Lie number one you’re supposed to have it all together

And when they ask how you’re doing

Just smile and tell them, “Never better”

Lie number 2 everybody’s life is perfect except yours

So keep your messes and your wounds

And your secrets safe with you behind closed doors

This song by Matthew West is a great one, and I think I’d struggle hard to find someone who can’t relate to it, at one stage in their life or another. If you’re living in South Africa at the moment it’s very hard to say that everything is fine. Between a third wave of Covid that’s worse than the previous two, another lockdown which is having a huge economic impact and now violent protests, life definitely feels like it’s spinning out of control. Everyday I’m hearing of someone’s colleague who has passed away, or a loved one struggling in hospital.

Truth be told

The truth is rarely told, now

I say I’m fine, yeah I’m fine oh I’m fine, hey I’m fine but I’m not

I’m broken

When people ask me how I am, I say ‘I’m fine’, because on the surface I am. I have a house, a warm bed, enough food, a reliable car, healthy kids and work from home. What is there to complain about when so many have it much much worse. But the truth is, I’m not fine. I’m barely holding it together. Yes, I’m coping with life but the toll it’s taking is growing.

And when it’s out of control I say it’s under control but it’s not

And you know it

I don’t know why it’s so hard to admit it

When being honest is the only way to fix it

There’s no failure, no fall

There’s no sin you don’t already know

So let the truth be told

I imagine that this is true for so many of us. Amidst the craziness, uncertainty and anxiety we are spinning out of control. Covid has brought about an isolation that we’re not used to. It’s also brought life and death into sharp focus, and has revealed the fragility of our health.

But there’s an added layer for some of us, a deeper loneliness for those who are single. I’ve been on my own for almost 3 years now. I would have thought that by now I’d be used to doing life on my own, and for the most part I am. I’m used to the daily routine, being the only responsible adult in the house, being the only one to think of what’s for dinner. I’m used to the empty bed, it doesn’t bother me so much anymore. I’m enjoying being able to watch whatever I want on Netflix. But what I’m not used to is not having a bouncing board, a team mate, someone to tell me that everything will be ok.

There’s a sign on the door, says, “Come as you are” but I doubt it

‘Cause if we lived like it was true, every Sunday morning pew would be crowded

But didn’t you say the church should look more like a hospital

A safe place for the sick, the sinner and the scarred and the prodigals

Like me

I don’t think I’m made to do life alone. And now that I can’t even see friends, the feeling has been exacerbated. The kids are my main human interaction, apart from the shop tellers and baristas. And not only am I dealing with my own fears and anxiety, but I’m helping them with theirs too. I’m trying to compensate for them not seeing their friends, for worry, for missing school, by taking them on extra outings to the park, movie nights, homemade sushi etc. And while that’s fun, it takes a toll. There’s no one looking out for me, so I need to do that too.

Can I really stand here unashamed

Knowin’ that you love for me won’t change?

Oh God if that’s really true

Then let the truth be told

I’m not writing this post to get sympathy, but I want to share this so that others who are single know that they are not alone. That while we have so many blessings, we are also struggling. Our bloody finger nails are barely holding onto the edge of the cliff. And it is ok to admit that we’re not fine. Maybe we also need to learn how to ask for help. I keep hoping that someone will intuitively know what I need but that’s not going to happen. Not because friends and family don’t care or don’t want to help, but because they are dealing with their own struggles. We need to reach out and ask for what we need.

So if you have a single friend, I encourage you to reach out to them. Drop off a meal or some flowers. Buy them a massage voucher, invite them for a walk or for coffee. Send them a message to let them know that they are on your mind, and ask if they need anything. Perhaps you or your partner can help with some DIY around their house. When they ask if you want to meet, what they’re really saying is that they need to meet us with you.

They don’t need advice on what they could or should be doing, they need to be told that they’re doing a great job and that you see them. Isn’t that what we all want, to be seen and known for who we are. If you don’t have friends who are able to help then please reach out to me. We can encourage each other. And also remember that the One who created us, SEES us, He KNOWS us and loves us deeply and unconditionally.

Strength to you in these very hard, trying times.

Watch the music video for Truth be Told, by Matthew West

I’ve had a good few weeks, you know those periods in life when the sea is flat and calm, there’s enough of a breeze to keep the sails working and the boat moving forward. The last storm has faded behind you and you feel like you can take a deep breath again. Your knuckles aren’t white from the death grip on the steering wheel. The sun feels warm on your back and you have a deep sense of peace. There’s a tiny niggle telling you not to relax too much, but for now you can ignore it.

You’re the God who makes the giants fall

You bring down the walls of Jericho

You’re the God who gives the miracle

You’re the God who parts the ocean wide

Just to bring us closer to Your side

You’re the God who brings the dead to life

These times are such blessed relief, a time for our souls to recover, a time to remember joy, to fill up again and recover. And fortunately the longer I walk on my journey the longer these times last. A first it was just a day or two, now it can be weeks. I feel like I’m doing things right, I’ve got life under control. I try to be grateful for this space, to remember the good and the healing. I’m also learning to actively remember what these times feel like, to remember the peace and calm and lack of anxiety. Because life is never all smooth sailing. The breeze will pick up and become harder and stronger.

God, how great You are

Great things You have done

For everything we’ve seen

There is more to come

Every victory

Every battle won

For everything we’ve seen

There is more to come

And then I find that I’m starting to hold onto the steering wheel a bit harder again, and my knuckles are turning white. It can be a gradual transition or it can be sudden. For me recently it was a combination of many small things. Each on their own are very manageable, but with time they build up and the pressure and anxiety grows. Again I can cope but I have an uneasy feeling that the waters aren’t so flat anymore. I can’t even name what it is, it’s just a sense of unease. And then something tips the wind into a gale and the storm clouds break right over you. It might be the most insignificant message, comment, email or interaction. Normally you wouldn’t even notice it, but the swells have been growing and suddenly you feel like you’re capsizing.

I’ve had a moment like that recently, I was completely side-swiped by full on grief. If I look back now I can see that life does have many stressors and puts pressure on us. Covid life is inherently stressful, kids at home, no where to go, trying to keep their spirits up and not give into the worries of if or when I’ll get sick, and how bad will it be. And then the proverbial last straw saw me fall to pieces. The emotional pain was devastating, I was surprised by its intensity, I haven’t felt anything like it in a long while. I thought I was making such great progress!

We’re confident in all Your ways

‘Cause we know You never make mistakes

God You fill us with the greater faith

We believe

All I could do was ride out the storm. I felt completely helpless and abandoned. I tried to distract myself, which worked for a bit, and ended up going to bed early just so that the day would end. And I woke up drained but ok. The storm had passed. During the night the wind blew itself out, the clouds dried up and the sea calmed again. I was emotionally drained but knew that for now it was over.

It was a stark reminder that yes I’ve done a lot of healing and I’ve come such a long way, but divorce and grief are very deep wounds. And deep wounds take time to heal. I need to be gentle with myself. Grief is not a linear healing process.

All of our hope in

All of our trust in

All of our future in the God who never fails

As I write this today and look at the lyrics of Kristian Stanfill’s song ‘More to come’ I am encouraged that God never fails us, He is with us in every battle and we do see victory over these storms. They will come at us again and again but we will not capsize. Because there is more to come, better to come. We have hope that with each storm that threatens us, we have healed a bit more. Each time we’re overcome by grief, our hearts are stronger. So today once again the sun is shining, my sunglasses are on, the sea is calm. I’m a little circumspect but I’m grateful for the peace. And grateful that I am never alone, in times of peace and in times of pain, I never walk alone.

Watch the lyric video for Passion’s ‘More to come’

It is so easy to become discouraged in life. It takes one careless word, a random conversation or a ‘well-meaning’ comment to get you doubting what you are doing. I find that it is easy to second-guess myself, and much harder to fully believe that what I do and what I say is worthwhile and important. Even though deep down I do believe that I’m on the right path. The journey of divorce has the potential to cripple you with doubts and uncertainty.

You always finish what You start

You always finish what You start

What You have grown into a garden

You planted in the dark

You always finish what You start

My divorce was finally finalized in court a month ago. A journey of almost 4 years reached another milestone. I wasn’t sure what to expect on the day itself, and found myself very anxious in the week leading up to the date. On the day itself, I ended up remembering the marriage, thinking about the wedding and various events and adventures that we had along the way. It was a day of mourning, and I invited friends to join me in the evening. I didn’t want to be alone, I wanted a distraction as well as a reminder that there was plenty of good still in my life.

A marriage starts with a wedding, a public celebration of the journey that a couple was embarking on. In an ideal world, the marriage would end in a funeral. Again it’s another public commemoration of the marriage, and a recognition of all that has happened. However in a divorce, the marriage ends in a whimper. In my case I wasn’t even there, a judge and a lawyer met on Zoom to end my marriage. It’s quite surreal. I felt that I needed to publicly acknowledge that my marriage had ended, which is why I invited some close friends to be with me. Not as a celebration, but almost as a wake.

Good things just take a little time

Good things just take a little time

Your hands are working in the soil

And bringing me to life

Good things just take a little time

What amazed me was that the next day I felt an overwhelming peace. Because the whole process took so long, I was able to work through so many issues surrounding the break up of my marriage. I have become used to life on my own, and the co-parenting side has settled down. I have been up and down the roller coaster of emotions, and made progress on my own healing. So when the actual divorce happened I was able to close the chapter. And as the chapter closed I knew that another one was about to start, and with it a whole lot of possibilities.

I will trust You in the famine

I will bless You in the feast

When I’m standing in Your victory

When I’m on my knees

I will praise You at the rising

And the setting sun

You’re gonna catch me singing when the spring time comes

One of the things that has kept me going through this journey is the knowledge that the hard times, the darkness, the brokenness, is not the end of the story. A tree in winter that loses its leaves is not dead. In fact it is fully alive and supporting the lives of animals and insects. The winter is a time of rest and recovery. From the outside the tree doesn’t look very healthy, and yet if it didn’t lose it’s leaves it wouldn’t be healthy. The arrival of spring is made known to the world by the new buds, the bright green leaves that begin to grow. Perhaps there are colorful, fragrant blossoms that bloom.

This story has an empty grave

This story has an empty grave

Jesus the process is mystery

But Your promise never fades

This story has an empty grave

We will be walking through the fire

And dancing on the waves

This story has an empty grave

And as it is for the tree, so it is with us. We go through ‘winter’ and hunker down. We need to retreat into ourselves and have time for rest and recovery. It is vital to take a look at ourselves and accept what’s broken, what is hurting, what is making us miserable. And then we need to attend to it. Sometimes it is the retreat that is healing in and of itself. Other times we need to be more intentional in our healing, whether that be through counseling, healthier life habits or a new community.

You’ve been God for a long time

You’re the final word

You’re the finish line

Everything’s gonna be alright

Cause You’ve been God for a long time

For me going through a ‘winter’, I was able to embrace the process because I knew that God ultimately was in control. And as the journey progressed, God showed me again and again that ‘He’s been God for a long time’. And I had to keep the mantra ‘everything’s going to be ok’ in my head. Because if He is God and He is good, then He will bring me to ‘spring’. It might take time, and winter might be dark and lonely, but springtime will come.

Listen/ watch Sean Curran’s song Catch me Singing

2021 greetings to you all. This is a weird New Year, I’m not sure whether to say Happy New Year or ‘Sterkte’ (which is a South African expression of ‘strength in what lies ahead’). Most of us are nervous, anxious for the year that lies ahead. We are desperately hoping it will be better than 2020, but the signs are not looking good so far. I was fortunate to have gotten away on holiday and spend time with family I haven’t seen for a long time. It was so special to reconnect with nephews and their parents, and I came home refreshed, with new energy to face the year. Many weren’t so fortunate, which makes me more aware of my blessings.

There is a light

It burns brighter than the sun

He steals the night

And casts no shadow

There is hope

Should oceans rise and mountains fall

He never fails

Over the Christmas season I was reflecting on my journey of the last 3 years and I was celebrating how far I had come. I was able to enjoy Christmas without too much of a shadow. I was able to be present in family interactions without feeling the gap that has been ever present the last few years. I experienced a new sense of confidence and a peace within myself which can only come from the One who gives us peace which passes understanding. It felt like my journey was behind me, even though I knew that there would likely be little bumps in the road ahead.

Then January arrived, and with it came a number of triggers. Without even being aware of it, I was drawn far back into my pain and betrayal. I’ve been out of sorts, irritable, discontent and angry. One event felt like a well of hurt inside had been punctured, and a stream of venom came spewing out. I was taken aback by the strength of the emotion I was feeling. Shocked by its intensity.

So take heart

Let His love lead us through the night

Hold on to hope

And take courage again

I’ve been reading Lysa Terkuerst’s book ‘How to forgive what you can’t forget’. I had been patting myself on my back for how well I was doing. I was clearly making progress in forgiving my ex and various other people.

And then I was brought short by the realization that maybe I wasn’t doing as well as I thought I was. Another incident left me curled up on my bed in terror that I had to walk my journey again. It took a lot of processing and self talk to bring myself down from that anxiety.

In death by love

The fallen world was overcome

He wears the scars of our freedom

In His Name

All our fears are swept away

He never fails

I have also heard of a few other couples who had recently separated, and my heart broke for them. Knowing what the road out of a broken marriage holds I could only pray for mercy. I wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone. And yet…

What I have learnt has been life changing. God has not only walked beside me, but He carried me too. What I have experienced has changed me forever. I do not doubt His love for me, for all of us. I do not doubt that I am ever alone. I do not doubt that He is above all, over all and in all.

All our troubles

And all our tears

God our hope

He has overcome

All our failure

And all our fear

God our love

He has overcome

So where do I stand? I was feeling so positive and hopeful, then found myself being tossed around by memories. The ever present stress of the pandemic lurking, feeing like it’s creeping closer and closer drives an underlying anxiety. I have been feeling despair crawl closer, and my anxiety growing. So I stopped to look back. And by looking back, I am reminded that I have just experienced a hiccup. I do not have to walk the journey again, I’ve already done the work. I need to look back and remember what I’ve learned, remember where God is and what He’s done. And then I need to look Up.

All our heartache

And all our pain

God our healer

He has overcome

All our burdens

And all our shame

God our freedom

He has overcome

Only God knows what the year holds and how we will get through. We’re almost becoming used to the uncertainty of what next week will be like. And the general levels of anxiety are taking their toll on all of us. Will my family be spared? Am I being careful enough? So I’m reminding myself now to stop and look Up. I am not alone and I do not need to fear the unknown. I do not need to fear a huge regression. I do need to trust in the One who holds me safely in His palm. So Take Heart. He has overcome it all.

God our justice

God our grace

God our freedom

He has overcome

God our refuge

God our strength

God is with us

He has overcome

Today’s song is ‘Take Heart’ by Hillsong and is so appropriate for the times that we find ourselves in.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Kt1dagvzCfE

https://music.apple.com/za/album/take-heart-mmxx/1540265265?i=1540265273

We all know about problems or circumstances that seem or feel overwhelming. You feel that it would be easier to give up than to try and find a way through. The sense of helplessness and despair can be so powerful and paralyzing. These are the ‘giants’ in our lives. They come in different forms but often the feeing that they evoke in us is the same.

Dark sleeps like a monster under my bed

When fear dances round and round in my head

For every single time I thought I was dead

You were with me

In the valley

You were with me

There have been a few times in my life when I’ve come up against giants. I’ve been through dark depression and more recently the break up of my marriage. I have had times where I feel like I can’t go on, I don’t know how to take the next step, I wasn’t sure how I would survive the overwhelming emotions surging through me. The future seemed like a black empty void, more of the same despair and utter sadness.

So much of the world around us tells us to escape, avoid, distract ourselves from what we are really facing. The thought of dealing with our pain really seems impossible, it would be easier to dive into work, start a new relationship, become obsessed with a new hobby than it would be to face our pain head on. I’ve read so many books and seen so many TV shows and movies where the heros and heroines choose to deny a problem, ignore it, bury it deep down and hope that it goes away. And it may seem to work for a while, but then the problem comes back even greater than before. The giant has grown into a huge mountain which seems even more impossible to overcome.

You’re with me in the fire

Strong and never tired

I can run at the giant

How can I deny it?

I’m no longer hiding

I can run at the giant

The key to facing these giants is in today’s song by Jack Cassidy. We need to run at the giant, and we can do that because God is always with us, with us in the valley and in the fire. I’ve reached a stage in my journey where I can look back and see all that I have overcome. I know there was so much pain and anger, the betrayal cut deep. But those emotions don’t take up so much space any more. The overwhelming emotions are no longer overwhelming.

When every doubt that I’ve had sits on my shoulders

You’re the voice that whispers over and over

I am with You before the fight

And after it’s over

You are with me

In the valley

You are with me

Even then

When someone asks me how I am, it’s not my broken marriage that is top of mind anymore. And oh! what freedom. I am still working through my grief and I have times when it resurfaces. But because I have walked through the earlier pain, I can hold my grief lightly. I recognize it for what it is. I acknowledge the moment and the emotions I’m feeling, and I allow myself the moment to grieve. It may take a day or a week or more. But I know that it will pass. The emotions and pain will not overwhelm me. And in between those moments of grief, my new life is emerging. I have grown stronger, and come to know myself better and I (mostly) like what I see.

How can I deny it?

I’m no longer hiding

I can run at the giant

I can face my Goliath

There are so many things that I have experienced and learned over the past few years. But the one thing that has helped me the most, has been knowing that I have never truly been alone. Yes, fighting my giant has been something that only I could do. No one else could shoulder my burden, I had to walk through the fire. I had a lot of support from dear friends and family but at the end of the day the journey was mine alone. And there were times that the burdens were too heavy, the journey was so lonely. But as I look back now, I wasn’t ever truly alone.

You are truth to the liar

In the chaos You are quiet

How You raised up a fighter

Now I’m running at the giant

There were a few significant moments when I felt God’s presence very strongly, but often I didn’t feel Him particularly nearby. I can see now how He was always there. I can’t necessarily explain it, but I just knew that He was always there, forging ahead of me, comforting and strengthening me. I’m not sure how I managed some days, but I did. And slowly the bad days became fewer and the good days increased. I slowly started to feel less overwhelmed and more of a fighter. As I read somewhere, I’ve survived 100% of my bad days. Sometimes surviving meant my bloody finger nails desperately hanging onto the edge of a cliff, but I survived. Every time I made it through a bad day, it made it just a little easier to get through then next bad day. I probably didn’t think so at the time but I can see it now. And now I know deep within me that I will survive the bad days to come.

To those who are facing a giant I say ‘be brave’. Go into the fight. It might be bloody and exhausting, but once you experience the victory it makes the battle completely worth it. To those who are in the middle of the fight I say ‘be strong, hang in there, don’t give up’. You will be victorious if you keep at it. Rely on the strength that only God can give. When you feel so alone, be reassured that you aren’t on your own. One day you will look back and see all that you overcame. The journey will bring you a new and better life. And it’s not me making those promises, it’s God. It’s in the Bible, it’s in everything that He has shown us.

Take heart.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=q0dOlh4texw

https://music.apple.com/za/album/run-at-the-giant/1526436718?i=1526436719

I was listening to the song ‘Peace, be still’ sung by Hope Darst and I was taken back to a couple of years ago, when I separated from my husband. Suddenly I was a single mom, and dealing with the fallout of his affair. As I listened to the song I became more aware that when we hear really bad news, amongst the many emotions we’re feeling, there is a deep fear- life is no longer as it should be. I was terrified about what I had to face, what I had to deal with and would I be able to cope.

I don’t want to be afraid

Every time I face the waves

I don’t want to be afraid

I don’t want to be afraid

I don’t want to fear the storm

Just because I hear the roar

I don’t want to fear the storm

I don’t want to fear the storm

I imagine that this feeling of terror is felt by any one experiencing loss of some kind, whether loss to death, loss of health, or loss of a dream or expectations, or of the future you had planned. For me the loss of my marriage meant a loss of a partner, a best friend, a future that I had expected, a lifestyle I was used to, a co-parent that I was in sync with. And I was terrified. Above all the losses, I also knew that I was going to have to deal with a depth of pain that I had never experienced before. All in all I was completely overwhelmed.

Peace be still

Say the word and I will

Set my feet upon the sea

Till I’m dancing in the deep

Oh peace be still

You are here so it is well

Even when my eyes can’t see

I will trust the voice that speaks

At the time I knew that all I had to do was just take one step at a time, not look too far into the future, and trust that I wasn’t alone in this journey. And I can look back now and see that I was never alone, through the pain, anger, disbelief, fear, resentment and being overwhelmed. Although I was terrified of what was to come, I can now see that I never fell beneath the waves, I didn’t drown even though I may have felt like I would. I was supported, comforted and guided by the only One who can truly walk with us.

I’m not gonna be afraid

‘Cause these waves are only waves

I’m not gonna be afraid

I’m not gonna be afraid

I’m not gonna fear the storm

You are greater than it’s roar

I’m not gonna fear the storm

I’m not gonna fear at all

I would never wish that journey on anyone, but I have learned things I never would have learned otherwise. I have experienced God in a way that I wouldn’t have otherwise and I have come to know that what He says is the truth. I am still on a journey of healing and acceptance, and I still have moments of pain and anger. But what I don’t have anymore is the fear. Through seeing how close God has been with me, I know that I don’t need to fear the storm anymore, the waves won’t overcome me.

Peace be still

Say the word and I will

Set my feet upon the sea

Till I’m dancing in the deep

Peace be still

You are here so it is well

Even when my eyes can’t see

I will trust the voice that speaks

Peace, peace

If you are in that terrified place right now, I wish I could reach out and give you a hug, and tell you that you are not alone. You are not alone on the journey that you face, and you will be OK. In the middle of the storm when you’re gasping for air, you are not alone. You won’t drown, you will find dry land again, you will be ok. And because of the journey that you are on, your life will be richer and more beautiful. Your journey will change you for the better and you will experience Him in a way you never have before. As long as you allow Him in, you will never be alone.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/peace-be-still/1522453688?i=1522453697

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lsIpGiz3SfQ

There are so many memes about 2020, many of them talking about how long the year has been. And I totally get them. It is almost unfathomable how much has happened in 6 months. Our world has been rocked, shaken to its core in some ways. And troubles have been truly global, everyone across the world has been faced with a pandemic with not many answers.

Finally found the kind of man who stays

Like he promised, like he said on that day

There’s never been a sweeter love I’ve known

When I left him, he never left me alone

Nothing can separate me from amazing grace

Jesus, you’re all that I need

If everything falls apart and I don’t know where to start

You bring me back to my knees

‘Cause you’re good

And a God who’s got me

Personally this year has continued with the challenges of the past few years. When I heard the first line of this song, “Finally found the kind of man who stays” I was blown away. Because I thought I had that kind of man, I thought that was who I had married. But it turns out he wasn’t. He did’t stay. And the last couple of years have been one hell of a roller coaster ride. But what also struck me about the song was how I could relate to it. When everything fell apart, and I didn’t know where to start, God put me back on my feet.

When I was stuck inside my sin and shame

You pursued me though I spit in your face

Nothing I could ever do to change

‘Til you change me (’til you came), ’til you died in my place

The benefit of being a few years down a painful road is looking back at where I’ve come from. God truly has been faithful over and over and over again. One of the recent challenges that I have been facing is financial. Things have been really tight. The last week of every month has become a really stressful one where I’m just hoping to make it until payday. Trying not to show the kids my stress. Trying to remind myself that God is actually looking after us, but feeling so vulnerable when there is nothing in the bank. Then payday comes and I can breathe again. But God has brought in money from strange places to ease the stress. We have always got enough food to eat. Lockdown has meant that I don’t need nearly as much petrol as before. Homemade pizzas and burgers work just as well as takeaways.

Nothing can separate me from amazing grace

Jesus, you’re all that I need

If everything falls apart and I don’t know where to start

You bring me back to my knees

‘Cause you’re good

And a God who’s got me

Who’s got me

The relief of answered prayer makes me so grateful. And the more I’m grateful, the more that I realize just how much I have. God has got me. My kids have been phenomenal during this lockdown. Sure they’ve been stressed, but I believe we’ve also been able to bond more. My life slowed down so much that for the first time in years I’m not tired all the time. My work has remained a constant, and working from home has been a blessing. Through all the challenges and stresses, God comes through again and again and again.

So while your difficulties may not be like mine, know that God has got you. When life brings us to our knees, when the rug is pulled from underneath us, know that God is good. He is all that we really need. And He’s got you.

Got Me by Gaby Barrett

https://music.apple.com/za/album/got-me-feat-shane-shane/1510409258?i=1510409283

With all the craziness surrounding the Coronavirus pandemic, I’ve been taken back to my blog posts. I think a lot of what I learned on my journey last year is still so relevant. So I’ve taken the original post and updated it a bit. I hope that you find some resonance and encouragement here.

Have you heard the story of the Israelites marching around the walls of Jericho? God had promised them victory over Jericho but all He told them to do was to march in silence around the city walls once a day for 6 days. On the 7th day they were to march 7 times around the city, blowing their trumpets and making a noise on their final march. In my mind this all seems like a lot of marching and not much ‘doing’ to win a battle. But Joshua and the Israelites were obedient and sure enough the walls of the city collapsed and the city was defeated (you can read the full story in the Bible in Joshua 6:1-24).

I can just imagine some of the soldiers and officers wondering if Joshua was off his rocker! How do you win a battle by walking in circles? In our current situation of a 21 day lockdown (government imposed here in South Africa) this feels very apt. I’m sure many of us stuck inside our homes can relate to the soldiers wondering if this is all actually a pointless exercise, there certainly doesn’t seem to be any progress. Enter today’s song ‘Do it again’ by Elevation worship.

Walking around these walls
I thought by now they’d fall
But You have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle’s won
For You have never failed me yet

I hear that line ‘but you have never failed me yet’ and I know that I have to have hope, I need to hold onto hope even when it feels hopeless.

Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You’ve never failed me yet

I find myself looking back on my life and remembering the many ways and many occasions when God has been faithful. There have been big things and small things but God really has been very present in all sorts of ways. One of these was when my (now ex) husband felt called to start his own business. It was a long process of listening to God and talking to friends and colleagues. We had just had our second child, I wasn’t working and he needed to resign from his job which was the only source of income sustaining our family. But I felt complete peace about it all and I knew that God was in it. He did resign and start the new company.  Every time our bank account dwindled down to zero, an invoice was paid and a contract would be won. This happened with enough regularity that I just knew that God was keeping his promise to us. We were trying to be obedient to Him and he was looking after us in very practical ways.

Similarly in South Africa in the early 1990’s when the country was on the verge of a civil war, God made a way through the conflict to bring peaceful elections, heralding a new age for our country. There are many stories of God using people in various situations to allow the elections to take place, instead of the carnage that a civil war would have brought.

I’ve seen You move, You move the mountains
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again

I have seen some mountains be moved and so I need to keep trusting God even when it feels like I’m just walking around in circles. I think many of us share anxieties around getting sick. We may even more have economic worries, will I still have a job when this is over? How will I cover expenses when I’m not getting paid. There are worries for loved ones whom we can’t visit or care for. There are worries over education and the ramifications of schools and universities being closed for a period. There are worries about being able to buy what we need when we need it.

I know the night won’t last
Your Word will come to pass
My heart will sing Your praise again
Jesus, You’re still enough
Keep me within Your love
My heart will sing Your praise again

For now I need to remember that this ‘night won’t last’. Thank goodness, because it has been really hard and there are times when I’m not sure how much more I can take. And in those moments I try to remind myself that Jesus is still enough for me, and I ask Him to keep me and remind me that I am in His love. He is still in control and He will be faithful. Thank goodness for that!

Watch Elevation Worship perform Do It Again