up to the plate where before my husband would have done so, every environment I’m in where he would have been with me before, are all reminders that life has irrevocably changed.

I’m wide awake

Drawing close

Stirred by grace

And all my heart is Yours

All fear removed

I breathe You in

I lean into Your love

Oh, Your love

I’ve recently been on holiday with the kids and some friends. We went to the coast and had a wonderful time, lots of time spent on the beach and swimming in the sea, even though it’s winter here. I love the ocean, my soul finds peace just staring out at the waves. But even though it was a great holiday, it was hard and I came back feeing sad and heavy. Thinking over why I felt like this, I realised that I had been holding myself together to make sure that the kids had fun. I had to drive further than I’ve ever had to on my own, and assume responsibility for the family where before that responsibility was shared. I was really proud of myself for handling everything that came my way with ease. But underneath I was angry and hurt that I was having to do it on my own. It just doesn’t feel fair. This anger was starting to become all consuming until I got into bed one night and started journaling my feelings. I turned on my music and the song Sinking Deep came on. I had a strong realization that now I needed to sink deep into God. I needed to let out the anger and then let it go. I needed to sink into the comfort that God longs to give me.

When I’m lost You pursue me

Lift my head to see Your glory

Lord of all

So beautiful

Here in You I find shelter

Captivated by the splendor

Of Your face

My secret place

It was amazing how much peace I got when I let go and focused on God again. I was able to lean into His love. I played this song on repeat and just imagined myself wrapped in His arms, sheltered by His grace and peace. I was able to put down the heaviness I was hauling around. Once again I was reminded that when my eyes focus on my pain, the pain seems to increase and take over. When I focus on God, it doesn’t diminish the pain but I’m reminded that I can get through this, that this pain isn’t going to last forever.

Love so deep

Is washing over me

Your face is all I seek

You are my everything

Jesus Christ

You are my one desire

Lord hear my only cry

To know You all my life

I want to encourage you to let out and let go of what is worrying you, of the pain and anger and frustrations that you are carrying around. God completely understands them, and He longs to offer you His comfort and peace. When life is overwhelming and you are wondering how you will keep going, that is when we need to sink deep into God and allow his peace and grace to surround us, fill us, confort us and re-energize us.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/sinking-deep-live/692897617?i=692898251

Watch the lyric video for Sinking Deep by Hillsong Young and Free