Take Heart

Woke up this morning
And life as you know it
Looks nothing like the kind of life you knew before
All of a sudden
Fear stole the headlines
And it don’t feel safe to even step outside your door

In this world you will have trouble
But I have overcome the world

As we were approaching 2020, my son pulled up a meme that basically said for the last few centuries there had been plagues in the 20th year, 1720, 1820 and 1920 (I think the dates of the meme were neatly adjusted), and so what ‘plague’ would 2020 bring. I remember thinking that that wouldn’t happen. In our ‘sophisticated’ times with all the technology and medicine that we have at hand, how could a ‘plague’ bring the world to its knees. And now it’s May 2020 and well, I guess I have my answer.

We are in times that are historical, times that we will look back on, times that our children will tell their children about. Times that are scary, unknown and anxiety provoking. I think it’s the uncertainty that is getting to a lot of people. In South Africa when our lockdown started, we were told it would be for 21 days. We have now passed day 50 and we don’t know when it will end.

So take heart
Take a breath
Let Me lift that heavy weight up off your chest
Take My hand
I know it’s looking dark
When the world falls all around you
I won’t let you fall apart
Take heart
Take heart

We also don’t know what our new normal will look like when we are finally allowed back ‘outside’. There are so many fears we all have. Fears for our loved ones, fears for our health, for our economic future. We fear the opening up of society and we also fear a prolonged lockdown. But fear causes us anxiety, so it is easier to turn fear into anger. We are lashing out at others who don’t share our views. We are fiercely debating topics that we don’t actually know much about. We are angry with our leaders for both their action and their inaction.

Do you remember singing
Back when you were younger
He’s got the whole world in His hands
Well, that’s still true

I hold your family, all your friends, and all your loved ones
And even when you’re barely holding on
I’m holding you

No one has the answers, and I don’t think there are any perfect solutions to the ‘Corona‘ crisis.And that doesn’t help our anxiety. When I heard this song by Matthew West, I felt a sense of peace and calm. I realized that I didn’t need to have the answers. I don’t need to know what’s right, what’s best.

When we lose our sense of control over our lives, when the rug is pulled out from underneath us, what do we do? Where do we turn for help? For me, I know that what I’m seeing is only a small part of the picture. I can’t see the whole story. I’m also finding freedom in giving up control. When I live from day to day and only worry about what today brings, the heavy anxiety of the future is lifted. Maybe I’m naive, but I know that in that past I have never been left to cope on my own. I’ve never been abandoned. And I won’t be abandoned now. Jesus told us that we would have trouble, He never pretended that life would be easy. But He said that He has overcome the world, so ‘Take Heart’. Take heart, be courageous, be reassured, help will arrive.

Oh, in this world you will have trouble
But I have overcome the world

So take heart
Take a breath
Let Me lift that heavy weight up off your chest
Take My hand
I know it’s looking dark
When the world falls all around you
I won’t let you fall apart
So take heart
Child, take heart

So today I can’t offer your answers, but I can remind you to ‘take heart’. You are not alone.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/take-heart/1506618608?i=1506618609

Watch the video for Take Heart by Matthew West

Good Father (or is He?)

I’ve been pondering the thoughts of today’s blog for a long while, but have just not been sure how to write them. I think I’ve finally found the right song. We recently sang ‘Good Good Father’ at church (sung by Chris Tomlin but written by Pat Barrett), in fact we’ve sung it a lot recently and every time we’ve sung it I am challenged. To be honest I haven’t enjoyed this song because of how I’ve been challenged in my own faith and journey.

I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think you’re like

But I’ve heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night

And you tell me that you’re pleased

And that I’m never alone

I have had struggles with my own father, and have had to learn to forgive him. It’s taken many years to try move on and to let go of the disappointments of my childhood (it’s still very much a work in progress!). My recent journey of betrayal has led me once again to struggling with the role of the father, this time on my kids’ behalf. How can a father not place his kids’ wellbeing above everything else? And again I’m being challenged here to forgive, to let go of disappointments. With this background, viewing God as my father has not been an easy space. I love the image of being able to call him ‘Abba’ or ‘Daddy’, of being able to just sit on His lap and be held. But when I need to sing of Him as the ‘Good father’, everything within me recoils.

You’re a good good father

It’s who you are, it’s who you are, it’s who you are

And I’m loved by you

It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am

Why do it find it so hard? I read the words of the song and agree with them completely. Looking back over my blogs shows that I see God as a true, loving father. But come Father’s Day, or singing this song and my internal reaction begs to differ. So I’ve been challenging myself to sing this song and accept that despite my earthly disappointments, my Heavenly Father is indeed good. He does have my best interests at heart. He does love me unconditionally. I am His ‘princess’, His beloved daughter who provides Him endless joy and delight. And as I sing and try to let God love me like this, I have to let go of my childhood disappointments. I have to let go of the longings of the little girl inside me, and allow God to heal those hurts. I have to allow God to be all the things that I wished my earthly father was and couldn’t be. But even more, God is a perfect father. One which no earthly father can ever be.

I’ve seen many searching for answers far and wide

But I know we’re all searching

For answers only you provide

‘Cause you know just what we need

Before we say a word

During my recent journey through the darkness, I read somewhere that we need to forgive God when we find ourselves in suffering. Hold on, isn’t that heretical?? God is perfect, He has never done anything wrong, but we have. We are the ones needing forgiveness not the other way around! But when we find ourselves in that dark, hard, lonely place we do wonder why we are there. How can a good God allow this to happen! Why allow death of a person who radiates God’s love more than any other? Why allow the demise of a marriage which has been built on loving and serving God? Why allow the innocent child to suffer sickness and endure endless treatments?

Because you are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways to us

God is perfect but that doesn’t mean our lives are going to be. God will use our suffering and struggles but that doesn’t mean we will understand why they happened in the first place. Even when we believe we have been obedient to God, things don’t necessarily turn out the way we had hoped or planned. So does that mean that God has let us down? Has He reneged on His promises? The head answer is no, He never goes back on His word. Our heart’s answer is different. And this is where we need to allow God to be God. He does know more than we can ever know. He has a perspective that we will never have. And ultimately He will use everything for good. But in the mean time perhaps we need to ‘forgive’ God for the place that we find ourselves in. Not because God has done anything wrong, but because we aren’t happy with the turn that life has taken. We need to place our trust in Him, trust that in the end we will be ok. Trust that our present circumstances will pass, our pain, tears and heartache will pass. One day we will understand, but for now the challenge is to find peace.

Oh, it’s love so undeniable

I can hardly speak

Peace so unexplainable

I can hardly think

As you call me deeper still

Into love, love, love

Peace isn’t easy to find. And I don’t believe it just happens. We need to look for it, we need to ask for it. We need to be open to God healing us and drawing us deeper into Him. As we draw deeper into His love, we will find His peace. Peace doesn’t take away the struggles and the heartache. It is a place where our souls find rest, where we learn to trust God completely. It’s a place where we realize that we don’t need to know the outcome in order to trust that God is in control. It is a place where we can bring our sorrow and tears and weep with God. And when we cry our souls are restored and made lighter. We are re-energized for the fight ahead. Peace is a respite from the storm around us, it recharges us and reminds us that we are never alone.

So yes, God is a Good father and I am loved by Him. I guess now I can sing this song in peace.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/good-good-father/1440869998?i=1440870354

Watch the lyric video for ‘Good, good Father’ by Chris Tomlin

The Highlands

I’ve spent quite a bit of time in the Scottish Highlands. My in-laws are Scottish and we’ve had quite a few holidays visiting them. I love Scotland, and I especially love the Highlands. They are rugged, barren and beautiful. It is so easy to imagine the old clans in their tartans making a life for themselves out there. It must have been a hard life because the Highlands are not a forgiving place. The weather can change in an instant, and snow and rain can make it almost inhospitable. And yet their ruggedness is what adds to their beauty. The purple heather in the autumn while beautiful, is not soft and fluffy. There is nothing gentle about the Highlands. Today’s song is called ‘Highlands’ by Hillsong United.

O how high would I climb mountains

If the mountains were where You hide

O how far I’d scale the valleys

If You graced the other side

O how long have I chased rivers

From lowly seas to where they rise

Against the rush of grace descending

From the source of its supply

I took my kids to watch new The Lion King movie, and was once again struck by how incredible nature is. The movie did a great job showing the African landscape, the majestic animals, the hugely varied vegetation and terrain. The thing about nature is that it is a reminder of the Creator. And the God who created the world is reflected in what He made. Like the Highlands, He is majestic and has a rugged beauty. Like the ocean, He is endless and vast. The unbelievable variety and beauty of the animals is a mirror of His creativity and imagination. And while nature reflects His beauty, He is not soft and fluffy.

In the highlands and the heartache

You’re neither more or less inclined

I would search and stop at nothing

You’re just not that hard to find

It is also in nature that it is easy to find God. The busyness of city life, the relentless pace, the endless distractions and stress make God much harder to see. We can often go through days and weeks without giving ourselves time and space to just be, to get in touch with ourselves. But as today’s song says, God is not that hard to find.

So I will praise You on the mountain

And I will praise You when the mountain’s in my way

You’re the summit where my feet are

So I will praise You in the valleys all the same

No less God within the shadows

No less faithful when the night leads me astray

You’re the heaven where my heart is

In the highlands and the heartache all the same

I think it is when we encounter hardship that we start to question things. We question our purpose, our priorities, the meaning of life as a whole. Why are we here on earth if only to suffer and struggle? Why is life so hard? Where is God and why isn’t He making life easier? But when we take a step back, step outside of our lives for a bit we find that those questions change.

I love taking my dogs walking in a nearby green space. Even though this area is surrounded by houses and busy roads, when you are in it you feel like you could be far outside the city. Watching the dogs play in the mud and swim in the dams, walking through trees and fields, remind me of who God is and where He is. By giving myself this space in my daily life I would be reminded again of God as my creator, and also God as my comforter. Stepping away from the distractions, I would find God again and I would feel His peace and love.

O how far beneath Your glory

Does Your kindness extend the path

From where Your feet rest on the sunrise

To where You sweep the sinner’s past

O how fast would You come running

If just to shadow me through the night

Trace my steps through all my failure

And walk me out the other side

The God who created all things, is bigger than all He created. When we are struggling in life it is easy to question if He really is as powerful as He says He is. When the mountains get in our way it is easy to focus on the obstacles and question God’s very existence. But when we take a step back and look around, we once again see Him for who He is. Knowing God is there doesn’t make our suffering hurt less, but it does give us perspective. Just like being hugged can make us feel like our burdens are shared, so acknowledging God for who He is can reassure us that our struggles are not too big to bear. God is still bigger than our problems, than our heartache. And even when it hurts, we can hold on to the promise He gives us that this too shall pass.

Whatever I walk through

Wherever I am

Your Name can move mountains

Wherever I stand

And if ever I walk through

The valley of death

I’ll sing through the shadows

My song of ascent

From the gravest of all valleys

Come the pastures we call grace

A mighty river flowing upwards

From a deep but empty grave

https://music.apple.com/za/album/highlands-song-of-ascent-live/1453339561?i=1453339571

Watch the video for ‘The Highlands’ by Hillsong

Here’s a link to My Song in the Night’s playlist, featuring the songs from the blog posts:

https://music.apple.com/za/playlist/my-song-in-the-night/pl.u-gxblMR7txxMyzv

Oceans

I am a beach person. My soul is revived by just looking out over the sea. The noise of the waves, the smell of the salt water, the feel of the sand, it all grounds me and gives me a sense of peace and rest. Living inland I make sure that we have a beach holiday every year, and I’m not sure who benefits more, me or the kids who just play for hours. Looking at the sea also reminds me of who I am in the greater scheme of things. No matter what I do or what I am going through, the waves still crash onto the shore, the tides move the waters around, the sea gulls hunt for fish and ocean life continues in its universal cycles. No matter how overwhelmed I’m feeling, I am reminded of just how small I am and how big God is.

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

‘Oceans’ by Hillsong is a really well know worship song, we sang it in church just last week. As I was singing it I became aware of a few truths that have been echoed in my recent journey. God is a God of mystery. There is no way that we can know everything about Him and how He works. Often we can’t make sense of what is happening in our lives, but we feel like in some way there is more going on than what appears on the surface. Just like the sea, we can’t see the tides but the effects that they have are momentous. In order to truly experience God, however, we need to get out onto the water and see where the tides take us. We can’t experience the adventure from the shore.

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise, my soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Sometimes we are thrown into the deep, much like I was. I didn’t necessarily ask for the adventure, and I sure didn’t enjoy the storms, they were terrifying. Sometimes I barely got to take a breath before being thrown back into the tempest. Other times I was able to recover before the next squall hit. But no matter how high the waves and how strong the winds, my head kept above the waters (even if sometimes I was choking on the water). It was in those moments of deepest desperation that I called on God and without fail He heard my cries. I knew that He was there, and that I wouldn’t go under.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

What is amazing though, is that the more we need Him and the greater our reliance on Him, the more we appreciate His presence. The deeper the waters and the higher the waves, the more we need His grace, and the greater our experience of that grace is. Our faith is built when we realize that He will never fail us, He will never leave us to drown. What He does ask of us though is that we keep our eyes on Him. There is a story of Peter, one of the disciples. They are out on the sea in the middle of a huge storm, and they are all terrified. Next thing, they see Jesus walking on the water towards them. Peter, in his exuberance, wants to walk on the water too. So he does, and he is amazed that he is keeping above the waves. But as soon as He takes his eyes off of Jesus, he starts sinking. My experience of being thrown overboard in the storm is that when I focus too much on where I am, when all I see are the waves, that is when I start feel like I’m going under. As soon as I remember that I am not alone, that God is the one who will keep me afloat, my head pops back above the waves.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

The adventure may be a response to God calling you, or you may have been thrown overboard without a choice, either way it will be an adventure. And the deeper the waters that you venture into, the greater will be the story that you have to tell. It will be much scarier, terrifying at times and there will be times when you’re not sure if you will make it through. But when you do, you will have an unshakeable realization that God is who He says He is. He is faithful, He is with us and He will never desert us.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/oceans-where-feet-may-fail/591075444?i=591075501

Watch the music video of ‘Oceans’ by Hillsong United

https://music.apple.com/za/playlist/my-song-in-the-night/pl.u-gxblMR7txxMyzv

Still

How many of us quickly check messages on our phone while we are waiting at a red traffic light. Or check emails and Facebook while we’re watching TV (or on the toilet!). It feels nearly impossible to just ‘do nothing’ for even a short moment in time. The 30 seconds it takes for the light to turn green can be filled with doing something useful, surely? It feels like a curse of our culture, this inability to just ‘do nothing’. To just sit and wait for our turn in the line at the shops. To not flick through the channels when there is an ad break in our favorite show, or rather to stream the show so that we miss ads altogether! Today’s song is ‘Still’ by Hillary Scott and the Scott Family.

I believe that You are God alone

But sometimes I still try to take control

‘Cause I get scared when I can’t see the end

And all You want from me is to let go

Over and over in the Bible, both in the Old and the New testaments we find the command to ‘Be Still’. Exodus 14:14 says ‘The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still’. Psalm 46:10 says ‘Be still and know that I am God’. In Mark 4:39 Jesus tells the stormy sea ‘Quiet! Be still’. There are plenty more verses along this line. What I’ve noticed as a common theme amongst them all is that the command to ‘Be Still’ is given in a place of turmoil, of struggle, even of fighting. This is so counter-intuitive to us. We have been raised to be pro-active, to head off trouble before it finds us, to take charge of a situation and work towards the best possible outcome.

You’re parting waters

Making a way for me

You’re moving mountains that I don’t even see

You’ve answered my prayer before I even speak

All You need for me to be is still

If you look at some of the many difficult situations that people in the Bible got themselves into, the way out of trouble was not through their doing. The Israelites trying to flee Egypt were led to the Red Sea, trapped surely? Well, God opened the sea, making a way through for them. The Egyptians were not so fortunate! The Israelites didn’t need to do anything, God did it all. The same happened at the river Jordan, Joshua did what He was told by the Lord, and God opened the river so that they could pass through on dry land. The battle of Jericho was won by marching around the city walls. Gideon’s army was stripped down to barely any soldiers, and the enemies ended up killing themselves in confusion.

I bring my praise before I bring my need

‘Cause there’s no fear You’ve not already seen

I rest my heart on all Your promises

‘Cause I have seen and know Your faithfulness

If you are anything like me, we read these stories and maybe are even amazed. But we somehow don’t really believe that those miracles can happen in our lives. I need to solve my problems on my own. Sure, I’ll pray and ask God for help, but so often we take matters back into our own hands. We even try to tell God how to answer our prayers. Over the last 2 years I have been really challenged to pray and actually hand over my problems, worries and fears. And when I feel anxious I have to remind myself to not worry about those fears. I have had to remember that I handed them to God, I can’t take them back. And over and over my prayers have been answered. Sometimes in small ways, sometimes in much bigger things. But the more I have learned to really trust God in answering my prayers, the more faithful He is. So when He tells me to ‘Be Still and know that He is God’, I am able to let Him be God.

All You need for me to be is still

And know that You are God

Be still

And know that You, trust that You are parting waters

Lord, You whispered my name

Oh, You answered my prayer

You’re moving mountains

So while ‘being still’ feels like I’m doing nothing, it is actually an act of trust and faith. It is allowing God to be God and to do things His way. It is hard, and it isn’t passive. It is learning to walk with God and learning to trust that He knows what is best for me. It is learning that He knows more than I do, that He can see the bigger picture. What I have also learned is that so often God has answered prayers before I even asked them. He has brought people and situations into my life which have turned out to be so incredibly necessary and fulfilling needs which I only realised in retrospect.

So now my challenge when new issues and worries crop up, is to keep handing them back to God and trust that He will answer these prayers in the way that is best for me. There are a few things at the moment that I’m actively telling myself to not worry about, but to trust God completely to resolve. I don’t believe that I’m absolving myself of responsibility for my life, I act when I believe I need to. I feel like I make decisions much more easily and with so much less angst than before. I don’t second guess myself because I am trusting that I am being led to make the right choices. I will continue to learn to be still and trust that God is God and I am not.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/still/1444903310?i=1444903318

Watch the lyric video for ‘Still’ by Hilary Scott and the Scott Family

Click below for the My Song in the Night playlist, featuring songs from the blogs.

https://music.apple.com/za/playlist/my-song-in-the-night/pl.u-gxblMR7txxMyzv

Beloved

I remember growing up and hearing from my grandfather that pain wasn’t always a bad thing, pain was our body’s way of sending us a message. My mother re-inforced this message. She’d tell me to listen to what my body was trying to tell me. I have tried to do this over the years, if I was in discomfort, I’d try and rest instead of forcing myself to keep going. Since being diagnosed with depression many years ago, I’ve tried to apply these lessons to my mental and emotional state of mind too. Today’s song is ‘Beloved’ by Jordan Feliz.

Head full of questions, how can you measure up?

To deserve affection, to ever be enough

For this existence

When did it get so hard?

Your heart is beating, alive and breathing

And there’s a reason why

You are essential, not accidental

And you should realize

You are beloved

I read a Facebook post by Lisa Terkeurst where she talks about how experiencing excruciating pain literally saved her life. Doctors were struggling to find the source of her pain, and she was praying desperately that God would take the pain away. It took 5 days before the doctors found what was wrong, and if the pain had gone away she would have probably been discharged and likely would have died. As I was reading this I was struck by the parallels with emotional pain. Our emotional and mental state are indicative of what is going on inside us. As a culture we tend to ignore or suppress emotional pain, we force ourselves to carry on despite how we are feeling. We don’t give our emotions and mental state the same significance that we give physical issues.

But we all know what happens when we don’t deal with the emotional difficulties we have experienced. We have all seen people over react to relatively minor incidents, we’ve seen excessive rage, difficulties in maintaining healthy relationships, the search for escape through drugs, alcohol and sex. I believe that much of this could be avoided if we deal with our emotional pain like we do with our physical pain.

You are beloved

I wanted you to know

You are beloved

Let it soak into your soul

Oh, forget the lies you heard

Rise above the hurt

And listen to these words

You are beloved

So as I was reading Lisa’s post I realised that I was thankful for my emotional pain and the journey that I am on. If I wasn’t feeling pain, then I wouldn’t be dealing with what has happened over the past couple of years. I have been processing a lot, working with my counselor and drawing closer to God. None of this would happen if I wasn’t experiencing the rejection, loss and sadness that I have been. As my counselor says, if you don’t experience the pain and deal with it now, it will come back at a later stage, and it will be even worse. I can’t just lose a 25 year relationship without consequences. I need to examine myself, find out who I am and acknowledge the depth of the betrayal. And I also need to look for the ways I am healing and growing and strengthening on this journey.

Sometimes a heart can feel like a heavy weight

It pulls you under and you just fall away

Is anybody gonna hear you call?

But there’s a purpose

Under the surface

And you don’t have to drown

Let me remind you

That love will find you

Let it lift you out

I have also drawn closer to God in a way that I have never done before. I am so aware of my need for Him. And as I reach out to Him in distress and sadness, so I allow Him to comfort me, to strengthen me and to guide me. The phrase ‘God will meet you in your need’ is so true for me. At every stage on this journey, God has met me where I’ve needed Him. He has made His presence known through music, friends, the Bible and just a deep sense of peace.

Don’t be afraid

Don’t let hope fade

Keep your eyes fixed on the light above

In the heartbreak, in your mistakes

Nothing can separate you from love

I chose today’s song because I believe that by dealing with our pain, both physical and emotional, we are honoring our bodies and our minds. We are showing love to ourselves. And the more we love ourselves, the more we realize and accept how much God loves us. We are his ‘beloved’, and we are deeply loved.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/beloved/1445666066?i=1445667813

Watch the lyric video for Beloved by Jordan Feliz

Praise You in this storm

The past couple of weeks have been really hard. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and have been feeling quite down. I have had enough of the struggle and darkness. How long will the pain last! Can I just skip to the part where life is good again? Despair has been lurking, waiting to push me off the cliff. I had a refrain running through my head but I couldn’t work out which song it was from. I eventually did a google search of the lyrics and found that it was ‘Praise you in this storm’ by Casting Crowns.

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down

And wiped our tears away,

Stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen

And it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear your whisper through the rain

I’m with you

And as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

The God who gives and takes away

When I listened to it again, the lyrics resonated with me. Surely by now God could have sorted things out, healed the hurt and helped us move on! But He hasn’t, it’s still raining, sometimes it feels like a torrential rain and I wonder if I will just get washed away. I’m getting tired of holding on to hope.

And I’ll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

And you are who you are

No matter where I am

And every tear I’ve cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

The image of God holding my tears in His hands gets me time and time again. It talks of such tender care, of deep, intimate love. It’s a sign of togetherness and comfort. I have realised that I’ve been watching the storm, and bemoaning the wind and rain. I have taken my eyes off of the One who calms the wind, who gentles the waves. Those moments where I’ve felt overwhelmed and drowning were the moments when I was relying on my own strength to see me through. And there is no way that I’m strong enough to walk through this hurricane.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone how can I carry on

If I can’t find you

There is a Psalm that I love, and I’ve been praying over and over recently, especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It is Psalm 121, here are verses 1-4: “I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.”

Today’s song ends with these those words, and that was the refrain that I was thinking about. In my head when I say the words ‘I lift my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from?’, I picture God on top of the mountain. He created that mountain and He created me. He can see much further than I can, He knows infinitely more than I do. Surely He can give me the strength that I need to navigate this path! So today lift your eyes up off yourself and the troubles that surround you. Look at the One who made the mountains, who calms the seas and trust Him to give you the help that you need. Trust Him to see you through the storm, and to bring you to the peace and shelter on the other side. That is what I’m holding onto.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/praise-you-in-this-storm/269440851?i=269441147

Watch the lyric video for ‘Praise You in this storm’ by Casting Crowns

God only knows

Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin’

Too afraid of what might show up while you’re dreamin’

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you

Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you

Every day you try to pick up all the pieces

All the memories, they somehow never leave you

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you

Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you

One of the hardest things about going through a tough time is the loneliness. As much as people give support and love, you are the only one who can walk the road that you are on. I have amazing friends who have been an incredible support, and I thank God for them everyday. I have a group of people who pray for me and the kids, and I am so grateful to be able to send them messages to pray for something specific. But as supportive as they are, I still need to wake up everyday and face whatever the day brings. The song today is ‘God only knows’ by For King and Country.

God only knows what you’ve been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows how it’s killing you

But there’s a kind of love that God only knows

God only knows what you’ve been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows the real you

There’s a kind of love that God only knows

What has surprised me over and over in the last 2 years has been how God turns up when I need Him most. I know intellectually that He is with me all the time, but there is a big difference between head knowledge and heart awareness. There have been a number of times when I’ve been in such emotional pain that I have cried out in despair. I couldn’t have even put words to what I was feeling and I’d call out to God. Sometimes I would shout a loud ‘WHY’. Or it was a cry of desperation, a plea for relief from what I was feeling. There was usually a lot of anger. I didn’t know before this experience that acute emotional pain is as real as physical pain. But every time I was in that dark place, I would feel a deep presence, a comfort and reassurance. Once I had cried and released the pain, I would be filled with peace.

You keep a cover over every single secret

So afraid if someone saw them they would leave

But somebody, somebody, somebody sees you

Somebody, somebody will never leave you

I just knew that God saw me, God cried with me and He knew exactly what I was feeling. I couldn’t hide from Him or pretend that everything was ok. And as I’ve experienced Him in such a tangible way, I have realised that I don’t want to hide from Him any more. I also felt His guidance more clearly than I have ever felt it before. I couldn’t explain my actions other than I had a deep sense of when the time came to make a decision. Over and over when I had people suggesting I do one thing or the other, I knew that I would know when the time was right.

I can typically be pretty hard on myself and judge my thoughts and actions very harshly. I’ve had a few people question my situation and ask me if I couldn’t have done more or tried harder to save the marriage. But because I have experienced God over and over, and because I know that He knows me, I have found myself more sure of what I’ve done. I’ve been gentle with myself and learned to trust my decisions. I have been reassured that there is nothing more that I could have done.

Oh for the lonely, for the ashamed

The misunderstood, and the ones to blame

What if we could start over

We could start over

‘Cause there’s a kind of love that God only knows

For people looking at your situation, it may seem like the decisions are easy and obvious. But for you, it is not so simple. Once again God is the only one who really sees where you are, what is in your heart. And I want to encourage you to lean into Him. God only knows what you’re going through, God only knows the real you. And He loves you. I have allowed people to love and support me, and I have gratefully leaned on my friends. But I also have to lean on God because ultimately it comes down to Him and me.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/god-only-knows/1398353335?i=1398353598

Watch the music video for God Only Knows by For King and Country

Sinking Deep

The phrase ‘sinking deep’ conjures up a few images. There’s the image of falling into soft, gentle comfort like a bed, a bean bag or a giant hug. That image elicits feelings of warmth and reassurance. There is also sinking deep into a swamp, where your feet get trapped and you slowly start sinking lower and lower. This image can inspire fear and anxiety. Today’s song is also called ‘Sinking Deep’, by Hillsong and I chose it because it was relevant to me on a number of levels.

Standing here in Your presence

In a grace so relentless

I am won

By perfect love

Wrapped within the arms of heaven

In a peace that lasts forever

Sinking deep

In mercy’s sea

One of the realisations that I’ve had on this journey that I’m on, is that grief and heartbreak happen on many levels. Like an onion, layers are peeled back one at a time. As time moves on, I can feel the hurt in new ways. I’m ‘sinking deep’ into my new reality. As I encounter new ‘firsts’, so I have reminders of the way things were and will never be again. Sometimes it feels like many small stabs to the heart. Each time I have to reassure and comfort the kids, each time I have to step up to the plate where before my husband would have done so, every environment I’m in where he would have been with me before, are all reminders that life has irrevocably changed.

I’m wide awake

Drawing close

Stirred by grace

And all my heart is Yours

All fear removed

I breathe You in

I lean into Your love

Oh, Your love

I’ve recently been on holiday with the kids and some friends. We went to the coast and had a wonderful time, lots of time spent on the beach and swimming in the sea, even though it’s winter here. I love the ocean, my soul finds peace just staring out at the waves. But even though it was a great holiday, it was hard and I came back feeing sad and heavy. Thinking over why I felt like this, I realised that I had been holding myself together to make sure that the kids had fun. I had to drive further than I’ve ever had to on my own, and assume responsibility for the family where before that responsibility was shared. I was really proud of myself for handling everything that came my way with ease. But underneath I was angry and hurt that I was having to do it on my own. It just doesn’t feel fair. This anger was starting to become all consuming until I got into bed one night and started journaling my feelings. I turned on my music and the song Sinking Deep came on. I had a strong realization that now I needed to sink deep into God. I needed to let out the anger and then let it go. I needed to sink into the comfort that God longs to give me.

When I’m lost You pursue me

Lift my head to see Your glory

Lord of all

So beautiful

Here in You I find shelter

Captivated by the splendor

Of Your face

My secret place

It was amazing how much peace I got when I let go and focused on God again. I was able to lean into His love. I played this song on repeat and just imagined myself wrapped in His arms, sheltered by His grace and peace. I was able to put down the heaviness I was hauling around. Once again I was reminded that when my eyes focus on my pain, the pain seems to increase and take over. When I focus on God, it doesn’t diminish the pain but I’m reminded that I can get through this, that this pain isn’t going to last forever.

Love so deep

Is washing over me

Your face is all I seek

You are my everything

Jesus Christ

You are my one desire

Lord hear my only cry

To know You all my life

I want to encourage you to let out and let go of what is worrying you, of the pain and anger and frustrations that you are carrying around. God completely understands them, and He longs to offer you His comfort and peace. When life is overwhelming and you are wondering how you will keep going, that is when we need to sink deep into God and allow his peace and grace to surround us, fill us, confort us and re-energize us.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/sinking-deep-live/692897617?i=692898251

Watch the lyric video for Sinking Deep by Hillsong Young and Free

Shine

I often go about my life, busy with daily routine and I wonder if anyone ever actually sees me. I’ve spent many years as a stay at home mom (now I do work part time as well), and it can be a lonely experience. So much of my day would be spent alone, doing important work, but there were no colleagues or bosses checking in on me. I could really be doing anything and no one would know. I think suffering is a bit like that too, it is a lonely journey, and there are times that we wonder if anyone really ‘sees’ us.

Send me a sign

A hint, a whisper

Throw me a line

‘Cause I am listening

Come break the quiet

Breathe your awakening

Bring me to life

‘Cause I am fading

Today’s song is SMS (Shine) by David Crowder. I just love this song as it speaks into the feeling of wanting to be seen, to be noticed.

Shine Your light so I can see You

Pull me up, I need to be near You

Hold me, I need to feel loved

Can You overcome this heart that’s overcome?

We can so easily feel overcome by the troubles in our lives. We are conditioned to succeed and thrive no matter our circumstances, we need to keep being productive and to cope no matter what. But inside, our hearts may be crying out for more, we are desperate for help, for someone to lift us up and fill us on the inside to help us keep going. The question of whether even God can overcome our hearts that are overcome by life, starts to echo in our souls.

You sent a sign

A hint, a whisper

Human, divine

Heaven is listening

Death laid love quiet

Yet in the night a stirring

All around the rush of angels

This song reminds me that God has sent a sign that He is listening to the cries of my heart. Heaven hears me, the angels surround me, love has conquered all.

Shine Your light so all can see it

Lifted up, ’cause the whole world needs it

Love has come, what joy to hear it

He has overcome, He has overcome

So in that quiet place where my hearts dares to ask if I’m seen, the answer is a resounding YES. The Lord of creation sees me, the God of comfort sees me. I am never alone. The cries of my heart are heard. God has overcome my heart.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/sms-shine-radio-version/1440953947?i=640848382

Watch the lyric video for SMS (Shine) by David Crowder