It’s ok to cheat

It’s ok to flirt with your married boss. It’s ok to make your married colleague feel special and desired. It’s ok to feel like your marriage is struggling, like it’s stale and that you deserve more in life. It’s ok to feel like it’s time to put yourself first, after all you have been so selfless for so many years.

It’s ok to leave your wife of 15 years. It’s ok to leave your husband of 7 years. It’s ok for the kids too. After all kids are resilient aren’t they!! It’s ok to get your boss to leave his wife or her husband. Isn’t your happiness what’s most important! If it’s true love then that makes it all ok. It makes it ok to destroy a family. It makes it ok for kids to have only one parent or the other, never both at the same time. It’s ok to no longer have family holidays or family celebrations. It’s ok for the kids to have 2 Christmas’s after all. And who needs both mom and dad at their birthday party!

It’s ok that it’s awkward at prizegivings and award ceremonies to have mom and dad there, and maybe their partners too. It’s ok that it’s uncomfortable for the kids as they are worried about their parents fighting in public. It’s ok to have photos with either mom or dad but not both. It’s ok at weddings for kids to see their mom or dad get remarried. It’s ok that they may be dying inside but they don’t want to upset mom or dad so they will go to the wedding and put on a big smile.

It’s ok that a relationship built on distrust and brokenness will probably not last. After all, the kids are used to it by now!! New step siblings are easy to get used to. Seeing mom or dad have more children is ok too! It’s not weird at all!

It’s ok to destroy hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Because your happiness must take priority. It’s ok because it’s complicated. It’s ok because it’s true love! Life isn’t simple, it isn’t easy, which makes this all ok. It’s ok to break up friendships and communities. At the end of the day, life is all about looking after number one. Friends have their place but not if they get in the way of my happiness and my freedom.

It may be ok, and you will always find someone to tell you that it is.

But it’s not ok. Because happiness is transient, it doesn’t last. Relationships not built on firm foundations are shaky. A life built on the destruction of a marriage, of a family is never carefree and innocent, is hard to celebrate.

But those who you left behind, who you hurt the most will, hopefully, be ok. The devastation of betrayal will hopefully pass, establishing a new life, one they never asked for will take time. They have probably lost access to finances, to long term savings, to a lifestyle that they had worked hard for but now is no more. They have lost their best friend, their ‘person’, their partner in life. Used to dealing with problems and challenges as part of a team, now they need to forge through life alone. The cold empty bed is something they will get used to, in time.

It will take a long time, but once they have got over the rejection by their life partner, once they have grieved the deep loss of their marriage, of their lover, of their friend, of their hopes and dreams for the future, of their way of life, once they have processed this, then they will be ok. They will walk away stronger, more ok with who they are. Once the deep wounds have healed, they will be able to move on and find a new life, and maybe a new love. But always, in the back of their mind, they will know that they didn’t ask for this journey. They have dealt with the fallout of someone else’s selfishness. They have paid the very steep cost for someone else’s careless decisions.

But you will always know that you were the one who started the destruction. You may be forgiven, but you will carry the deep regrets of breaking up a family forever. You will know that children have grown up in a broken home because of you. Children who will never again have an easy, uncomplicated relationship with one or both of their parents. Children, who always yearn for stability and love, will doubt the love of one, or both of their parents.

But these children will be ok, hopefully. They may be stronger for their hardships, or they may perpetuate the cycle of relationship devastation. Only time will tell.

But I guess as long as you are ok and happy, then the rest of it doesn’t matter so much. Does it?

Boldly I approach

I haven’t written for a while for various reasons. One being that I had found myself deep in a place of anger and bitterness. I wondered how I would ever be able to climb out of the pit that I had found myself in. While feeling like my anger was justified, I really struggled with how I was going to overcome the place that I was starting to feel stuck in. Today’s song is one of the most powerful songs that I have recently discovered. It’s called ‘Boldly I Approach’ and it’s by Rend Collective. Do yourself a favor and listen to the song, immersing yourself in the lyrics.

By grace alone somehow I stand

Where even angels fear to tread

Invited by redeeming love

Before the throne of God above

He pulls me close with nail-scarred hands

Into His everlasting arms

Last weekend I went on the After the Affair retreat that I mentioned a while back. While I was hoping for some encounter with God, and to experience some healing, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I had to share my story, which I was happy to do. I also wasn’t sure what to expect of the others who would be there. But my expectations were blown out of the water. It felt like God had handpicked the group of people who came. Each person had so much to offer both in sharing our journeys and challenging our perspectives. And God worked in His mysterious ways. Through the talks that were given, times of worship, meal times and times of rest, I know that I came away changed and several steps further on my journey to healing.

When condemnation grips my heart

And Satan tempts me to despair

I hear the voice that scatters fear

The Great I Am the Lord is here

Oh praise the One who fights for me

And shields my soul eternally

Forgiveness has been a subject that I know I have needed to address, but just wasn’t sure how I was going to manage it. The anger and bitterness in my heart kept persuading me that I didn’t need to forgive now, it would happen later in my journey. So much of the journey of betrayal focuses on the wrong that has been done to you. And there is no denying that cheating on your partner should never happen. But on this weekend, I had to come face to face with the fact that I too am a sinner. Sure I didn’t cheat, I tried to fight for my marriage and my family, but at the end of the day none of us are perfect. All of us have failings and make mistakes. All of us need to be forgiven for something. Today’s song is an amazing reminder that we are forgiven, and we are able to stand blameless. But if we are forgiven, then we too need to forgive.

This is the really hard part, and one that is unfortunately unavoidable. It felt like I was hit over the head on the weekend during a talk on forgiveness. Every single person is worthy of God and worthy of forgiveness, regardless of what they have done. I don’t write this easily. I have been unable to talk about the 3rd person in our marriage and I have not been able to see her as a person who is deserving of love. But I was faced on the weekend by someone who had been the 3rd party. She was loveable and likable. Yes, she had shown remorse and carries around the regrets of her actions. And so is the 3rd party in my situation worthy of love and forgiveness. It was so clear that God was telling me to forgive both my husband and the other woman. It was also clear that forgiveness is not an emotional decision but one of the will. The last thing that I wanted to do was to forgive both of them, but I knew absolutely that I had to.

Boldly I approach Your throne

Blameless now I’m running home

By Your blood I come

Welcomed as Your own

Into the arms of majesty

Just by forgiving them does not mean that everything is forgotten and life returns to normal. There are consequences to everything we do, and these remain. But for me forgiveness releases me from bitterness and resentment. I know that I will need to forgive them over and over again. But I walked away from the weekend having offloaded the baggage that I had been dragging around. My soul felt lighter, relieved of the burden of anger and despair. I wondered how I would feel when I went about every day life, would this feeling of ‘lightness’ last? Well, I’m a week down the line and I can say that I haven’t picked up the bitterness again. The details of my life haven’t changed, and life is still hard and not what I would have chosen, but I’m no longer drowning in the unfairness of it all. I feel more acceptance and peace about where I am.

Behold the bright and risen Son

More beauty than this world has known

I’m face to face with Love Himself

His perfect spotless righteousness

A thousand years, a thousand tongues

Are not enough to sing His praise

I feel like I have turned a corner. I know that there are still many ups and downs to encounter. I know that I will still be faced with anger and resentment, but I know that now I have a choice in how I deal with it. Saying all this, I need to say that it has been essential that I have faced the pain of the betrayal. If I hadn’t mourned what I had lost and acknowledged all that had happened, I don’t believe that I would be able to heal properly. I am also convinced that God’s grace has been essential in healing. Jesus showed us how to forgive ourselves and others. He showed us how to rely on God, to depend on Him through the darkest times. He also showed us that death is not the end and that darkness will not triumph.

This is the art of celebration

Knowing we’re free from condemnation

Oh praise the One, praise the One

Who made an end to all my sin

I’m writing all this against a backdrop of unease within my country. We have had violent protests stemming from continued unemployment and poverty. Violence against women and children has been relentless and people are starting to stand up against it. So much of the situation in our land feels helpless and unsustainable, and lack of leadership is leading to intense frustration. Yet having seen how God has worked in my life, how He has been real and present to me, how He has guided my on a journey of healing and forgiveness, I am convinced that He can and will heal our land. As He did with Jericho, with the Israelites crossing the Dead Sea and again crossing the Jordan river, as He did with Daniel in the Lions den, with David and Goliath, as Jesus did with raising the dead and healing the sick, so too He can for us.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/boldly-i-approach-the-art-of-celebration/820869995?i=820870021

Watch the lyric video for Boldly I Approach by Rend Collective

Blessings

I sometimes wonder if the way we see the world is upside down. As I’ve said before, I believe that our western culture is overly focused on the value of the individual. We prioritize self above all others, and we can see where this has led us. The environmental crisis facing us didn’t happen by chance. It evolved through man’s selfishness and determination to put the needs of ‘self’ above the needs of others. It is easy to demonize big corporates and governments, pointing fingers at them as both the creators of the crisis, and the parties who could make the most impact on resolving global warming. Don’t get me wrong, I agree that corporates and governments have a huge responsibility to correct the damage of the past. But let’s look at ourselves too. In our own communities, how much do we prioritize our own needs above the needs of our schools, workplaces, churches, friendship groups, families, spouses etc. And when we are so focused on ourselves, when we do encounter suffering it often feels like a personal affront. Today’s song is a challenging one by Laura Story, called Blessings.

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

I am speaking for myself here when I say that most of my prayers are for and about myself. I am looking for ways to make my life more comfortable and stable. I’m so often asking for my discomfort to be eased, for challenging times to pass quickly. Suffering is uncomfortable, painful and disconcerting. Pain is something that we avoid at all costs. But metal can only be freed of impurities in a furnace, clay can only be baked in an oven. After a veld fire, the new growth is so much greener and sweeter than the grass that was there before.

What if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

One thing that I know to be true, is that I am so much closer to God now than I have ever been before. And it is because of my suffering. In the good times we don’t need God so much. We sometimes remember to be grateful for our blessings, but our prayers aren’t born out of sheer desperation. It is in the darkest night that feels endless, that we realize that we cannot make it on our own. We are faced with our own failures, weaknesses and mortality. We question our existence and purpose. All our bravado and ego gets stripped away and we come face to face with our true selves and our Maker. And when we see Him crying with us, holding us and loving us because of our faults, we can start to fathom how deep that love is.

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we’d have faith to believe

The ‘why me’ question is often the first on our lips when something bad happens in our lives. ‘How can a good God allow such bad things to happen?’ we cry. I’m not going to even attempt to enter that debate. Instead I’d like to offer an alternative view. Edith Eger in her book ‘The Choice’, says that instead of asking ‘why me’, the question should be ‘why not me’. Why does someone else deserve suffering but I don’t? Why do I deserve a pain free life? The answer is that I don’t. Jesus never promised us a life without suffering, in fact he says ‘when you encounter suffering…’. It will happen to all of us, in different ways and at different times. But it will happen. And I’d like to suggest that we reframe our questions. Instead of being horrified that it happened to me, perhaps we could be asking what we can learn from the suffering, how will we grow, what is God going to reveal to me during this dark time.

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not our home

I certainly am not suggesting that we won’t feel pain and desperation, because we will. But that is the way in which we will grow, in which God will break into our lives which are so filled with busyness. In my times of deepest distress, I have heard God’s gentle whisper. In those times when I’m just not sure how to carry on, I have felt an overwhelming peace and comfort. I have seen God answer prayers over and over and over again. The more that I have relied on Him, the more He comes though for me time and again.

I was just reflecting on one of the decisions that I had to make during the period of time after finding out about my husband’s affair and before we separated. Even now I can look back and recognize that that particular decision was right. If I had gone with the advice of others, I don’t believe that I would have the peace that I have now, that I did everything that I could to try fight for our marriage. Which means I don’t have regrets about that period of time.

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

I will never wish for suffering, or voluntarily chose pain. And I don’t wish for suffering for others. But during the past two years I have been so aware that God has a purpose in my suffering. I’m not sure what that purpose it, but it is a comfort because I’m not walking through this alone. And I’m not going through this pain for no reason. I don’t believe that God inflicts suffering on us, but I do believe that He will use each and every tear if we let Him. If we turn ourselves towards Him, we will see His mercies in new ways. We will see just how much love He has for us in the grace that He shows us every day.

I don’t wish for suffering, but I am grateful for what it has brought into my life and how I have been changed, hopefully for the better.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/blessings/880693002?i=880693008

Watch the lyric video for Blessings by Laura Story

Listen to the My Song in the Night playlist, featuring songs from the blog

https://music.apple.com/za/playlist/my-song-in-the-night/pl.u-gxblMR7txxMyzv

God only knows

Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin’

Too afraid of what might show up while you’re dreamin’

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you

Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you

Every day you try to pick up all the pieces

All the memories, they somehow never leave you

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you

Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you

One of the hardest things about going through a tough time is the loneliness. As much as people give support and love, you are the only one who can walk the road that you are on. I have amazing friends who have been an incredible support, and I thank God for them everyday. I have a group of people who pray for me and the kids, and I am so grateful to be able to send them messages to pray for something specific. But as supportive as they are, I still need to wake up everyday and face whatever the day brings. The song today is ‘God only knows’ by For King and Country.

God only knows what you’ve been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows how it’s killing you

But there’s a kind of love that God only knows

God only knows what you’ve been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows the real you

There’s a kind of love that God only knows

What has surprised me over and over in the last 2 years has been how God turns up when I need Him most. I know intellectually that He is with me all the time, but there is a big difference between head knowledge and heart awareness. There have been a number of times when I’ve been in such emotional pain that I have cried out in despair. I couldn’t have even put words to what I was feeling and I’d call out to God. Sometimes I would shout a loud ‘WHY’. Or it was a cry of desperation, a plea for relief from what I was feeling. There was usually a lot of anger. I didn’t know before this experience that acute emotional pain is as real as physical pain. But every time I was in that dark place, I would feel a deep presence, a comfort and reassurance. Once I had cried and released the pain, I would be filled with peace.

You keep a cover over every single secret

So afraid if someone saw them they would leave

But somebody, somebody, somebody sees you

Somebody, somebody will never leave you

I just knew that God saw me, God cried with me and He knew exactly what I was feeling. I couldn’t hide from Him or pretend that everything was ok. And as I’ve experienced Him in such a tangible way, I have realised that I don’t want to hide from Him any more. I also felt His guidance more clearly than I have ever felt it before. I couldn’t explain my actions other than I had a deep sense of when the time came to make a decision. Over and over when I had people suggesting I do one thing or the other, I knew that I would know when the time was right.

I can typically be pretty hard on myself and judge my thoughts and actions very harshly. I’ve had a few people question my situation and ask me if I couldn’t have done more or tried harder to save the marriage. But because I have experienced God over and over, and because I know that He knows me, I have found myself more sure of what I’ve done. I’ve been gentle with myself and learned to trust my decisions. I have been reassured that there is nothing more that I could have done.

Oh for the lonely, for the ashamed

The misunderstood, and the ones to blame

What if we could start over

We could start over

‘Cause there’s a kind of love that God only knows

For people looking at your situation, it may seem like the decisions are easy and obvious. But for you, it is not so simple. Once again God is the only one who really sees where you are, what is in your heart. And I want to encourage you to lean into Him. God only knows what you’re going through, God only knows the real you. And He loves you. I have allowed people to love and support me, and I have gratefully leaned on my friends. But I also have to lean on God because ultimately it comes down to Him and me.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/god-only-knows/1398353335?i=1398353598

Watch the music video for God Only Knows by For King and Country

Sinking Deep

The phrase ‘sinking deep’ conjures up a few images. There’s the image of falling into soft, gentle comfort like a bed, a bean bag or a giant hug. That image elicits feelings of warmth and reassurance. There is also sinking deep into a swamp, where your feet get trapped and you slowly start sinking lower and lower. This image can inspire fear and anxiety. Today’s song is also called ‘Sinking Deep’, by Hillsong and I chose it because it was relevant to me on a number of levels.

Standing here in Your presence

In a grace so relentless

I am won

By perfect love

Wrapped within the arms of heaven

In a peace that lasts forever

Sinking deep

In mercy’s sea

One of the realisations that I’ve had on this journey that I’m on, is that grief and heartbreak happen on many levels. Like an onion, layers are peeled back one at a time. As time moves on, I can feel the hurt in new ways. I’m ‘sinking deep’ into my new reality. As I encounter new ‘firsts’, so I have reminders of the way things were and will never be again. Sometimes it feels like many small stabs to the heart. Each time I have to reassure and comfort the kids, each time I have to step up to the plate where before my husband would have done so, every environment I’m in where he would have been with me before, are all reminders that life has irrevocably changed.

I’m wide awake

Drawing close

Stirred by grace

And all my heart is Yours

All fear removed

I breathe You in

I lean into Your love

Oh, Your love

I’ve recently been on holiday with the kids and some friends. We went to the coast and had a wonderful time, lots of time spent on the beach and swimming in the sea, even though it’s winter here. I love the ocean, my soul finds peace just staring out at the waves. But even though it was a great holiday, it was hard and I came back feeing sad and heavy. Thinking over why I felt like this, I realised that I had been holding myself together to make sure that the kids had fun. I had to drive further than I’ve ever had to on my own, and assume responsibility for the family where before that responsibility was shared. I was really proud of myself for handling everything that came my way with ease. But underneath I was angry and hurt that I was having to do it on my own. It just doesn’t feel fair. This anger was starting to become all consuming until I got into bed one night and started journaling my feelings. I turned on my music and the song Sinking Deep came on. I had a strong realization that now I needed to sink deep into God. I needed to let out the anger and then let it go. I needed to sink into the comfort that God longs to give me.

When I’m lost You pursue me

Lift my head to see Your glory

Lord of all

So beautiful

Here in You I find shelter

Captivated by the splendor

Of Your face

My secret place

It was amazing how much peace I got when I let go and focused on God again. I was able to lean into His love. I played this song on repeat and just imagined myself wrapped in His arms, sheltered by His grace and peace. I was able to put down the heaviness I was hauling around. Once again I was reminded that when my eyes focus on my pain, the pain seems to increase and take over. When I focus on God, it doesn’t diminish the pain but I’m reminded that I can get through this, that this pain isn’t going to last forever.

Love so deep

Is washing over me

Your face is all I seek

You are my everything

Jesus Christ

You are my one desire

Lord hear my only cry

To know You all my life

I want to encourage you to let out and let go of what is worrying you, of the pain and anger and frustrations that you are carrying around. God completely understands them, and He longs to offer you His comfort and peace. When life is overwhelming and you are wondering how you will keep going, that is when we need to sink deep into God and allow his peace and grace to surround us, fill us, confort us and re-energize us.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/sinking-deep-live/692897617?i=692898251

Watch the lyric video for Sinking Deep by Hillsong Young and Free

I’m done chasing feelings

I’ve recently read a few articles on Facebook that really resonated with me. They were about adultery, a subject close to my heart at the moment. They were both really challenging, and for those who have been married for a while, well worth a read. It is so easy to let certain behaviors creep into our lives, and we find it so easy to justify what we are doing. Today’s song has challenged me for a while and I felt like it would fit well. It’s called ‘Spirit Lead Me’ by Influence Music with Michael Ketterer.

This is my worship

This is my offering

In every moment

I withhold nothing

I’m learning to trust You

Even when I can’t see it

And even in suffering

I have to believe it

We are all aware of the ‘big’ sins, and we are quick to judge those who cross the line. Murder, stealing, corruption, and yes, adultery. But what makes up the ‘big’ sin is often a series of very ‘small’ and seemingly ‘insignificant’ sins. Things that don’t make anyone sit up and notice, behaviors which seem perfectly natural and totally justifiable. We have all heard how taking home the office stapler is theft, even though no one will really notice that you’ve done it. But so is finding comfort in a person who is not your spouse. Comparing your spouse to the younger, more energetic people at work is adultery. It is seemingly insignificant in that no one would notice and no one seems to get hurt. But people do get hurt.

‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ as Theodore Roosevelt said. How true that is. In a marriage of many years, the honeymoon is over, work stress is taking its toll, the kids are draining and life isn’t the Hollywood picture that we once imagined. Our husband or wife may have gained some weight, maybe lost some hair and the mystery has been lost as we’ve lived with each other for years. We may even be grumpy with each other a lot of the time. And we feel like we have lost their respect and appreciation. It seems so easy to talk to a colleague and feel ‘seen’ and admired again. We tell ourselves that we are actually sparing our spouse by off loading our problems on someone at work. But the gap has been created, the marriage is at risk. And we feel like we haven’t crossed the line yet.

If You say “it’s wrong”, then I’ll say “no”

If You say “release”, I’m letting go

If You’re in it with me, I’ll begin

And when You say to jump, I’m diving in

If You say “be still”, then I will wait

If You say to trust, I will obey

I don’t wanna follow my own ways

I’m done chasing feelings

Spirit lead me

Our culture is all about doing what ‘feels’ right and what ‘feels’ good. But our emotions are fickle and a very poor judge of wisdom. Love is a decision, a choice and not a feeling. When we choose to love someone for the rest of our lives, it doesn’t come with the proviso: ‘as long as I’m feeling in love’. The decision should not be conditional on our spouse doing x, y or z. The choice to love and marry someone is a commitment we make, regardless of what the other person does or doesn’t do. Now, I will acknowledge that there are circumstances which may make a marriage untenable, and I have learned to not judge others decisions. But there are many marriages which have broken down because one partner didn’t live up to the commitment that they made.

It felt like a burden

But once I could grasp it

You took me further

Further than I was asking

And simply to see You

It’s worth it all

My life is an altar

Let Your fire fall

The choice to have an affair usually doesn’t happen overnight, and usually doesn’t start in the bedroom. The affair starts with small decisions which do not honor the decision we made to love our spouse. And we justify all these choices and behaviors, we deserve to feel good because my wife doesn’t respect me any more. We deserve to be noticed and flirted with because my husband doesn’t ‘see’ me any more. We deserve more and more and more. But have you asked yourself if you are doing all this for your spouse? Have your noticed your wife, have you loved your husband? Jesus’ teaching is not on the premise that our needs are met first, that only when I am loved and understood will I then love and understand others. In fact Jesus taught us to be the servant, and commanded us to love God and others, while we love ourselves.

When all hope is gone

And Your word is all I’ve got

I have to believe

You still bring water from the rock

To satisfy my thirst

To love me at my worst

And even when I don’t remember

You remind me of my word

Ann Stewart-Porter wrote the posts on Facebook that I was referring too. She talks about putting a hedge around your marriage, protecting the most important of relationships. I thought that our marriage was solid, that we had the hedge in place. We had been through ups and downs but ultimately we knew we were in this together. We were both God loving people, and raised our kids on the importance of family. But still my husband had an affair. What I’m trying to stress is that NO ONE is immune from trials and temptation. NO marriage is immune from affairs. But we each can chose every day to honour our love for our spouse and to honour our commitment to each other.

I don’t trust my ways

I’m trading in my faults

I lay down everything

‘Cause You’re all that I want

I’ve landed on my knees

This is the cup You have for me

And even when it don’t make sense

I’m gonna let Your Spirit lead

The devastation of an affair is wide reaching. It doesn’t only involve the couple, but the kids have their reality changed for the rest of their lives. They will be forever altered by the choices that their parents make. Extended families are shaken by an affair, close friends are rattled. Faith communities, workplaces, school and so on all feel the affect of an affair. So don’t kid yourself that it is just between the two of you.

My prayer for you is that each day you choose your spouse again, every day you renew your commitment to him or her. Never take them for granted. And let the Spirit lead us into deeper love and grace.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/spirit-lead-me-live/1438919395?i=1438919731

Watch the lyric video for ‘Spirit Lead Me’