Take Heart

Woke up this morning
And life as you know it
Looks nothing like the kind of life you knew before
All of a sudden
Fear stole the headlines
And it don’t feel safe to even step outside your door

In this world you will have trouble
But I have overcome the world

As we were approaching 2020, my son pulled up a meme that basically said for the last few centuries there had been plagues in the 20th year, 1720, 1820 and 1920 (I think the dates of the meme were neatly adjusted), and so what ‘plague’ would 2020 bring. I remember thinking that that wouldn’t happen. In our ‘sophisticated’ times with all the technology and medicine that we have at hand, how could a ‘plague’ bring the world to its knees. And now it’s May 2020 and well, I guess I have my answer.

We are in times that are historical, times that we will look back on, times that our children will tell their children about. Times that are scary, unknown and anxiety provoking. I think it’s the uncertainty that is getting to a lot of people. In South Africa when our lockdown started, we were told it would be for 21 days. We have now passed day 50 and we don’t know when it will end.

So take heart
Take a breath
Let Me lift that heavy weight up off your chest
Take My hand
I know it’s looking dark
When the world falls all around you
I won’t let you fall apart
Take heart
Take heart

We also don’t know what our new normal will look like when we are finally allowed back ‘outside’. There are so many fears we all have. Fears for our loved ones, fears for our health, for our economic future. We fear the opening up of society and we also fear a prolonged lockdown. But fear causes us anxiety, so it is easier to turn fear into anger. We are lashing out at others who don’t share our views. We are fiercely debating topics that we don’t actually know much about. We are angry with our leaders for both their action and their inaction.

Do you remember singing
Back when you were younger
He’s got the whole world in His hands
Well, that’s still true

I hold your family, all your friends, and all your loved ones
And even when you’re barely holding on
I’m holding you

No one has the answers, and I don’t think there are any perfect solutions to the ‘Corona‘ crisis.And that doesn’t help our anxiety. When I heard this song by Matthew West, I felt a sense of peace and calm. I realized that I didn’t need to have the answers. I don’t need to know what’s right, what’s best.

When we lose our sense of control over our lives, when the rug is pulled out from underneath us, what do we do? Where do we turn for help? For me, I know that what I’m seeing is only a small part of the picture. I can’t see the whole story. I’m also finding freedom in giving up control. When I live from day to day and only worry about what today brings, the heavy anxiety of the future is lifted. Maybe I’m naive, but I know that in that past I have never been left to cope on my own. I’ve never been abandoned. And I won’t be abandoned now. Jesus told us that we would have trouble, He never pretended that life would be easy. But He said that He has overcome the world, so ‘Take Heart’. Take heart, be courageous, be reassured, help will arrive.

Oh, in this world you will have trouble
But I have overcome the world

So take heart
Take a breath
Let Me lift that heavy weight up off your chest
Take My hand
I know it’s looking dark
When the world falls all around you
I won’t let you fall apart
So take heart
Child, take heart

So today I can’t offer your answers, but I can remind you to ‘take heart’. You are not alone.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/take-heart/1506618608?i=1506618609

Watch the video for Take Heart by Matthew West

Good Father (or is He?)

I’ve been pondering the thoughts of today’s blog for a long while, but have just not been sure how to write them. I think I’ve finally found the right song. We recently sang ‘Good Good Father’ at church (sung by Chris Tomlin but written by Pat Barrett), in fact we’ve sung it a lot recently and every time we’ve sung it I am challenged. To be honest I haven’t enjoyed this song because of how I’ve been challenged in my own faith and journey.

I’ve heard a thousand stories of what they think you’re like

But I’ve heard the tender whispers of love in the dead of night

And you tell me that you’re pleased

And that I’m never alone

I have had struggles with my own father, and have had to learn to forgive him. It’s taken many years to try move on and to let go of the disappointments of my childhood (it’s still very much a work in progress!). My recent journey of betrayal has led me once again to struggling with the role of the father, this time on my kids’ behalf. How can a father not place his kids’ wellbeing above everything else? And again I’m being challenged here to forgive, to let go of disappointments. With this background, viewing God as my father has not been an easy space. I love the image of being able to call him ‘Abba’ or ‘Daddy’, of being able to just sit on His lap and be held. But when I need to sing of Him as the ‘Good father’, everything within me recoils.

You’re a good good father

It’s who you are, it’s who you are, it’s who you are

And I’m loved by you

It’s who I am, it’s who I am, it’s who I am

Why do it find it so hard? I read the words of the song and agree with them completely. Looking back over my blogs shows that I see God as a true, loving father. But come Father’s Day, or singing this song and my internal reaction begs to differ. So I’ve been challenging myself to sing this song and accept that despite my earthly disappointments, my Heavenly Father is indeed good. He does have my best interests at heart. He does love me unconditionally. I am His ‘princess’, His beloved daughter who provides Him endless joy and delight. And as I sing and try to let God love me like this, I have to let go of my childhood disappointments. I have to let go of the longings of the little girl inside me, and allow God to heal those hurts. I have to allow God to be all the things that I wished my earthly father was and couldn’t be. But even more, God is a perfect father. One which no earthly father can ever be.

I’ve seen many searching for answers far and wide

But I know we’re all searching

For answers only you provide

‘Cause you know just what we need

Before we say a word

During my recent journey through the darkness, I read somewhere that we need to forgive God when we find ourselves in suffering. Hold on, isn’t that heretical?? God is perfect, He has never done anything wrong, but we have. We are the ones needing forgiveness not the other way around! But when we find ourselves in that dark, hard, lonely place we do wonder why we are there. How can a good God allow this to happen! Why allow death of a person who radiates God’s love more than any other? Why allow the demise of a marriage which has been built on loving and serving God? Why allow the innocent child to suffer sickness and endure endless treatments?

Because you are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways

You are perfect in all of your ways to us

God is perfect but that doesn’t mean our lives are going to be. God will use our suffering and struggles but that doesn’t mean we will understand why they happened in the first place. Even when we believe we have been obedient to God, things don’t necessarily turn out the way we had hoped or planned. So does that mean that God has let us down? Has He reneged on His promises? The head answer is no, He never goes back on His word. Our heart’s answer is different. And this is where we need to allow God to be God. He does know more than we can ever know. He has a perspective that we will never have. And ultimately He will use everything for good. But in the mean time perhaps we need to ‘forgive’ God for the place that we find ourselves in. Not because God has done anything wrong, but because we aren’t happy with the turn that life has taken. We need to place our trust in Him, trust that in the end we will be ok. Trust that our present circumstances will pass, our pain, tears and heartache will pass. One day we will understand, but for now the challenge is to find peace.

Oh, it’s love so undeniable

I can hardly speak

Peace so unexplainable

I can hardly think

As you call me deeper still

Into love, love, love

Peace isn’t easy to find. And I don’t believe it just happens. We need to look for it, we need to ask for it. We need to be open to God healing us and drawing us deeper into Him. As we draw deeper into His love, we will find His peace. Peace doesn’t take away the struggles and the heartache. It is a place where our souls find rest, where we learn to trust God completely. It’s a place where we realize that we don’t need to know the outcome in order to trust that God is in control. It is a place where we can bring our sorrow and tears and weep with God. And when we cry our souls are restored and made lighter. We are re-energized for the fight ahead. Peace is a respite from the storm around us, it recharges us and reminds us that we are never alone.

So yes, God is a Good father and I am loved by Him. I guess now I can sing this song in peace.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/good-good-father/1440869998?i=1440870354

Watch the lyric video for ‘Good, good Father’ by Chris Tomlin

Still

How many of us quickly check messages on our phone while we are waiting at a red traffic light. Or check emails and Facebook while we’re watching TV (or on the toilet!). It feels nearly impossible to just ‘do nothing’ for even a short moment in time. The 30 seconds it takes for the light to turn green can be filled with doing something useful, surely? It feels like a curse of our culture, this inability to just ‘do nothing’. To just sit and wait for our turn in the line at the shops. To not flick through the channels when there is an ad break in our favorite show, or rather to stream the show so that we miss ads altogether! Today’s song is ‘Still’ by Hillary Scott and the Scott Family.

I believe that You are God alone

But sometimes I still try to take control

‘Cause I get scared when I can’t see the end

And all You want from me is to let go

Over and over in the Bible, both in the Old and the New testaments we find the command to ‘Be Still’. Exodus 14:14 says ‘The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still’. Psalm 46:10 says ‘Be still and know that I am God’. In Mark 4:39 Jesus tells the stormy sea ‘Quiet! Be still’. There are plenty more verses along this line. What I’ve noticed as a common theme amongst them all is that the command to ‘Be Still’ is given in a place of turmoil, of struggle, even of fighting. This is so counter-intuitive to us. We have been raised to be pro-active, to head off trouble before it finds us, to take charge of a situation and work towards the best possible outcome.

You’re parting waters

Making a way for me

You’re moving mountains that I don’t even see

You’ve answered my prayer before I even speak

All You need for me to be is still

If you look at some of the many difficult situations that people in the Bible got themselves into, the way out of trouble was not through their doing. The Israelites trying to flee Egypt were led to the Red Sea, trapped surely? Well, God opened the sea, making a way through for them. The Egyptians were not so fortunate! The Israelites didn’t need to do anything, God did it all. The same happened at the river Jordan, Joshua did what He was told by the Lord, and God opened the river so that they could pass through on dry land. The battle of Jericho was won by marching around the city walls. Gideon’s army was stripped down to barely any soldiers, and the enemies ended up killing themselves in confusion.

I bring my praise before I bring my need

‘Cause there’s no fear You’ve not already seen

I rest my heart on all Your promises

‘Cause I have seen and know Your faithfulness

If you are anything like me, we read these stories and maybe are even amazed. But we somehow don’t really believe that those miracles can happen in our lives. I need to solve my problems on my own. Sure, I’ll pray and ask God for help, but so often we take matters back into our own hands. We even try to tell God how to answer our prayers. Over the last 2 years I have been really challenged to pray and actually hand over my problems, worries and fears. And when I feel anxious I have to remind myself to not worry about those fears. I have had to remember that I handed them to God, I can’t take them back. And over and over my prayers have been answered. Sometimes in small ways, sometimes in much bigger things. But the more I have learned to really trust God in answering my prayers, the more faithful He is. So when He tells me to ‘Be Still and know that He is God’, I am able to let Him be God.

All You need for me to be is still

And know that You are God

Be still

And know that You, trust that You are parting waters

Lord, You whispered my name

Oh, You answered my prayer

You’re moving mountains

So while ‘being still’ feels like I’m doing nothing, it is actually an act of trust and faith. It is allowing God to be God and to do things His way. It is hard, and it isn’t passive. It is learning to walk with God and learning to trust that He knows what is best for me. It is learning that He knows more than I do, that He can see the bigger picture. What I have also learned is that so often God has answered prayers before I even asked them. He has brought people and situations into my life which have turned out to be so incredibly necessary and fulfilling needs which I only realised in retrospect.

So now my challenge when new issues and worries crop up, is to keep handing them back to God and trust that He will answer these prayers in the way that is best for me. There are a few things at the moment that I’m actively telling myself to not worry about, but to trust God completely to resolve. I don’t believe that I’m absolving myself of responsibility for my life, I act when I believe I need to. I feel like I make decisions much more easily and with so much less angst than before. I don’t second guess myself because I am trusting that I am being led to make the right choices. I will continue to learn to be still and trust that God is God and I am not.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/still/1444903310?i=1444903318

Watch the lyric video for ‘Still’ by Hilary Scott and the Scott Family

Click below for the My Song in the Night playlist, featuring songs from the blogs.

https://music.apple.com/za/playlist/my-song-in-the-night/pl.u-gxblMR7txxMyzv

God only knows

Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin’

Too afraid of what might show up while you’re dreamin’

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you

Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you

Every day you try to pick up all the pieces

All the memories, they somehow never leave you

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you

Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you

One of the hardest things about going through a tough time is the loneliness. As much as people give support and love, you are the only one who can walk the road that you are on. I have amazing friends who have been an incredible support, and I thank God for them everyday. I have a group of people who pray for me and the kids, and I am so grateful to be able to send them messages to pray for something specific. But as supportive as they are, I still need to wake up everyday and face whatever the day brings. The song today is ‘God only knows’ by For King and Country.

God only knows what you’ve been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows how it’s killing you

But there’s a kind of love that God only knows

God only knows what you’ve been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows the real you

There’s a kind of love that God only knows

What has surprised me over and over in the last 2 years has been how God turns up when I need Him most. I know intellectually that He is with me all the time, but there is a big difference between head knowledge and heart awareness. There have been a number of times when I’ve been in such emotional pain that I have cried out in despair. I couldn’t have even put words to what I was feeling and I’d call out to God. Sometimes I would shout a loud ‘WHY’. Or it was a cry of desperation, a plea for relief from what I was feeling. There was usually a lot of anger. I didn’t know before this experience that acute emotional pain is as real as physical pain. But every time I was in that dark place, I would feel a deep presence, a comfort and reassurance. Once I had cried and released the pain, I would be filled with peace.

You keep a cover over every single secret

So afraid if someone saw them they would leave

But somebody, somebody, somebody sees you

Somebody, somebody will never leave you

I just knew that God saw me, God cried with me and He knew exactly what I was feeling. I couldn’t hide from Him or pretend that everything was ok. And as I’ve experienced Him in such a tangible way, I have realised that I don’t want to hide from Him any more. I also felt His guidance more clearly than I have ever felt it before. I couldn’t explain my actions other than I had a deep sense of when the time came to make a decision. Over and over when I had people suggesting I do one thing or the other, I knew that I would know when the time was right.

I can typically be pretty hard on myself and judge my thoughts and actions very harshly. I’ve had a few people question my situation and ask me if I couldn’t have done more or tried harder to save the marriage. But because I have experienced God over and over, and because I know that He knows me, I have found myself more sure of what I’ve done. I’ve been gentle with myself and learned to trust my decisions. I have been reassured that there is nothing more that I could have done.

Oh for the lonely, for the ashamed

The misunderstood, and the ones to blame

What if we could start over

We could start over

‘Cause there’s a kind of love that God only knows

For people looking at your situation, it may seem like the decisions are easy and obvious. But for you, it is not so simple. Once again God is the only one who really sees where you are, what is in your heart. And I want to encourage you to lean into Him. God only knows what you’re going through, God only knows the real you. And He loves you. I have allowed people to love and support me, and I have gratefully leaned on my friends. But I also have to lean on God because ultimately it comes down to Him and me.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/god-only-knows/1398353335?i=1398353598

Watch the music video for God Only Knows by For King and Country

Sinking Deep

The phrase ‘sinking deep’ conjures up a few images. There’s the image of falling into soft, gentle comfort like a bed, a bean bag or a giant hug. That image elicits feelings of warmth and reassurance. There is also sinking deep into a swamp, where your feet get trapped and you slowly start sinking lower and lower. This image can inspire fear and anxiety. Today’s song is also called ‘Sinking Deep’, by Hillsong and I chose it because it was relevant to me on a number of levels.

Standing here in Your presence

In a grace so relentless

I am won

By perfect love

Wrapped within the arms of heaven

In a peace that lasts forever

Sinking deep

In mercy’s sea

One of the realisations that I’ve had on this journey that I’m on, is that grief and heartbreak happen on many levels. Like an onion, layers are peeled back one at a time. As time moves on, I can feel the hurt in new ways. I’m ‘sinking deep’ into my new reality. As I encounter new ‘firsts’, so I have reminders of the way things were and will never be again. Sometimes it feels like many small stabs to the heart. Each time I have to reassure and comfort the kids, each time I have to step up to the plate where before my husband would have done so, every environment I’m in where he would have been with me before, are all reminders that life has irrevocably changed.

I’m wide awake

Drawing close

Stirred by grace

And all my heart is Yours

All fear removed

I breathe You in

I lean into Your love

Oh, Your love

I’ve recently been on holiday with the kids and some friends. We went to the coast and had a wonderful time, lots of time spent on the beach and swimming in the sea, even though it’s winter here. I love the ocean, my soul finds peace just staring out at the waves. But even though it was a great holiday, it was hard and I came back feeing sad and heavy. Thinking over why I felt like this, I realised that I had been holding myself together to make sure that the kids had fun. I had to drive further than I’ve ever had to on my own, and assume responsibility for the family where before that responsibility was shared. I was really proud of myself for handling everything that came my way with ease. But underneath I was angry and hurt that I was having to do it on my own. It just doesn’t feel fair. This anger was starting to become all consuming until I got into bed one night and started journaling my feelings. I turned on my music and the song Sinking Deep came on. I had a strong realization that now I needed to sink deep into God. I needed to let out the anger and then let it go. I needed to sink into the comfort that God longs to give me.

When I’m lost You pursue me

Lift my head to see Your glory

Lord of all

So beautiful

Here in You I find shelter

Captivated by the splendor

Of Your face

My secret place

It was amazing how much peace I got when I let go and focused on God again. I was able to lean into His love. I played this song on repeat and just imagined myself wrapped in His arms, sheltered by His grace and peace. I was able to put down the heaviness I was hauling around. Once again I was reminded that when my eyes focus on my pain, the pain seems to increase and take over. When I focus on God, it doesn’t diminish the pain but I’m reminded that I can get through this, that this pain isn’t going to last forever.

Love so deep

Is washing over me

Your face is all I seek

You are my everything

Jesus Christ

You are my one desire

Lord hear my only cry

To know You all my life

I want to encourage you to let out and let go of what is worrying you, of the pain and anger and frustrations that you are carrying around. God completely understands them, and He longs to offer you His comfort and peace. When life is overwhelming and you are wondering how you will keep going, that is when we need to sink deep into God and allow his peace and grace to surround us, fill us, confort us and re-energize us.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/sinking-deep-live/692897617?i=692898251

Watch the lyric video for Sinking Deep by Hillsong Young and Free

Starts and Ends

People have been asking me how I am and I’m not always sure how to answer. Life keeps rolling on and for the most part my head is above water. I’m able to get through each day, sometimes it’s easier than others. But often there are underlying emotions which threaten to push through to the surface. I can’t always name them, or even identify where they are coming from but I do know that I don’t feel at peace. I’m going back to the new Hillsong United Album today with their song ‘Starts and Ends’

My soul thirsts for things I can’t explain

In my bones a beckoning to pray

If my heart is a battleground

My defences run both ways

The flesh is a beggar and thief

But there is a Spirit-man awakening me

Peace is such a treasured state. Angst is not. It’s uncomfortable, edgy. It can be almost physically uncomfortable. I’m not sure if I want to be quiet and rest, or get up and tick off my to do list. And whichever I choose doesn’t seem to satisfy. That inner discomfort follows me around, there is no escape from it. I can numb it temporarily but it will come back.

When real life and peace won’t make amends

When all these starts

Start feeling like these ends

Like the world is unravelling

And I’m bound to come undone

There is a Shepherd a Priest

There is a Comforter who comforts me

I have begun to realize that this inner turmoil needs to be dealt with and handed over to the One who can take it. The unsettled feeling is usually trying to tell us something. Sometimes we actually know what is bothering us but we don’t want to acknowledge it. It may be something we have done which we shouldn’t have, or something we haven’t done which we should have. It might be our reaction to a situation that didn’t feel right. Or maybe it is something that has been done to you. I know that I tend to post-process (well that’s my term for it). Only after an interaction do I realize what bothered me about it. Sometimes it takes me days to figure it out.

And my soul finds rest

Where it makes no sense

There the blood sets me free

All my old regrets

All my brokenness

All my failures redeemed

And it feels like grace

Where I stacked my shame

There the cross stands for me

When we finally acknowledge our turmoil we can hand it over to God. For me it’s sometimes a simple conversation in my head with God, saying take this from me. Other times I have asked my friends to pray for me and the issue I am facing. It is incredible how the sense of peace comes so quickly afterwards. I am suddenly not carrying this burden alone, it is shared and a shared burden is so much lighter. The issue may not be resolved, but I don’t have the angst around it anymore.

Lay your burden down upon

Down upon Him

Lay your burden down

Peace is something that God wants us to have. How amazing is this promise that Jesus gave us: “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” This comes from John 14:27.

All the things I’ve done

All the times I’ve run

All my dead ends redeemed

And it looks like hope

Where my heart was broke

And His heart broke for me

God is with us through it all, He wants to share life with us and carry our burdens for us. His heart breaks for us. And He longs to give us His peace. All we need to do it accept it.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/starts-and-ends-live/1453339561?i=1453339570

Watch the video for ‘Starts and Ends’ by Hillsong United

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