It’s ok to cheat

It’s ok to flirt with your married boss. It’s ok to make your married colleague feel special and desired. It’s ok to feel like your marriage is struggling, like it’s stale and that you deserve more in life. It’s ok to feel like it’s time to put yourself first, after all you have been so selfless for so many years.

It’s ok to leave your wife of 15 years. It’s ok to leave your husband of 7 years. It’s ok for the kids too. After all kids are resilient aren’t they!! It’s ok to get your boss to leave his wife or her husband. Isn’t your happiness what’s most important! If it’s true love then that makes it all ok. It makes it ok to destroy a family. It makes it ok for kids to have only one parent or the other, never both at the same time. It’s ok to no longer have family holidays or family celebrations. It’s ok for the kids to have 2 Christmas’s after all. And who needs both mom and dad at their birthday party!

It’s ok that it’s awkward at prizegivings and award ceremonies to have mom and dad there, and maybe their partners too. It’s ok that it’s uncomfortable for the kids as they are worried about their parents fighting in public. It’s ok to have photos with either mom or dad but not both. It’s ok at weddings for kids to see their mom or dad get remarried. It’s ok that they may be dying inside but they don’t want to upset mom or dad so they will go to the wedding and put on a big smile.

It’s ok that a relationship built on distrust and brokenness will probably not last. After all, the kids are used to it by now!! New step siblings are easy to get used to. Seeing mom or dad have more children is ok too! It’s not weird at all!

It’s ok to destroy hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Because your happiness must take priority. It’s ok because it’s complicated. It’s ok because it’s true love! Life isn’t simple, it isn’t easy, which makes this all ok. It’s ok to break up friendships and communities. At the end of the day, life is all about looking after number one. Friends have their place but not if they get in the way of my happiness and my freedom.

It may be ok, and you will always find someone to tell you that it is.

But it’s not ok. Because happiness is transient, it doesn’t last. Relationships not built on firm foundations are shaky. A life built on the destruction of a marriage, of a family is never carefree and innocent, is hard to celebrate.

But those who you left behind, who you hurt the most will, hopefully, be ok. The devastation of betrayal will hopefully pass, establishing a new life, one they never asked for will take time. They have probably lost access to finances, to long term savings, to a lifestyle that they had worked hard for but now is no more. They have lost their best friend, their ‘person’, their partner in life. Used to dealing with problems and challenges as part of a team, now they need to forge through life alone. The cold empty bed is something they will get used to, in time.

It will take a long time, but once they have got over the rejection by their life partner, once they have grieved the deep loss of their marriage, of their lover, of their friend, of their hopes and dreams for the future, of their way of life, once they have processed this, then they will be ok. They will walk away stronger, more ok with who they are. Once the deep wounds have healed, they will be able to move on and find a new life, and maybe a new love. But always, in the back of their mind, they will know that they didn’t ask for this journey. They have dealt with the fallout of someone else’s selfishness. They have paid the very steep cost for someone else’s careless decisions.

But you will always know that you were the one who started the destruction. You may be forgiven, but you will carry the deep regrets of breaking up a family forever. You will know that children have grown up in a broken home because of you. Children who will never again have an easy, uncomplicated relationship with one or both of their parents. Children, who always yearn for stability and love, will doubt the love of one, or both of their parents.

But these children will be ok, hopefully. They may be stronger for their hardships, or they may perpetuate the cycle of relationship devastation. Only time will tell.

But I guess as long as you are ok and happy, then the rest of it doesn’t matter so much. Does it?

It is well with me

So many songs have the refrain ‘It is well with my soul’ in them, taken from the famous hymn of the same name. I’ve often wondered what the phrase really means, so I looked it up. The story behind the original hymn is incredible. Today’s song is from Bethel Music and it is called ‘It Is Well’.

Grander earth has quaked before

Moved by the sound of His voice

Seas that are shaken and stirred

Can be calmed and broken for my regard

The original hymn was written by Horatio Spafford. He was a well-to-do attorney in Chicago in the mid 1800’s. He was married with 4 daughters and a son. His son fell ill with Scarlet Fever when he was only 4 years old, and he died. Shortly afterwards, there was the Great Chicago Fire which swept through the city. Horatio lost most of his fortune and possessions in the fire. He then put a lot of time and effort into rebuilding the city and helping the homeless. In 1873, the family felt they needed a holiday to get away from all the stress they had been under, and they decided to go to Europe. His wife and daughters went ahead on a luxury liner, while Spafford remained behind to complete some work. Just off the coast of Ireland, the ship collided with an iron sailing vessel and the ship sunk. All 4 of the Spafford daughters died, but his wife was found unconscious on a piece of wreckage. I can’t imagine the devastation that Spafford must have felt when he heard the news. He immediately got on a ship to go be with his wife. He asked his ship’s captain to let him know when they were at the place where the liner sunk. As they approached the site of the tragedy, Spafford looked out at the sea and started writing the hymn ‘It is Well with my Soul’. The first verse goes:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

How is it possible to lose all 5 of his children, and still manage to say ‘it is well with my soul’? And what did he mean with that phrase? From what I can see, the phrase is talking about a deep sense of peace and well being. The kind of peace that only God can bring. The kind of wholeness of spirit that we can only find in God.

And through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

And through it all, through it all

It is well

And through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

And it is well with me

Today’s song indicates to me that the only way that we can even begin to find peace in the midst of tragedy and suffering is to keep our eyes on God. When we are drowning in sorrow, sadness and pain, the only way through is to take our eyes off ourselves and to look to God for help. When we are drowning in water, our instinct is to reach for something to hold onto, something to keep us afloat. And I believe it is the same when we are ’emotionally drowning’. We might grab onto something to numb the pain, but ultimately we will end up going under. There is no escaping the pain, the only way is to hold onto something steadfast, something that will guide us through the water and keep us afloat.

And far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

For me, God has been the life support that I have needed when I’ve felt like I’m drowning. In the midst of the pain and hopelessness, I have literally called on God to help. I still feel the pain, but I am not overcome by it. I still wonder what the future holds, but I’m not filled with fear. I still have to work through and process my thoughts and feelings, but I know that while I’m doing that, I’ve been pulled ashore onto solid ground.

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

Spafford and his wife managed to pick themselves up, and decided to move to Jerusalem to work with widows and orphans. So many of us would have been overcome by the tragedy that they had gone through. But somehow, they were able to continue living. And in living, they served many who were in need. For me the challenge is to not let our circumstances define us, to not let the tragedies in our lives determine our future. But to rather allow God to help us to keep living and to keep serving. And through it all to say ‘it is well with my soul’.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/it-is-well-live/862593658?i=862593692

Watch the lyric video for ‘It Is Well’ by Bethel Music

Sometimes

I think that the journey of pain is a real roller coaster. There are good days then bad days. Sometimes a few good days string together and you feel like perhaps you are seeing the light. Maybe, just maybe the worst is over. Then something happens, it might be something really small that acts like a trigger, sending you right back into the emotions you have fought so hard to get through. The anger and pain and grief suddenly seem to be all that surrounds you. The memory of the good days starts to dim and you feel like you are right back where you started. When is life going to get easier? When will the pain ease? A friend described this journey like a bungee chord, and at times that is what it feels like. Today’s song is called ‘Sometimes’ by the David Crowder band.

Sometimes every one of us feels

Like we’ll never be healed

Sometimes every one of us aches

Like we’ll never be saved

When you’ve given up

Let your healing come

Till you’re rising up

Let your healing come

I think we all know the feeling of wondering when an unfavorable situation will turn around, whether it’s at work or at home or in our emotional lives. And the longer that things go on seemingly without resolution, the harder we try to force change and cling on to anything that seems like it might help. Yet the harder we try, nothing changes. I’ve been struck this week by how many songs are about letting go, giving up, surrendering to God. I know I’ve written about it before, but I think I needed to hear the lesson again. Often we turn to God as a last resort, when nothing else works then we’ll try prayer. But it is only when we have completely given up, that God will work. How can it be otherwise! We would be too quick to take credit for change, when it was actually God who orchestrated the healing. We would also not learn to depend on God with our life. He would always be the ‘backstop’.

Sometimes, It’s like we’ll never atone

For all the love we’ve known

Sometimes, like in a smile or a song

When you feel love come

And that feeling’s gone

It flies

God doesn’t want to be our last resort, He wants to be the first place that we turn to for help. I have been finding myself in a difficult place again for the last couple of weeks. I knew that I needed to turn my eyes back to God, and I tried. But I was also busy being frustrated that I was back in the darkness. I tried reasoning things out in my head, and I was so angry. I felt a rage inside me and I wasn’t able to shake it. Eventually I needed to acknowledge that once again only God was able to calm the storm inside. In my desperation and distress I needed to find His peace and love again.

It’s your love that we adore

It’s like a sea without a shore

We’re lost in you, we’re lost in you

It’s your love that we adore

It’s like a sea without a shore

We’re lost in you, we’re lost in you

In today’s song, the image of the ocean is used again, but this time it’s in a very different way. God’s love is like the ocean, endless, the shore is not in sight. Everywhere we look is water, and that water is God’s love. In the middle of this ocean is where we find peace, love, hope. And we find ourselves having to make a choice. Do we just stand on the shore longing for the love that is in front of us, or do we dive in. Do we let fear hold us back from wading into the ocean, or do we move forward despite the fear.

Don’t be afraid

Just set your sail

And risk the ocean, there’s only grace

Let’s risk the ocean, there’s only grace

So often we let fear dictate our decisions, we let fear of the unknown hold us back from experiencing life as it could be, in all its beautiful messy real-ness. We let fear hold us back from diving into God, and experience the true peace, love and grace that He is desperate to share with us. And as I once again discovered, when we truly let go of all the pain, darkness, anger and fear, we find peace, we find freedom, we find comfort. Perhaps our questions of ‘how long’ and ‘why’ are not answered, but our focus changes. We are reminded again that we are not on this journey alone. We have not been abandoned, our prayers have been heard. And maybe we can’t see what is happening behind the scenes to make life right again, but we are reminded again to trust that God sees the bigger picture. He knows us intimately, He knows what we need and is providing for us.

Where you go we will follow

I’m on my knees

Where you go we will follow

Oh, God send me

And finally we are able to surrender to God, and follow where He leads us. We realise that perhaps He does know best. If we are feeling bold we say ‘God send me’, now knowing what the journey ahead holds. But we know the ocean of His love and grace, so we know that He wants only good for us.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/sometimes-live/721256750?i=721257117

Watch the lyric video for Sometimes by David Crowder

Blessings

I sometimes wonder if the way we see the world is upside down. As I’ve said before, I believe that our western culture is overly focused on the value of the individual. We prioritize self above all others, and we can see where this has led us. The environmental crisis facing us didn’t happen by chance. It evolved through man’s selfishness and determination to put the needs of ‘self’ above the needs of others. It is easy to demonize big corporates and governments, pointing fingers at them as both the creators of the crisis, and the parties who could make the most impact on resolving global warming. Don’t get me wrong, I agree that corporates and governments have a huge responsibility to correct the damage of the past. But let’s look at ourselves too. In our own communities, how much do we prioritize our own needs above the needs of our schools, workplaces, churches, friendship groups, families, spouses etc. And when we are so focused on ourselves, when we do encounter suffering it often feels like a personal affront. Today’s song is a challenging one by Laura Story, called Blessings.

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

I am speaking for myself here when I say that most of my prayers are for and about myself. I am looking for ways to make my life more comfortable and stable. I’m so often asking for my discomfort to be eased, for challenging times to pass quickly. Suffering is uncomfortable, painful and disconcerting. Pain is something that we avoid at all costs. But metal can only be freed of impurities in a furnace, clay can only be baked in an oven. After a veld fire, the new growth is so much greener and sweeter than the grass that was there before.

What if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

One thing that I know to be true, is that I am so much closer to God now than I have ever been before. And it is because of my suffering. In the good times we don’t need God so much. We sometimes remember to be grateful for our blessings, but our prayers aren’t born out of sheer desperation. It is in the darkest night that feels endless, that we realize that we cannot make it on our own. We are faced with our own failures, weaknesses and mortality. We question our existence and purpose. All our bravado and ego gets stripped away and we come face to face with our true selves and our Maker. And when we see Him crying with us, holding us and loving us because of our faults, we can start to fathom how deep that love is.

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we’d have faith to believe

The ‘why me’ question is often the first on our lips when something bad happens in our lives. ‘How can a good God allow such bad things to happen?’ we cry. I’m not going to even attempt to enter that debate. Instead I’d like to offer an alternative view. Edith Eger in her book ‘The Choice’, says that instead of asking ‘why me’, the question should be ‘why not me’. Why does someone else deserve suffering but I don’t? Why do I deserve a pain free life? The answer is that I don’t. Jesus never promised us a life without suffering, in fact he says ‘when you encounter suffering…’. It will happen to all of us, in different ways and at different times. But it will happen. And I’d like to suggest that we reframe our questions. Instead of being horrified that it happened to me, perhaps we could be asking what we can learn from the suffering, how will we grow, what is God going to reveal to me during this dark time.

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not our home

I certainly am not suggesting that we won’t feel pain and desperation, because we will. But that is the way in which we will grow, in which God will break into our lives which are so filled with busyness. In my times of deepest distress, I have heard God’s gentle whisper. In those times when I’m just not sure how to carry on, I have felt an overwhelming peace and comfort. I have seen God answer prayers over and over and over again. The more that I have relied on Him, the more He comes though for me time and again.

I was just reflecting on one of the decisions that I had to make during the period of time after finding out about my husband’s affair and before we separated. Even now I can look back and recognize that that particular decision was right. If I had gone with the advice of others, I don’t believe that I would have the peace that I have now, that I did everything that I could to try fight for our marriage. Which means I don’t have regrets about that period of time.

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

I will never wish for suffering, or voluntarily chose pain. And I don’t wish for suffering for others. But during the past two years I have been so aware that God has a purpose in my suffering. I’m not sure what that purpose it, but it is a comfort because I’m not walking through this alone. And I’m not going through this pain for no reason. I don’t believe that God inflicts suffering on us, but I do believe that He will use each and every tear if we let Him. If we turn ourselves towards Him, we will see His mercies in new ways. We will see just how much love He has for us in the grace that He shows us every day.

I don’t wish for suffering, but I am grateful for what it has brought into my life and how I have been changed, hopefully for the better.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/blessings/880693002?i=880693008

Watch the lyric video for Blessings by Laura Story

Listen to the My Song in the Night playlist, featuring songs from the blog

https://music.apple.com/za/playlist/my-song-in-the-night/pl.u-gxblMR7txxMyzv

Beloved

I remember growing up and hearing from my grandfather that pain wasn’t always a bad thing, pain was our body’s way of sending us a message. My mother re-inforced this message. She’d tell me to listen to what my body was trying to tell me. I have tried to do this over the years, if I was in discomfort, I’d try and rest instead of forcing myself to keep going. Since being diagnosed with depression many years ago, I’ve tried to apply these lessons to my mental and emotional state of mind too. Today’s song is ‘Beloved’ by Jordan Feliz.

Head full of questions, how can you measure up?

To deserve affection, to ever be enough

For this existence

When did it get so hard?

Your heart is beating, alive and breathing

And there’s a reason why

You are essential, not accidental

And you should realize

You are beloved

I read a Facebook post by Lisa Terkeurst where she talks about how experiencing excruciating pain literally saved her life. Doctors were struggling to find the source of her pain, and she was praying desperately that God would take the pain away. It took 5 days before the doctors found what was wrong, and if the pain had gone away she would have probably been discharged and likely would have died. As I was reading this I was struck by the parallels with emotional pain. Our emotional and mental state are indicative of what is going on inside us. As a culture we tend to ignore or suppress emotional pain, we force ourselves to carry on despite how we are feeling. We don’t give our emotions and mental state the same significance that we give physical issues.

But we all know what happens when we don’t deal with the emotional difficulties we have experienced. We have all seen people over react to relatively minor incidents, we’ve seen excessive rage, difficulties in maintaining healthy relationships, the search for escape through drugs, alcohol and sex. I believe that much of this could be avoided if we deal with our emotional pain like we do with our physical pain.

You are beloved

I wanted you to know

You are beloved

Let it soak into your soul

Oh, forget the lies you heard

Rise above the hurt

And listen to these words

You are beloved

So as I was reading Lisa’s post I realised that I was thankful for my emotional pain and the journey that I am on. If I wasn’t feeling pain, then I wouldn’t be dealing with what has happened over the past couple of years. I have been processing a lot, working with my counselor and drawing closer to God. None of this would happen if I wasn’t experiencing the rejection, loss and sadness that I have been. As my counselor says, if you don’t experience the pain and deal with it now, it will come back at a later stage, and it will be even worse. I can’t just lose a 25 year relationship without consequences. I need to examine myself, find out who I am and acknowledge the depth of the betrayal. And I also need to look for the ways I am healing and growing and strengthening on this journey.

Sometimes a heart can feel like a heavy weight

It pulls you under and you just fall away

Is anybody gonna hear you call?

But there’s a purpose

Under the surface

And you don’t have to drown

Let me remind you

That love will find you

Let it lift you out

I have also drawn closer to God in a way that I have never done before. I am so aware of my need for Him. And as I reach out to Him in distress and sadness, so I allow Him to comfort me, to strengthen me and to guide me. The phrase ‘God will meet you in your need’ is so true for me. At every stage on this journey, God has met me where I’ve needed Him. He has made His presence known through music, friends, the Bible and just a deep sense of peace.

Don’t be afraid

Don’t let hope fade

Keep your eyes fixed on the light above

In the heartbreak, in your mistakes

Nothing can separate you from love

I chose today’s song because I believe that by dealing with our pain, both physical and emotional, we are honoring our bodies and our minds. We are showing love to ourselves. And the more we love ourselves, the more we realize and accept how much God loves us. We are his ‘beloved’, and we are deeply loved.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/beloved/1445666066?i=1445667813

Watch the lyric video for Beloved by Jordan Feliz

Praise You in this storm

The past couple of weeks have been really hard. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and have been feeling quite down. I have had enough of the struggle and darkness. How long will the pain last! Can I just skip to the part where life is good again? Despair has been lurking, waiting to push me off the cliff. I had a refrain running through my head but I couldn’t work out which song it was from. I eventually did a google search of the lyrics and found that it was ‘Praise you in this storm’ by Casting Crowns.

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down

And wiped our tears away,

Stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen

And it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear your whisper through the rain

I’m with you

And as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

The God who gives and takes away

When I listened to it again, the lyrics resonated with me. Surely by now God could have sorted things out, healed the hurt and helped us move on! But He hasn’t, it’s still raining, sometimes it feels like a torrential rain and I wonder if I will just get washed away. I’m getting tired of holding on to hope.

And I’ll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

And you are who you are

No matter where I am

And every tear I’ve cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

The image of God holding my tears in His hands gets me time and time again. It talks of such tender care, of deep, intimate love. It’s a sign of togetherness and comfort. I have realised that I’ve been watching the storm, and bemoaning the wind and rain. I have taken my eyes off of the One who calms the wind, who gentles the waves. Those moments where I’ve felt overwhelmed and drowning were the moments when I was relying on my own strength to see me through. And there is no way that I’m strong enough to walk through this hurricane.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone how can I carry on

If I can’t find you

There is a Psalm that I love, and I’ve been praying over and over recently, especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It is Psalm 121, here are verses 1-4: “I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.”

Today’s song ends with these those words, and that was the refrain that I was thinking about. In my head when I say the words ‘I lift my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from?’, I picture God on top of the mountain. He created that mountain and He created me. He can see much further than I can, He knows infinitely more than I do. Surely He can give me the strength that I need to navigate this path! So today lift your eyes up off yourself and the troubles that surround you. Look at the One who made the mountains, who calms the seas and trust Him to give you the help that you need. Trust Him to see you through the storm, and to bring you to the peace and shelter on the other side. That is what I’m holding onto.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/praise-you-in-this-storm/269440851?i=269441147

Watch the lyric video for ‘Praise You in this storm’ by Casting Crowns

God only knows

Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin’

Too afraid of what might show up while you’re dreamin’

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you

Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you

Every day you try to pick up all the pieces

All the memories, they somehow never leave you

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you

Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you

One of the hardest things about going through a tough time is the loneliness. As much as people give support and love, you are the only one who can walk the road that you are on. I have amazing friends who have been an incredible support, and I thank God for them everyday. I have a group of people who pray for me and the kids, and I am so grateful to be able to send them messages to pray for something specific. But as supportive as they are, I still need to wake up everyday and face whatever the day brings. The song today is ‘God only knows’ by For King and Country.

God only knows what you’ve been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows how it’s killing you

But there’s a kind of love that God only knows

God only knows what you’ve been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows the real you

There’s a kind of love that God only knows

What has surprised me over and over in the last 2 years has been how God turns up when I need Him most. I know intellectually that He is with me all the time, but there is a big difference between head knowledge and heart awareness. There have been a number of times when I’ve been in such emotional pain that I have cried out in despair. I couldn’t have even put words to what I was feeling and I’d call out to God. Sometimes I would shout a loud ‘WHY’. Or it was a cry of desperation, a plea for relief from what I was feeling. There was usually a lot of anger. I didn’t know before this experience that acute emotional pain is as real as physical pain. But every time I was in that dark place, I would feel a deep presence, a comfort and reassurance. Once I had cried and released the pain, I would be filled with peace.

You keep a cover over every single secret

So afraid if someone saw them they would leave

But somebody, somebody, somebody sees you

Somebody, somebody will never leave you

I just knew that God saw me, God cried with me and He knew exactly what I was feeling. I couldn’t hide from Him or pretend that everything was ok. And as I’ve experienced Him in such a tangible way, I have realised that I don’t want to hide from Him any more. I also felt His guidance more clearly than I have ever felt it before. I couldn’t explain my actions other than I had a deep sense of when the time came to make a decision. Over and over when I had people suggesting I do one thing or the other, I knew that I would know when the time was right.

I can typically be pretty hard on myself and judge my thoughts and actions very harshly. I’ve had a few people question my situation and ask me if I couldn’t have done more or tried harder to save the marriage. But because I have experienced God over and over, and because I know that He knows me, I have found myself more sure of what I’ve done. I’ve been gentle with myself and learned to trust my decisions. I have been reassured that there is nothing more that I could have done.

Oh for the lonely, for the ashamed

The misunderstood, and the ones to blame

What if we could start over

We could start over

‘Cause there’s a kind of love that God only knows

For people looking at your situation, it may seem like the decisions are easy and obvious. But for you, it is not so simple. Once again God is the only one who really sees where you are, what is in your heart. And I want to encourage you to lean into Him. God only knows what you’re going through, God only knows the real you. And He loves you. I have allowed people to love and support me, and I have gratefully leaned on my friends. But I also have to lean on God because ultimately it comes down to Him and me.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/god-only-knows/1398353335?i=1398353598

Watch the music video for God Only Knows by For King and Country

Sinking Deep

The phrase ‘sinking deep’ conjures up a few images. There’s the image of falling into soft, gentle comfort like a bed, a bean bag or a giant hug. That image elicits feelings of warmth and reassurance. There is also sinking deep into a swamp, where your feet get trapped and you slowly start sinking lower and lower. This image can inspire fear and anxiety. Today’s song is also called ‘Sinking Deep’, by Hillsong and I chose it because it was relevant to me on a number of levels.

Standing here in Your presence

In a grace so relentless

I am won

By perfect love

Wrapped within the arms of heaven

In a peace that lasts forever

Sinking deep

In mercy’s sea

One of the realisations that I’ve had on this journey that I’m on, is that grief and heartbreak happen on many levels. Like an onion, layers are peeled back one at a time. As time moves on, I can feel the hurt in new ways. I’m ‘sinking deep’ into my new reality. As I encounter new ‘firsts’, so I have reminders of the way things were and will never be again. Sometimes it feels like many small stabs to the heart. Each time I have to reassure and comfort the kids, each time I have to step up to the plate where before my husband would have done so, every environment I’m in where he would have been with me before, are all reminders that life has irrevocably changed.

I’m wide awake

Drawing close

Stirred by grace

And all my heart is Yours

All fear removed

I breathe You in

I lean into Your love

Oh, Your love

I’ve recently been on holiday with the kids and some friends. We went to the coast and had a wonderful time, lots of time spent on the beach and swimming in the sea, even though it’s winter here. I love the ocean, my soul finds peace just staring out at the waves. But even though it was a great holiday, it was hard and I came back feeing sad and heavy. Thinking over why I felt like this, I realised that I had been holding myself together to make sure that the kids had fun. I had to drive further than I’ve ever had to on my own, and assume responsibility for the family where before that responsibility was shared. I was really proud of myself for handling everything that came my way with ease. But underneath I was angry and hurt that I was having to do it on my own. It just doesn’t feel fair. This anger was starting to become all consuming until I got into bed one night and started journaling my feelings. I turned on my music and the song Sinking Deep came on. I had a strong realization that now I needed to sink deep into God. I needed to let out the anger and then let it go. I needed to sink into the comfort that God longs to give me.

When I’m lost You pursue me

Lift my head to see Your glory

Lord of all

So beautiful

Here in You I find shelter

Captivated by the splendor

Of Your face

My secret place

It was amazing how much peace I got when I let go and focused on God again. I was able to lean into His love. I played this song on repeat and just imagined myself wrapped in His arms, sheltered by His grace and peace. I was able to put down the heaviness I was hauling around. Once again I was reminded that when my eyes focus on my pain, the pain seems to increase and take over. When I focus on God, it doesn’t diminish the pain but I’m reminded that I can get through this, that this pain isn’t going to last forever.

Love so deep

Is washing over me

Your face is all I seek

You are my everything

Jesus Christ

You are my one desire

Lord hear my only cry

To know You all my life

I want to encourage you to let out and let go of what is worrying you, of the pain and anger and frustrations that you are carrying around. God completely understands them, and He longs to offer you His comfort and peace. When life is overwhelming and you are wondering how you will keep going, that is when we need to sink deep into God and allow his peace and grace to surround us, fill us, confort us and re-energize us.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/sinking-deep-live/692897617?i=692898251

Watch the lyric video for Sinking Deep by Hillsong Young and Free

I’m done chasing feelings

I’ve recently read a few articles on Facebook that really resonated with me. They were about adultery, a subject close to my heart at the moment. They were both really challenging, and for those who have been married for a while, well worth a read. It is so easy to let certain behaviors creep into our lives, and we find it so easy to justify what we are doing. Today’s song has challenged me for a while and I felt like it would fit well. It’s called ‘Spirit Lead Me’ by Influence Music with Michael Ketterer.

This is my worship

This is my offering

In every moment

I withhold nothing

I’m learning to trust You

Even when I can’t see it

And even in suffering

I have to believe it

We are all aware of the ‘big’ sins, and we are quick to judge those who cross the line. Murder, stealing, corruption, and yes, adultery. But what makes up the ‘big’ sin is often a series of very ‘small’ and seemingly ‘insignificant’ sins. Things that don’t make anyone sit up and notice, behaviors which seem perfectly natural and totally justifiable. We have all heard how taking home the office stapler is theft, even though no one will really notice that you’ve done it. But so is finding comfort in a person who is not your spouse. Comparing your spouse to the younger, more energetic people at work is adultery. It is seemingly insignificant in that no one would notice and no one seems to get hurt. But people do get hurt.

‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ as Theodore Roosevelt said. How true that is. In a marriage of many years, the honeymoon is over, work stress is taking its toll, the kids are draining and life isn’t the Hollywood picture that we once imagined. Our husband or wife may have gained some weight, maybe lost some hair and the mystery has been lost as we’ve lived with each other for years. We may even be grumpy with each other a lot of the time. And we feel like we have lost their respect and appreciation. It seems so easy to talk to a colleague and feel ‘seen’ and admired again. We tell ourselves that we are actually sparing our spouse by off loading our problems on someone at work. But the gap has been created, the marriage is at risk. And we feel like we haven’t crossed the line yet.

If You say “it’s wrong”, then I’ll say “no”

If You say “release”, I’m letting go

If You’re in it with me, I’ll begin

And when You say to jump, I’m diving in

If You say “be still”, then I will wait

If You say to trust, I will obey

I don’t wanna follow my own ways

I’m done chasing feelings

Spirit lead me

Our culture is all about doing what ‘feels’ right and what ‘feels’ good. But our emotions are fickle and a very poor judge of wisdom. Love is a decision, a choice and not a feeling. When we choose to love someone for the rest of our lives, it doesn’t come with the proviso: ‘as long as I’m feeling in love’. The decision should not be conditional on our spouse doing x, y or z. The choice to love and marry someone is a commitment we make, regardless of what the other person does or doesn’t do. Now, I will acknowledge that there are circumstances which may make a marriage untenable, and I have learned to not judge others decisions. But there are many marriages which have broken down because one partner didn’t live up to the commitment that they made.

It felt like a burden

But once I could grasp it

You took me further

Further than I was asking

And simply to see You

It’s worth it all

My life is an altar

Let Your fire fall

The choice to have an affair usually doesn’t happen overnight, and usually doesn’t start in the bedroom. The affair starts with small decisions which do not honor the decision we made to love our spouse. And we justify all these choices and behaviors, we deserve to feel good because my wife doesn’t respect me any more. We deserve to be noticed and flirted with because my husband doesn’t ‘see’ me any more. We deserve more and more and more. But have you asked yourself if you are doing all this for your spouse? Have your noticed your wife, have you loved your husband? Jesus’ teaching is not on the premise that our needs are met first, that only when I am loved and understood will I then love and understand others. In fact Jesus taught us to be the servant, and commanded us to love God and others, while we love ourselves.

When all hope is gone

And Your word is all I’ve got

I have to believe

You still bring water from the rock

To satisfy my thirst

To love me at my worst

And even when I don’t remember

You remind me of my word

Ann Stewart-Porter wrote the posts on Facebook that I was referring too. She talks about putting a hedge around your marriage, protecting the most important of relationships. I thought that our marriage was solid, that we had the hedge in place. We had been through ups and downs but ultimately we knew we were in this together. We were both God loving people, and raised our kids on the importance of family. But still my husband had an affair. What I’m trying to stress is that NO ONE is immune from trials and temptation. NO marriage is immune from affairs. But we each can chose every day to honour our love for our spouse and to honour our commitment to each other.

I don’t trust my ways

I’m trading in my faults

I lay down everything

‘Cause You’re all that I want

I’ve landed on my knees

This is the cup You have for me

And even when it don’t make sense

I’m gonna let Your Spirit lead

The devastation of an affair is wide reaching. It doesn’t only involve the couple, but the kids have their reality changed for the rest of their lives. They will be forever altered by the choices that their parents make. Extended families are shaken by an affair, close friends are rattled. Faith communities, workplaces, school and so on all feel the affect of an affair. So don’t kid yourself that it is just between the two of you.

My prayer for you is that each day you choose your spouse again, every day you renew your commitment to him or her. Never take them for granted. And let the Spirit lead us into deeper love and grace.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/spirit-lead-me-live/1438919395?i=1438919731

Watch the lyric video for ‘Spirit Lead Me’

Shine

I often go about my life, busy with daily routine and I wonder if anyone ever actually sees me. I’ve spent many years as a stay at home mom (now I do work part time as well), and it can be a lonely experience. So much of my day would be spent alone, doing important work, but there were no colleagues or bosses checking in on me. I could really be doing anything and no one would know. I think suffering is a bit like that too, it is a lonely journey, and there are times that we wonder if anyone really ‘sees’ us.

Send me a sign

A hint, a whisper

Throw me a line

‘Cause I am listening

Come break the quiet

Breathe your awakening

Bring me to life

‘Cause I am fading

Today’s song is SMS (Shine) by David Crowder. I just love this song as it speaks into the feeling of wanting to be seen, to be noticed.

Shine Your light so I can see You

Pull me up, I need to be near You

Hold me, I need to feel loved

Can You overcome this heart that’s overcome?

We can so easily feel overcome by the troubles in our lives. We are conditioned to succeed and thrive no matter our circumstances, we need to keep being productive and to cope no matter what. But inside, our hearts may be crying out for more, we are desperate for help, for someone to lift us up and fill us on the inside to help us keep going. The question of whether even God can overcome our hearts that are overcome by life, starts to echo in our souls.

You sent a sign

A hint, a whisper

Human, divine

Heaven is listening

Death laid love quiet

Yet in the night a stirring

All around the rush of angels

This song reminds me that God has sent a sign that He is listening to the cries of my heart. Heaven hears me, the angels surround me, love has conquered all.

Shine Your light so all can see it

Lifted up, ’cause the whole world needs it

Love has come, what joy to hear it

He has overcome, He has overcome

So in that quiet place where my hearts dares to ask if I’m seen, the answer is a resounding YES. The Lord of creation sees me, the God of comfort sees me. I am never alone. The cries of my heart are heard. God has overcome my heart.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/sms-shine-radio-version/1440953947?i=640848382

Watch the lyric video for SMS (Shine) by David Crowder