It is so easy to become discouraged in life. It takes one careless word, a random conversation or a ‘well-meaning’ comment to get you doubting what you are doing. I find that it is easy to second-guess myself, and much harder to fully believe that what I do and what I say is worthwhile and important. Even though deep down I do believe that I’m on the right path. The journey of divorce has the potential to cripple you with doubts and uncertainty.
You always finish what You start
You always finish what You start
What You have grown into a garden
You planted in the dark
You always finish what You start
My divorce was finally finalized in court a month ago. A journey of almost 4 years reached another milestone. I wasn’t sure what to expect on the day itself, and found myself very anxious in the week leading up to the date. On the day itself, I ended up remembering the marriage, thinking about the wedding and various events and adventures that we had along the way. It was a day of mourning, and I invited friends to join me in the evening. I didn’t want to be alone, I wanted a distraction as well as a reminder that there was plenty of good still in my life.
A marriage starts with a wedding, a public celebration of the journey that a couple was embarking on. In an ideal world, the marriage would end in a funeral. Again it’s another public commemoration of the marriage, and a recognition of all that has happened. However in a divorce, the marriage ends in a whimper. In my case I wasn’t even there, a judge and a lawyer met on Zoom to end my marriage. It’s quite surreal. I felt that I needed to publicly acknowledge that my marriage had ended, which is why I invited some close friends to be with me. Not as a celebration, but almost as a wake.
Good things just take a little time
Good things just take a little time
Your hands are working in the soil
And bringing me to life
Good things just take a little time
What amazed me was that the next day I felt an overwhelming peace. Because the whole process took so long, I was able to work through so many issues surrounding the break up of my marriage. I have become used to life on my own, and the co-parenting side has settled down. I have been up and down the roller coaster of emotions, and made progress on my own healing. So when the actual divorce happened I was able to close the chapter. And as the chapter closed I knew that another one was about to start, and with it a whole lot of possibilities.
I will trust You in the famine
I will bless You in the feast
When I’m standing in Your victory
When I’m on my knees
I will praise You at the rising
And the setting sun
You’re gonna catch me singing when the spring time comes
One of the things that has kept me going through this journey is the knowledge that the hard times, the darkness, the brokenness, is not the end of the story. A tree in winter that loses its leaves is not dead. In fact it is fully alive and supporting the lives of animals and insects. The winter is a time of rest and recovery. From the outside the tree doesn’t look very healthy, and yet if it didn’t lose it’s leaves it wouldn’t be healthy. The arrival of spring is made known to the world by the new buds, the bright green leaves that begin to grow. Perhaps there are colorful, fragrant blossoms that bloom.
This story has an empty grave
This story has an empty grave
Jesus the process is mystery
But Your promise never fades
This story has an empty grave
We will be walking through the fire
And dancing on the waves
This story has an empty grave
And as it is for the tree, so it is with us. We go through ‘winter’ and hunker down. We need to retreat into ourselves and have time for rest and recovery. It is vital to take a look at ourselves and accept what’s broken, what is hurting, what is making us miserable. And then we need to attend to it. Sometimes it is the retreat that is healing in and of itself. Other times we need to be more intentional in our healing, whether that be through counseling, healthier life habits or a new community.
You’ve been God for a long time
You’re the final word
You’re the finish line
Everything’s gonna be alright
Cause You’ve been God for a long time
For me going through a ‘winter’, I was able to embrace the process because I knew that God ultimately was in control. And as the journey progressed, God showed me again and again that ‘He’s been God for a long time’. And I had to keep the mantra ‘everything’s going to be ok’ in my head. Because if He is God and He is good, then He will bring me to ‘spring’. It might take time, and winter might be dark and lonely, but springtime will come.
My Song in the Night 