I remember

I’ve been reading through Job and, more recently, Exodus in the Bible. Both books look at suffering and God. Now we know that God is a God of love, we see it all through the Bible. Jesus said the the greatest commandments are this: firstly to love God with all your heart, soul and mind. Secondly to love your neighbour as yourself. It was also because of love that Jesus endured such torture and ultimately death. But when I read through Job and Exodus, I see a different side of God, one that leaves me with questions.

Job was an upstanding citizen who was extremely wealthy and successful in all he did. He also loved and served God faithfully. His suffering came about by a kind of ‘dare’ or bet from the devil. The devil claimed that Job only loved God because he was wealthy and successful. The devil thought that if Job lost everything and everyone dear to him, then he would turn away from God. God basically gave the devil permission to send Job into great suffering. He lost all his wealth, his family and possessions. He even lost his health. What kind of a ‘loving’ God would allow one of his children to experience a form of hell in order to prove a point to the devil?

In Exodus, the Israelites had become slaves to the Egyptians and their conditions were deteriorating. They longed to be free of their slavery and God appointed Moses to be the leader to take them out of Egypt. Pharoah didn’t want to lose the very cheap services of the Israelites so he really didn’t want to let them go. There is a whole process that Moses and Pharoah go through, with God instructing Moses what to do and Pharoah being stubbornly against the Israelites leaving. But it also says in the Bible that God ‘hardened Pharoah’s heart’ so he wouldn’t give in to Moses. What this meant was great suffering and plagues afflicting the Egyptians. Many lost their lives and their livelihoods so that God would be glorified. I know that I am over simplifying things but that message is repeated over and over in the early chapters of Exodus.

Why would God allow suffering unnecessarily? Why would He put people through so much hardship and even death, just so that He can be proved to be more powerful than any other God. Is God really that callous and ego-centric? Does He actually care about each of us, or are we just pawns in a much larger game?

Aren’t these the questions that so many people ask, and use to get in the way of believing in a loving God. And on the surface of things they seem like valid questions. But if we look at the outcome of both Job and the Israelites, God was doing far more than meets the eye.

Despite everything that Job went through, despite shocking advice from his friends, he refuses to give up his faith in God. He refuses to talk badly about God and turn away from him. Even though Job didn’t know why he was suffering, he never took his eyes off God. And in the end God gave him more that he had in the beginning. His wealth was greater, his family was restored and his standing in the community was redeemed. Job never became bitter and resentful, he simply kept his faith that God was God and worthy of his service and praise.

With the Israelites, they encountered God in a way that had never before been seen. They literally saw him part a way in the sea for them. Facing certain death, God performed a miracle unlike any other. The Israelites were also given the Passover celebration which continues to this day. The celebration reminds us of what God did for the Israelites thousands of years ago, and that He is still doing for us today. Would either of these stories be the same without the level of suffering that had to be endured? No, not at all. Would the Israelites have learned to depend completely on God without the miracles and deliverance that God provided them over and over? Probably not.

And if we look at ourselves, how do we learn to trust others or God? It is in a time of need when a friend comes through for you, or in our darkest times that God brings us comfort that we learn to trust. For me, I wouldn’t have the deep faith and trust in God’s faithfulness without having experienced it over and over in my life. I have seen God answer prayers and provide for me in ways that are nothing short of miraculous. I have known God’s comfort in such an intimate way, which wouldn’t have been possible had I not been in such a dark place. I can look back and see how things have worked out that I never would have expected or done on my own. And my life is much richer for it.

Would I willingly go through suffering again in order to experience more of God? Yes, I probably would. And I can only say that because God has walked with me through pain and heartache and grief. Yes, God is glorified, but not to meet an ego-centric need. He is glorified so that others will learn to trust Him, will come to know Him, will experience a much richer, more fulfilling life because of Him.

The song below is from Lauren Daigle, called Remember. It felt very pertinent for me.

In the darkest hour, when I cannot breathe

Fear is on my chest, the weight of the world on me

Everything is crashing down, everything I had known

When I wonder if I’m all alone

I remember, I remember

You have always been faithful to me

I remember, I remember

Even when my own eyes could not see

You were there, always there

I will lift my eyes even in the pain

Above all the lies, I know You can make a way

I have seen giants fall, I have seen mountains move

I have seen waters part because of You

https://music.apple.com/za/album/remember/1447184494?i=1447184851

Watch the lyric video for Remember by Lauren Daigle

It is well with me

So many songs have the refrain ‘It is well with my soul’ in them, taken from the famous hymn of the same name. I’ve often wondered what the phrase really means, so I looked it up. The story behind the original hymn is incredible. Today’s song is from Bethel Music and it is called ‘It Is Well’.

Grander earth has quaked before

Moved by the sound of His voice

Seas that are shaken and stirred

Can be calmed and broken for my regard

The original hymn was written by Horatio Spafford. He was a well-to-do attorney in Chicago in the mid 1800’s. He was married with 4 daughters and a son. His son fell ill with Scarlet Fever when he was only 4 years old, and he died. Shortly afterwards, there was the Great Chicago Fire which swept through the city. Horatio lost most of his fortune and possessions in the fire. He then put a lot of time and effort into rebuilding the city and helping the homeless. In 1873, the family felt they needed a holiday to get away from all the stress they had been under, and they decided to go to Europe. His wife and daughters went ahead on a luxury liner, while Spafford remained behind to complete some work. Just off the coast of Ireland, the ship collided with an iron sailing vessel and the ship sunk. All 4 of the Spafford daughters died, but his wife was found unconscious on a piece of wreckage. I can’t imagine the devastation that Spafford must have felt when he heard the news. He immediately got on a ship to go be with his wife. He asked his ship’s captain to let him know when they were at the place where the liner sunk. As they approached the site of the tragedy, Spafford looked out at the sea and started writing the hymn ‘It is Well with my Soul’. The first verse goes:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

How is it possible to lose all 5 of his children, and still manage to say ‘it is well with my soul’? And what did he mean with that phrase? From what I can see, the phrase is talking about a deep sense of peace and well being. The kind of peace that only God can bring. The kind of wholeness of spirit that we can only find in God.

And through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

And through it all, through it all

It is well

And through it all, through it all

My eyes are on You

And it is well with me

Today’s song indicates to me that the only way that we can even begin to find peace in the midst of tragedy and suffering is to keep our eyes on God. When we are drowning in sorrow, sadness and pain, the only way through is to take our eyes off ourselves and to look to God for help. When we are drowning in water, our instinct is to reach for something to hold onto, something to keep us afloat. And I believe it is the same when we are ’emotionally drowning’. We might grab onto something to numb the pain, but ultimately we will end up going under. There is no escaping the pain, the only way is to hold onto something steadfast, something that will guide us through the water and keep us afloat.

And far be it from me to not believe

Even when my eyes can’t see

And this mountain that’s in front of me

Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

For me, God has been the life support that I have needed when I’ve felt like I’m drowning. In the midst of the pain and hopelessness, I have literally called on God to help. I still feel the pain, but I am not overcome by it. I still wonder what the future holds, but I’m not filled with fear. I still have to work through and process my thoughts and feelings, but I know that while I’m doing that, I’ve been pulled ashore onto solid ground.

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

So let go my soul and trust in Him

The waves and wind still know His name

Spafford and his wife managed to pick themselves up, and decided to move to Jerusalem to work with widows and orphans. So many of us would have been overcome by the tragedy that they had gone through. But somehow, they were able to continue living. And in living, they served many who were in need. For me the challenge is to not let our circumstances define us, to not let the tragedies in our lives determine our future. But to rather allow God to help us to keep living and to keep serving. And through it all to say ‘it is well with my soul’.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/it-is-well-live/862593658?i=862593692

Watch the lyric video for ‘It Is Well’ by Bethel Music

Still I will Sing

Matt Redman comes up with some amazing songs and inspired lyrics. Today’s song isn’t necessarily my favourite, but the lyrics speak to my journey so profoundly.

I’ll sing out Your praise in the morning light

And I’ll call out Your name on the edge of night

Sometimes it’s a song of joy

Sometimes a sacrifice

Still I sing

I have come to realize that our path to emotional healing starts and continues with a choice. I believe that we need to choose to be healed. If we look at Jesus’ time on earth, He healed so many people. But all of them came to Him by choice. They had to want to be healed. It doesn’t need to be a profound moment, but I do believe that we need to seek out the path to healing. Do yourself a favor and read Edith Eger’s book called ‘The Choice’. It is an incredible story of her journey from the concentration camps and death to healing. So much of what she wrote in her book echoes with what I’ve learned on my journey through darkness.

Sing in the battle, sing in the blessing

Sing through the shadows, shout with the heavens

I won’t be silent, no, I won’t be silent

Still I sing, still I will sing

One of the choices that I have had to make has been to keep ‘singing’. I’ve had some recent set backs, more ‘layers’ being peeled off. I’ve known that this journey is a roller coaster, and while I enjoyed some reprieve, I knew that there would still be many challenges to face. Still when the time comes, it is hard and painful. I didn’t find the same comfort in listening to my ‘worship playlist’ that I’ve had before. Yet I knew that I needed to keep the music playing. I had to keep trusting that God was in control even when my prayers were not being answered. I needed to cry out to Him when I found myself back in the place of pain. As Matt Redman writes, sometimes our songs are a battle cry. I know that I am not alone even though I feel alone. I know that I am not fighting these battles single handedly, even when I can’t feel God around me.

Sing it like you mean it

Sing it and believe it

For the glory, the glory of God

Sing it with a passion

Sing it like it matters

For the glory, the glory of God

With the heavens above

I have had to remind myself of all the lessons that I have learned through my life. Lessons that I have shared in my blogs. I have had to continue to choose to trust that God is good, that He is ultimately in control and that He has a plan for me.

Sometimes it’s a song of joy

Sometimes a sacrifice

Sometimes it’s an easy choice

But sometimes a battle cry

What I have been encouraged by though, is that despite the set back I haven’t been taken all the way back to the beginning of the journey. I have gained resilience, I have learned trust. I can look back and see that I have made some progress towards healing. And I am so grateful for that. I am reminded that this setback isn’t permanent, it is temporary and I will move on from here. So I will choose to keep on singing.

Listen to ‘Still I Will Sing’

Watch the lyric video for Still I Will Sing

Good Father (or is He?)

I’ve been pondering the thoughts of today’s blog for a long while, but have just not been sure how to write them. I think I’ve finally found the right song. We recently sang ‘Good Good Father’ at church (sung by Chris Tomlin but written by Pat Barrett), in fact we’ve sung it a lot recently and every time we’ve sung it I am challenged. To be honest I haven’t enjoyed this song because of how I’ve been challenged in my own faith and journey.

I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think you’re like

But I’ve heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night

And you tell me that you’re pleased

And that I’m never alone

I have had struggles with my own father, and have had to learn to forgive him. It’s taken many years to try move on and to let go of the disappointments of my childhood (it’s still very much a work in progress!). My recent journey of betrayal has led me once again to struggling with the role of the father, this time on my kids’ behalf. How can a father not place his kids’ wellbeing above everything else? And again I’m being challenged here to forgive, to let go of disappointments. With this background, viewing God as my father has not been an easy space. I love the image of being able to call him ‘Abba’ or ‘Daddy’, of being able to just sit on His lap and be held. But when I need to sing of Him as the ‘Good father’, everything within me recoils.

You’re a good good father

It’s who you are, it’s who you are, it’s who you are

And I’m loved by you

It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am

Why do it find it so hard? I read the words of the song and agree with them completely. Looking back over my blogs shows that I see God as a true, loving father. But come Father’s Day, or singing this song and my internal reaction begs to differ. So I’ve been challenging myself to sing this song and accept that despite my earthly disappointments, my Heavenly Father is indeed good. He does have my best interests at heart. He does love me unconditionally. I am His ‘princess’, His beloved daughter who provides Him endless joy and delight. And as I sing and try to let God love me like this, I have to let go of my childhood disappointments. I have to let go of the longings of the little girl inside me, and allow God to heal those hurts. I have to allow God to be all the things that I wished my earthly father was and couldn’t be. But even more, God is a perfect father. One which no earthly father can ever be.

I’ve seen many searching for answers far and wide

But I know we’re all searching

For answers only you provide

‘Cause you know just what we need

Before we say a word

During my recent journey through the darkness, I read somewhere that we need to forgive God when we find ourselves in suffering. Hold on, isn’t that heretical?? God is perfect, He has never done anything wrong, but we have. We are the ones needing forgiveness not the other way around! But when we find ourselves in that dark, hard, lonely place we do wonder why we are there. How can a good God allow this to happen! Why allow death of a person who radiates God’s love more than any other? Why allow the demise of a marriage which has been built on loving and serving God? Why allow the innocent child to suffer sickness and endure endless treatments?

Because you are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways to us

God is perfect but that doesn’t mean our lives are going to be. God will use our suffering and struggles but that doesn’t mean we will understand why they happened in the first place. Even when we believe we have been obedient to God, things don’t necessarily turn out the way we had hoped or planned. So does that mean that God has let us down? Has He reneged on His promises? The head answer is no, He never goes back on His word. Our heart’s answer is different. And this is where we need to allow God to be God. He does know more than we can ever know. He has a perspective that we will never have. And ultimately He will use everything for good. But in the mean time perhaps we need to ‘forgive’ God for the place that we find ourselves in. Not because God has done anything wrong, but because we aren’t happy with the turn that life has taken. We need to place our trust in Him, trust that in the end we will be ok. Trust that our present circumstances will pass, our pain, tears and heartache will pass. One day we will understand, but for now the challenge is to find peace.

Oh, it’s love so undeniable

I can hardly speak

Peace so unexplainable

I can hardly think

As you call me deeper still

Into love, love, love

Peace isn’t easy to find. And I don’t believe it just happens. We need to look for it, we need to ask for it. We need to be open to God healing us and drawing us deeper into Him. As we draw deeper into His love, we will find His peace. Peace doesn’t take away the struggles and the heartache. It is a place where our souls find rest, where we learn to trust God completely. It’s a place where we realize that we don’t need to know the outcome in order to trust that God is in control. It is a place where we can bring our sorrow and tears and weep with God. And when we cry our souls are restored and made lighter. We are re-energized for the fight ahead. Peace is a respite from the storm around us, it recharges us and reminds us that we are never alone.

So yes, God is a Good father and I am loved by Him. I guess now I can sing this song in peace.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/good-good-father/1440869998?i=1440870354

Watch the lyric video for ‘Good, good Father’ by Chris Tomlin

Boldly I approach

I haven’t written for a while for various reasons. One being that I had found myself deep in a place of anger and bitterness. I wondered how I would ever be able to climb out of the pit that I had found myself in. While feeling like my anger was justified, I really struggled with how I was going to overcome the place that I was starting to feel stuck in. Today’s song is one of the most powerful songs that I have recently discovered. It’s called ‘Boldly I Approach’ and it’s by Rend Collective. Do yourself a favor and listen to the song, immersing yourself in the lyrics.

By grace alone somehow I stand

Where even angels fear to tread

Invited by redeeming love

Before the throne of God above

He pulls me close with nail-scarred hands

Into His everlasting arms

Last weekend I went on the After the Affair retreat that I mentioned a while back. While I was hoping for some encounter with God, and to experience some healing, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I had to share my story, which I was happy to do. I also wasn’t sure what to expect of the others who would be there. But my expectations were blown out of the water. It felt like God had handpicked the group of people who came. Each person had so much to offer both in sharing our journeys and challenging our perspectives. And God worked in His mysterious ways. Through the talks that were given, times of worship, meal times and times of rest, I know that I came away changed and several steps further on my journey to healing.

When condemnation grips my heart

And Satan tempts me to despair

I hear the voice that scatters fear

The Great I Am the Lord is here

Oh praise the One who fights for me

And shields my soul eternally

Forgiveness has been a subject that I know I have needed to address, but just wasn’t sure how I was going to manage it. The anger and bitterness in my heart kept persuading me that I didn’t need to forgive now, it would happen later in my journey. So much of the journey of betrayal focuses on the wrong that has been done to you. And there is no denying that cheating on your partner should never happen. But on this weekend, I had to come face to face with the fact that I too am a sinner. Sure I didn’t cheat, I tried to fight for my marriage and my family, but at the end of the day none of us are perfect. All of us have failings and make mistakes. All of us need to be forgiven for something. Today’s song is an amazing reminder that we are forgiven, and we are able to stand blameless. But if we are forgiven, then we too need to forgive.

This is the really hard part, and one that is unfortunately unavoidable. It felt like I was hit over the head on the weekend during a talk on forgiveness. Every single person is worthy of God and worthy of forgiveness, regardless of what they have done. I don’t write this easily. I have been unable to talk about the 3rd person in our marriage and I have not been able to see her as a person who is deserving of love. But I was faced on the weekend by someone who had been the 3rd party. She was loveable and likable. Yes, she had shown remorse and carries around the regrets of her actions. And so is the 3rd party in my situation worthy of love and forgiveness. It was so clear that God was telling me to forgive both my husband and the other woman. It was also clear that forgiveness is not an emotional decision but one of the will. The last thing that I wanted to do was to forgive both of them, but I knew absolutely that I had to.

Boldly I approach Your throne

Blameless now I’m running home

By Your blood I come

Welcomed as Your own

Into the arms of majesty

Just by forgiving them does not mean that everything is forgotten and life returns to normal. There are consequences to everything we do, and these remain. But for me forgiveness releases me from bitterness and resentment. I know that I will need to forgive them over and over again. But I walked away from the weekend having offloaded the baggage that I had been dragging around. My soul felt lighter, relieved of the burden of anger and despair. I wondered how I would feel when I went about every day life, would this feeling of ‘lightness’ last? Well, I’m a week down the line and I can say that I haven’t picked up the bitterness again. The details of my life haven’t changed, and life is still hard and not what I would have chosen, but I’m no longer drowning in the unfairness of it all. I feel more acceptance and peace about where I am.

Behold the bright and risen Son

More beauty than this world has known

I’m face to face with Love Himself

His perfect spotless righteousness

A thousand years, a thousand tongues

Are not enough to sing His praise

I feel like I have turned a corner. I know that there are still many ups and downs to encounter. I know that I will still be faced with anger and resentment, but I know that now I have a choice in how I deal with it. Saying all this, I need to say that it has been essential that I have faced the pain of the betrayal. If I hadn’t mourned what I had lost and acknowledged all that had happened, I don’t believe that I would be able to heal properly. I am also convinced that God’s grace has been essential in healing. Jesus showed us how to forgive ourselves and others. He showed us how to rely on God, to depend on Him through the darkest times. He also showed us that death is not the end and that darkness will not triumph.

This is the art of celebration

Knowing we’re free from condemnation

Oh praise the One, praise the One

Who made an end to all my sin

I’m writing all this against a backdrop of unease within my country. We have had violent protests stemming from continued unemployment and poverty. Violence against women and children has been relentless and people are starting to stand up against it. So much of the situation in our land feels helpless and unsustainable, and lack of leadership is leading to intense frustration. Yet having seen how God has worked in my life, how He has been real and present to me, how He has guided my on a journey of healing and forgiveness, I am convinced that He can and will heal our land. As He did with Jericho, with the Israelites crossing the Dead Sea and again crossing the Jordan river, as He did with Daniel in the Lions den, with David and Goliath, as Jesus did with raising the dead and healing the sick, so too He can for us.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/boldly-i-approach-the-art-of-celebration/820869995?i=820870021

Watch the lyric video for Boldly I Approach by Rend Collective

Sometimes

I think that the journey of pain is a real roller coaster. There are good days then bad days. Sometimes a few good days string together and you feel like perhaps you are seeing the light. Maybe, just maybe the worst is over. Then something happens, it might be something really small that acts like a trigger, sending you right back into the emotions you have fought so hard to get through. The anger and pain and grief suddenly seem to be all that surrounds you. The memory of the good days starts to dim and you feel like you are right back where you started. When is life going to get easier? When will the pain ease? A friend described this journey like a bungee chord, and at times that is what it feels like. Today’s song is called ‘Sometimes’ by the David Crowder band.

Sometimes every one of us feels

Like we’ll never be healed

Sometimes every one of us aches

Like we’ll never be saved

When you’ve given up

Let your healing come

Till you’re rising up

Let your healing come

I think we all know the feeling of wondering when an unfavorable situation will turn around, whether it’s at work or at home or in our emotional lives. And the longer that things go on seemingly without resolution, the harder we try to force change and cling on to anything that seems like it might help. Yet the harder we try, nothing changes. I’ve been struck this week by how many songs are about letting go, giving up, surrendering to God. I know I’ve written about it before, but I think I needed to hear the lesson again. Often we turn to God as a last resort, when nothing else works then we’ll try prayer. But it is only when we have completely given up, that God will work. How can it be otherwise! We would be too quick to take credit for change, when it was actually God who orchestrated the healing. We would also not learn to depend on God with our life. He would always be the ‘backstop’.

Sometimes, It’s like we’ll never atone

For all the love we’ve known

Sometimes, like in a smile or a song

When you feel love come

And that feeling’s gone

It flies

God doesn’t want to be our last resort, He wants to be the first place that we turn to for help. I have been finding myself in a difficult place again for the last couple of weeks. I knew that I needed to turn my eyes back to God, and I tried. But I was also busy being frustrated that I was back in the darkness. I tried reasoning things out in my head, and I was so angry. I felt a rage inside me and I wasn’t able to shake it. Eventually I needed to acknowledge that once again only God was able to calm the storm inside. In my desperation and distress I needed to find His peace and love again.

It’s your love that we adore

It’s like a sea without a shore

We’re lost in you, we’re lost in you

It’s your love that we adore

It’s like a sea without a shore

We’re lost in you, we’re lost in you

In today’s song, the image of the ocean is used again, but this time it’s in a very different way. God’s love is like the ocean, endless, the shore is not in sight. Everywhere we look is water, and that water is God’s love. In the middle of this ocean is where we find peace, love, hope. And we find ourselves having to make a choice. Do we just stand on the shore longing for the love that is in front of us, or do we dive in. Do we let fear hold us back from wading into the ocean, or do we move forward despite the fear.

Don’t be afraid

Just set your sail

And risk the ocean, there’s only grace

Let’s risk the ocean, there’s only grace

So often we let fear dictate our decisions, we let fear of the unknown hold us back from experiencing life as it could be, in all its beautiful messy real-ness. We let fear hold us back from diving into God, and experience the true peace, love and grace that He is desperate to share with us. And as I once again discovered, when we truly let go of all the pain, darkness, anger and fear, we find peace, we find freedom, we find comfort. Perhaps our questions of ‘how long’ and ‘why’ are not answered, but our focus changes. We are reminded again that we are not on this journey alone. We have not been abandoned, our prayers have been heard. And maybe we can’t see what is happening behind the scenes to make life right again, but we are reminded again to trust that God sees the bigger picture. He knows us intimately, He knows what we need and is providing for us.

Where you go we will follow

I’m on my knees

Where you go we will follow

Oh, God send me

And finally we are able to surrender to God, and follow where He leads us. We realise that perhaps He does know best. If we are feeling bold we say ‘God send me’, now knowing what the journey ahead holds. But we know the ocean of His love and grace, so we know that He wants only good for us.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/sometimes-live/721256750?i=721257117

Watch the lyric video for Sometimes by David Crowder

The Highlands

I’ve spent quite a bit of time in the Scottish Highlands. My in-laws are Scottish and we’ve had quite a few holidays visiting them. I love Scotland, and I especially love the Highlands. They are rugged, barren and beautiful. It is so easy to imagine the old clans in their tartans making a life for themselves out there. It must have been a hard life because the Highlands are not a forgiving place. The weather can change in an instant, and snow and rain can make it almost inhospitable. And yet their ruggedness is what adds to their beauty. The purple heather in the autumn while beautiful, is not soft and fluffy. There is nothing gentle about the Highlands. Today’s song is called ‘Highlands’ by Hillsong United.

O how high would I climb mountains

If the mountains were where You hide

O how far I’d scale the valleys

If You graced the other side

O how long have I chased rivers

From lowly seas to where they rise

Against the rush of grace descending

From the source of its supply

I took my kids to watch new The Lion King movie, and was once again struck by how incredible nature is. The movie did a great job showing the African landscape, the majestic animals, the hugely varied vegetation and terrain. The thing about nature is that it is a reminder of the Creator. And the God who created the world is reflected in what He made. Like the Highlands, He is majestic and has a rugged beauty. Like the ocean, He is endless and vast. The unbelievable variety and beauty of the animals is a mirror of His creativity and imagination. And while nature reflects His beauty, He is not soft and fluffy.

In the highlands and the heartache

You’re neither more or less inclined

I would search and stop at nothing

You’re just not that hard to find

It is also in nature that it is easy to find God. The busyness of city life, the relentless pace, the endless distractions and stress make God much harder to see. We can often go through days and weeks without giving ourselves time and space to just be, to get in touch with ourselves. But as today’s song says, God is not that hard to find.

So I will praise You on the mountain

And I will praise You when the mountain’s in my way

You’re the summit where my feet are

So I will praise You in the valleys all the same

No less God within the shadows

No less faithful when the night leads me astray

You’re the heaven where my heart is

In the highlands and the heartache all the same

I think it is when we encounter hardship that we start to question things. We question our purpose, our priorities, the meaning of life as a whole. Why are we here on earth if only to suffer and struggle? Why is life so hard? Where is God and why isn’t He making life easier? But when we take a step back, step outside of our lives for a bit we find that those questions change.

I love taking my dogs walking in a nearby green space. Even though this area is surrounded by houses and busy roads, when you are in it you feel like you could be far outside the city. Watching the dogs play in the mud and swim in the dams, walking through trees and fields, remind me of who God is and where He is. By giving myself this space in my daily life I would be reminded again of God as my creator, and also God as my comforter. Stepping away from the distractions, I would find God again and I would feel His peace and love.

O how far beneath Your glory

Does Your kindness extend the path

From where Your feet rest on the sunrise

To where You sweep the sinner’s past

O how fast would You come running

If just to shadow me through the night

Trace my steps through all my failure

And walk me out the other side

The God who created all things, is bigger than all He created. When we are struggling in life it is easy to question if He really is as powerful as He says He is. When the mountains get in our way it is easy to focus on the obstacles and question God’s very existence. But when we take a step back and look around, we once again see Him for who He is. Knowing God is there doesn’t make our suffering hurt less, but it does give us perspective. Just like being hugged can make us feel like our burdens are shared, so acknowledging God for who He is can reassure us that our struggles are not too big to bear. God is still bigger than our problems, than our heartache. And even when it hurts, we can hold on to the promise He gives us that this too shall pass.

Whatever I walk through

Wherever I am

Your Name can move mountains

Wherever I stand

And if ever I walk through

The valley of death

I’ll sing through the shadows

My song of ascent

From the gravest of all valleys

Come the pastures we call grace

A mighty river flowing upwards

From a deep but empty grave

https://music.apple.com/za/album/highlands-song-of-ascent-live/1453339561?i=1453339571

Watch the video for ‘The Highlands’ by Hillsong

Here’s a link to My Song in the Night’s playlist, featuring the songs from the blog posts:

https://music.apple.com/za/playlist/my-song-in-the-night/pl.u-gxblMR7txxMyzv

Oceans

I am a beach person. My soul is revived by just looking out over the sea. The noise of the waves, the smell of the salt water, the feel of the sand, it all grounds me and gives me a sense of peace and rest. Living inland I make sure that we have a beach holiday every year, and I’m not sure who benefits more, me or the kids who just play for hours. Looking at the sea also reminds me of who I am in the greater scheme of things. No matter what I do or what I am going through, the waves still crash onto the shore, the tides move the waters around, the sea gulls hunt for fish and ocean life continues in its universal cycles. No matter how overwhelmed I’m feeling, I am reminded of just how small I am and how big God is.

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

‘Oceans’ by Hillsong is a really well know worship song, we sang it in church just last week. As I was singing it I became aware of a few truths that have been echoed in my recent journey. God is a God of mystery. There is no way that we can know everything about Him and how He works. Often we can’t make sense of what is happening in our lives, but we feel like in some way there is more going on than what appears on the surface. Just like the sea, we can’t see the tides but the effects that they have are momentous. In order to truly experience God, however, we need to get out onto the water and see where the tides take us. We can’t experience the adventure from the shore.

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Sometimes we are thrown into the deep, much like I was. I didn’t necessarily ask for the adventure, and I sure didn’t enjoy the storms, they were terrifying. Sometimes I barely got to take a breath before being thrown back into the tempest. Other times I was able to recover before the next squall hit. But no matter how high the waves and how strong the winds, my head kept above the waters (even if sometimes I was choking on the water). It was in those moments of deepest desperation that I called on God and without fail He heard my cries. I knew that He was there, and that I wouldn’t go under.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

What is amazing though, is that the more we need Him and the greater our reliance on Him, the more we appreciate His presence. The deeper the waters and the higher the waves, the more we need His grace, and the greater our experience of that grace is. Our faith is built when we realize that He will never fail us, He will never leave us to drown. What He does ask of us though is that we keep our eyes on Him. There is a story of Peter, one of the disciples. They are out on the sea in the middle of a huge storm, and they are all terrified. Next thing, they see Jesus walking on the water towards them. Peter, in his exuberance, wants to walk on the water too. So he does, and he is amazed that he is keeping above the waves. But as soon as He takes his eyes off of Jesus, he starts sinking. My experience of being thrown overboard in the storm is that when I focus too much on where I am, when all I see are the waves, that is when I start feel like I’m going under. As soon as I remember that I am not alone, that God is the one who will keep me afloat, my head pops back above the waves.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

The adventure may be a response to God calling you, or you may have been thrown overboard without a choice, either way it will be an adventure. And the deeper the waters that you venture into, the greater will be the story that you have to tell. It will be much scarier, terrifying at times and there will be times when you’re not sure if you will make it through. But when you do, you will have an unshakeable realization that God is who He says He is. He is faithful, He is with us and He will never desert us.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/oceans-where-feet-may-fail/591075444?i=591075501

Watch the music video of ‘Oceans’ by Hillsong United

https://music.apple.com/za/playlist/my-song-in-the-night/pl.u-gxblMR7txxMyzv

No Impossible

In 2003 I went to a conference called SACLA, the South African Christian Leaders Assembly. It was a momentous occasion, the previous SACLA meeting had been instrumental in the dismantling of apartheid. The 2003 assembly focused on what they termed the ‘7 Giants’ facing the country at the time. These ‘giants’ were so called because they were seemingly insurmountable problems that were facing the country. The ‘giants’ included HIV/AIDS, sexism, racism and poverty to name a few. Since then I have often thought back to the concept of a ‘giant’. Today’s song brought this concept back to me. It’s called ‘No Impossible’ by I Am They. Rend Collective also have a song which is along very similar lines called ‘Every Giant will Fall’.

Right now I’m staring down a giant

Right now I can’t see past my pain

And right now my songs have turned to silence

And You’ve never seemed so far away

But I still believe

I still believe

When I started this journey through the darkness, I thought I knew what my ‘giant’ was. I thought I knew what needed to be overcome, and I was convinced that God could and would win, in the way that I envisaged. But along the journey, the ‘giant’ changed. What initially seemed to clear and obvious, began to take on shades of grey. As prayers weren’t answered in the way that I expected, I found myself sinking lower. If I knew at the start all that I would go through I would have been thrown into despair. I’m very grateful that the depth of the issues facing me only became apparent in stages.

There’s no heart You can’t rescue

No war You can’t win

No story so over, it can’t start again

No pain You won’t use

No wall You won’t break through

It might be too much for me

But there is no impossible with You

With each step I took I gained new perspective. I saw new challenges and nuances that I hadn’t seen before. And yet it felt like I was on an impossible path. No matter what I tried, what I prayed and did, I kept coming up against a wall. There never seemed to be a way through. The Bible verse saying ‘with God all things are possible’ felt like a taunt at times. If that was really true then surely God would hear my prayers and do something!! It is only now that I can see that He was ‘doing something’ all the time. He wasn’t giving me the answers that I was expecting, but He was definitely working.

Right now You’re fighting all my battles

Right now You’re breathing life again

And I know You’re mighty in my weakness

So right now my soul will say amen!

My first prize was definitely that our marriage would be restored, and reignited. But that doesn’t seem to be His plan. What I can say is that without doubt I have seen God work in mysterious ways. I have seen things happen in my kids’ lives that are incredible. I have experienced God like never before. I have come to know myself so much better and love who I am. I have experienced love and grace in a way that is so real, almost tangible. I have seen prayers being answered, and answers to prayers that I didn’t even know I needed to pray.

Your name is greater

Your love is stronger

Your ways are higher

There’s nothing that You can’t do

‘Cause there’s no impossible with You

I am still holding onto the hope that God has a bright future for us. And I still don’t know what it will look like. I do know that God is still working in me and in the situation that I’m in. I don’t know all that He is doing, and I’m guessing that in 5 or 10 years time I will be able to look back and see just how He turned a nightmare into a thing of beauty. I am choosing to believe that He will use all our suffering and pain and sorrow. Perhaps He is creating a masterpiece, or it might just be a drawing to put on the fridge. But I am holding on to the knowledge that He will use this time of trial for a greater good. No matter the outcome, I have learned and seen amazing things. My life going forward can only be richer from this experience.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/no-impossible-with-you/1341233127?i=1341233138

Watch the lyric video for ‘No Impossible’ by I Am They

https://music.apple.com/za/album/every-giant-will-fall/1440850758?i=1012755923

Blessings

I sometimes wonder if the way we see the world is upside down. As I’ve said before, I believe that our western culture is overly focused on the value of the individual. We prioritize self above all others, and we can see where this has led us. The environmental crisis facing us didn’t happen by chance. It evolved through man’s selfishness and determination to put the needs of ‘self’ above the needs of others. It is easy to demonize big corporates and governments, pointing fingers at them as both the creators of the crisis, and the parties who could make the most impact on resolving global warming. Don’t get me wrong, I agree that corporates and governments have a huge responsibility to correct the damage of the past. But let’s look at ourselves too. In our own communities, how much do we prioritize our own needs above the needs of our schools, workplaces, churches, friendship groups, families, spouses etc. And when we are so focused on ourselves, when we do encounter suffering it often feels like a personal affront. Today’s song is a challenging one by Laura Story, called Blessings.

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

I am speaking for myself here when I say that most of my prayers are for and about myself. I am looking for ways to make my life more comfortable and stable. I’m so often asking for my discomfort to be eased, for challenging times to pass quickly. Suffering is uncomfortable, painful and disconcerting. Pain is something that we avoid at all costs. But metal can only be freed of impurities in a furnace, clay can only be baked in an oven. After a veld fire, the new growth is so much greener and sweeter than the grass that was there before.

What if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

One thing that I know to be true, is that I am so much closer to God now than I have ever been before. And it is because of my suffering. In the good times we don’t need God so much. We sometimes remember to be grateful for our blessings, but our prayers aren’t born out of sheer desperation. It is in the darkest night that feels endless, that we realize that we cannot make it on our own. We are faced with our own failures, weaknesses and mortality. We question our existence and purpose. All our bravado and ego gets stripped away and we come face to face with our true selves and our Maker. And when we see Him crying with us, holding us and loving us because of our faults, we can start to fathom how deep that love is.

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we’d have faith to believe

The ‘why me’ question is often the first on our lips when something bad happens in our lives. ‘How can a good God allow such bad things to happen?’ we cry. I’m not going to even attempt to enter that debate. Instead I’d like to offer an alternative view. Edith Eger in her book ‘The Choice’, says that instead of asking ‘why me’, the question should be ‘why not me’. Why does someone else deserve suffering but I don’t? Why do I deserve a pain free life? The answer is that I don’t. Jesus never promised us a life without suffering, in fact he says ‘when you encounter suffering…’. It will happen to all of us, in different ways and at different times. But it will happen. And I’d like to suggest that we reframe our questions. Instead of being horrified that it happened to me, perhaps we could be asking what we can learn from the suffering, how will we grow, what is God going to reveal to me during this dark time.

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not our home

I certainly am not suggesting that we won’t feel pain and desperation, because we will. But that is the way in which we will grow, in which God will break into our lives which are so filled with busyness. In my times of deepest distress, I have heard God’s gentle whisper. In those times when I’m just not sure how to carry on, I have felt an overwhelming peace and comfort. I have seen God answer prayers over and over and over again. The more that I have relied on Him, the more He comes though for me time and again.

I was just reflecting on one of the decisions that I had to make during the period of time after finding out about my husband’s affair and before we separated. Even now I can look back and recognize that that particular decision was right. If I had gone with the advice of others, I don’t believe that I would have the peace that I have now, that I did everything that I could to try fight for our marriage. Which means I don’t have regrets about that period of time.

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

I will never wish for suffering, or voluntarily chose pain. And I don’t wish for suffering for others. But during the past two years I have been so aware that God has a purpose in my suffering. I’m not sure what that purpose it, but it is a comfort because I’m not walking through this alone. And I’m not going through this pain for no reason. I don’t believe that God inflicts suffering on us, but I do believe that He will use each and every tear if we let Him. If we turn ourselves towards Him, we will see His mercies in new ways. We will see just how much love He has for us in the grace that He shows us every day.

I don’t wish for suffering, but I am grateful for what it has brought into my life and how I have been changed, hopefully for the better.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/blessings/880693002?i=880693008

Watch the lyric video for Blessings by Laura Story

Listen to the My Song in the Night playlist, featuring songs from the blog

https://music.apple.com/za/playlist/my-song-in-the-night/pl.u-gxblMR7txxMyzv