How many times have you heard “everything happens for a reason”? It’s one of those cliches that seems to be true (well in many cases at least). 10 years ago my daughter joined our family through adoption. We had always felt that adoption was something that was in the plan for our lives, and after we had our second biological child it felt like the time to adopt had come. Being a parent to two boys I felt like I had a handle on the parenting thing. But God has a sense of humour. Little did I know that he was preparing a very strong-willed 11 month old girl for us. Grace joined our family and suddenly I was floundering, I had 3 kids under 4 years old. I ended up in a deep depression, which I have termed a post-adoption depression.

There were many contributing factors to the depression, and I was in a dark place for about 2 years. Eventually I began to see the light, but only after lots of prayer, lots of counseling and the correct medication. I had to do a lot of work on myself during that period. Issues from childhood and long held beliefs needed to be challenged. Eventually I was able to accept myself as a worthy, loving and lovable person. I was finally able to see that I had intrinsic value, not just because I was a wife, mother, daughter, friend etc. I had value because God made me, and I was his precious child. I started to feel so much more confident in who I was and what I had to offer the world. I felt strong and worthwhile just because I was me.

I didn’t realize that I would ever look back on that dark time and be grateful for it. But when my husband’s affair came to light I realized that the lessons I had learned in my depression were vital in helping me to overcome this new season. Through the onslaught that I was facing, I was able to keep my sense of self and my sense of worth. I know that had I not done all the work previously, I would have taken this betrayal very badly and probably would have ended up blaming myself, and spiraling back into depression.

Of course I felt rejection and I questioned what I could have or should have done differently. But I could also see that what happened wasn’t because there was something wrong with me. No, the issues were outside of me. I was (and still am) able to be strong and (sometimes) gracious because I wasn’t floundering within myself. I’d been there, done the work and got the t-shirt!

So today’s song really resonated with me because that’s what it is about. ‘Scars’ by I Am They talks about looking back and seeing how God worked through the hardship and pain. Scars on our skin always have a story attached to them, whether it’s the scar reminding me of giving birth to my kids, or the one on my finger I got at a friends wedding opening a tin can (very weird story!!). At the time there was pain and bleeding. There may have even been stitches and bandages, but until the wound healed there was discomfort.

Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn’t trade it for anything
‘Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You’ll use

I think it’s the same with our emotional scars. There is always a story about how they came to be. At the time there was bleeding and pain, tears and anguish. Sometimes we tended to ourselves with counseling, support from friends and family or perhaps even medication was required. Eventually the wound heals and we have hopefully grown stronger because of it. When we look back on that time of our lives we find that we have learned so much about ourselves. And then when the next ‘injury’ is inflicted, when we encounter hardship and suffering again, we are able to use those lessons, to lean on our increased resilience and strength to help see us through.

Now I’m standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I’m not who I was before
No, I don’t have to fear anymore

So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

So I am grateful for the hard times I had in the past because they prepared and strengthened me for what I have been going through recently. I am also grateful that in going through this hard time, I have been able to experience God with me in a tangible way. He really does use our suffering to show us His heart and His deep, unconditional love for us. This doesn’t mean that I’m going to be asking for more suffering any time soon! But I do hope that as I heal from this time I will keep remembering the lessons that I have learned and just how closely God has walked with me.

Listen to ‘Scars’ by I Am They

I love the whole album ‘Trial and Triumph’. All the songs talk to hardship in someway.

After fighting for our marriage for over a year I finally realized that I had lost the fight. I felt at peace that the time had come for my husband to move out. It was an incredibly painful time for me, but the worst pain was having to tell our kids of their father’s betrayal. It felt like we were pulling the rug out from under their feet. I had my army of pray-ers praying for the kids while we told them the sad news, and God was faithful again. It took time for them to process the news and really understand what was happening, but I was able to be there with them at each step.

I had come across the song ‘Arms Open’ by The Script and I loved it immediately (nope, not a ‘Christian’ song per se but very helpful and comforting to me). The lyrics were so on point not only for what I was feeling, but also how I was feeling for the kids. As a parent we will do anything we can to protect our children from pain. Yet here they were having to deal with pain inflicted on them by their father’s choices. The song reflected what I was feeling in that while I was unable to take away the cause of the pain, I could be there for them through it all, desperate for them to know that they weren’t alone.

“I can’t unfeel your pain
I can’t undo what’s done
I can’t send back the rain
But if I could I would
My love, my arms are open”

The song was for me too. God, my Father, was desperately wanting me to know that I wasn’t alone either. His arms were open to me. As much as He won’t always take away our suffering and pain, He cries with us through it. He hurts as much as we do and aches when He sees us in pain. Being a parent myself helped me to understand how He sees me and longs for me.

“Oh, and when you’re cursing at the sky
And thinking, “Lord, you must be joking”
My arms are open
And when you’re looking in the mirror
Thinking that, “my life is over”
My arms are open”

There is also a song by Tim Hughes called ‘Arms’. It is on a similar theme.What I love in the imagery is the picture of God’s arms being big enough to completely wrap around me. I am able to be completely held together by God. And what a relief that is. I don’t need to keep holding myself together, I don’t need to always be strong.

“Years of pain are washed away
In the beauty of Your presence
In this moment, everyday
Perfect love will carry me

Your arms are big enough for me
Your arms are big enough for me
Your grace is strong enough for me
Your grace is strong enough for me”

It has been hard having to be strong for the kids. They have seen my pain and seen me struggle, but they also need me to be strong so that they can let go. At times it is a burden to feel like I need to keep it all together. But then, when I am able to ‘let go’ of my responsibilities, there is such comfort in knowing that God is the one who is holding me together. His arms are always open.

Listen to Arms are Open by The Script

Listen to Arms by Tim Hughes

Formal quiet times have never been my strong point. Particularly during times of stress I would lack the ability to clear my mind and focus on a bible passage. Prayers would almost feel like shopping lists of what I’d like God to do and help me with. But I do find God in the everyday things of life. One of the activities that I loved during this period of darkness was taking my dogs running at a local green space. The dogs would run and swim and splash in mud. They looked like they were smiling, and I could imagine this was their version of heaven. I would do a trail run (often more walking than running), plug in earphones and turn on my music.

There was a particularly difficult time we went through where it looked like the marriage was over, but I wasn’t ready to give up yet. I felt like I was fighting a battle against forces unseen. I have an incredible group of friends who were walking this path with me and I got them praying with me. During my runs I would listen to songs and sometimes end up meditating on the words. One of these songs was the famous hymn ‘In Christ Alone’ by Stuart Townsend and Keith Getty. I came across a version sung by Kristian Stanfill which I really liked.

I would listen to the song and found myself declaring the words true for my family:

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand

Being able to use words that thousands of others had sung and prayed made it feel like there was added power to what I was praying. Surely God would hear me and answer my prayers! Those particular prayers didn’t feel like they were answered though. I was trusting God to turn my husband back to me and that didn’t happened.

But I was also declaring that my family was protected by God through His grace, love and power. I can see that this prayer is being answered. My kids have been incredibly resilient through the turmoil. Yes, they have felt pain, fear, loss and a whole host of other emotions. But we have remained a unit that is solid. The four of us know that we can rely on each other, we are together for the journey. This is a huge blessing and something that I pray will remain strong.

I know that my children are under God’s care and protection. Despite the turbulence of our family life, my eldest son had an amazing end to his primary school career- he was made head boy, won a host of awards at valediction and was selected to play in a rugby tour to Ireland. The other two also managed to finish off their years with academic and extra-curricular success. I have no doubt that God was shielding them from further harm and paving the way for them to keep living and enjoying life. What a gracious God we serve, one who doesn’t just help us through the hard times but is able to bless us beyond our wildest dreams. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNRFumI2ch0

Watch Kristian Stanfill’s version of In Christ Alone

I’ve probably read one too many romance novels in my life, you know the type where a woman is in some kind of crisis. The hero is often an ‘Alpha’- type man who swoops in to save the day. I’ve often wondered what it would be like to be loved by that kind of person.

I have also heard over the years how God needs to be my ‘lover’ and the One who meets all my needs. I have really struggled with that concept, especially being married. I found my needs for love and intimacy met by my husband. How could God be my lover too?

I am now in a space where those needs aren’t being met. There isn’t someone to hug me, to meet me in intimacy and love. And it’s a lonely space. I find myself longing for more than the abstract concept of God. As aware as I am of Him in my life, and all that He has done and is doing for me, it isn’t the same as having a flesh and bones person with me.

So enter the song ‘Reckless Love’ by Cory Ashbury. The first time I heard it I was almost brought to tears. Here is someone singing about being in need, about being known and loved deeply and intimately. And then the chorus describes the ‘alpha male’ type of love that I’ve found myself longing for.

Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God
Oh, it chases me down, fights ’til I’m found, leaves the ninety-nine
I couldn’t earn it, and I don’t deserve it, still, You give Yourself away
Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God

There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie You won’t tear down
Coming after me

‘Reckless Love’ by Cory Ashbury

I listened to this song on repeat many, many times. Any time that I needed to know that I wasn’t alone and that I am truly, deeply, intimately loved by the One who will never let me down, who will never cheat on me or disappoint me.

There are still times when I long for physical contact, and there have been times I have mourned acutely for its loss. But those moments pass, mercifully, and I am reminded again of how deeply and how perfectly I am loved. I also have realized how much I am celebrated by God, how He is never disappointed in me. I don’t need to do anything to earn His love. Towards the end of my marriage it felt like nothing I did was good enough to win back my husband, and it led to me wondering if I was lacking in myself. But God never thinks that about us. He has made me perfectly and just being me is all that He asks for. I don’t have to do anything, except to be myself. How incredibly freeing.

I don’t think I would have had these realizations had I not been in a place of desperation. Something I have heard a few times is that no one wishes for the suffering, but what we learn from it and the ways that we grow through it make the suffering worthwhile. It gives meaning to our hardships and times of darkness. I am by no means through this hardship, but I see glimpses of light. And I try to hold onto those glimpses and remind myself that this too shall pass. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xx0d3R2LoU

Watch this live version of the song. Cory Ashbury gives the story behind the song too, really powerful.

Before I found out about my husband betraying our marriage vows, we had been in couples counselling for a while. Since the beginning of our marriage 18 years prior, we had been intentional about prioritising our marriage. Even through the addition of our 3 children, we went on date nights, weekends away without the kids, and longer trips annually, leaving the kids with family and friends. We had had counselling through the years and always found it a useful space to reconnect by listening deeply to what the other was saying. This time, however, things weren’t working out so well. I felt like I was hitting my head against a wall, and no matter what I tried, nothing seemed to change. Let me make it clear, I know that I am not perfect, and that I wasn’t always the perfect wife. But I tried really hard to meet his expectations of me. When I found out about the affair, we went back to counselling to try and repair the damage that had been done.

I remember driving to a session one day and feeling incredibly anxious. I was sad, angry, confused and really fearful of what the future held for us as a couple and as a family. I turned on my play list and the song, Never Once by Matt Redman came on. I felt so strongly, that God was saying ‘everything is going to be okay’. The song is about God’s faithfulness, and He was going to be faithful in this situation too.

It took a few months for me to realise that when God said that “it will be ok”, He didn’t necessarily mean that things would work out the way that I hoped and envisioned. He was saying that things would turn out ok, and that He is faithful in looking after us and answering our prayers. BUT the ending may not be what I had initially hoped for. My version of “it will be ok” meant that our marriage would be repaired, and made stronger because of all the trials we had been through. What I am coming to believe is God’s version of “it will be ok”, is that no matter what happens, no matter what the ending looks like, God will be right there in the centre of it. He will never leave us, and He will use our trials, our pain, our suffering to bring us to a new life in which we WILL find joy again. I’m still holding on to that promise, because I’m by no means there yet.

In walking the kids through this painful journey, I have encouraged them to lean on God. I have printed out various verses from the Bible, and some song lyrics to encourage them and remind them that we are not alone in our pain. One of the lyrics that I printed out was the song ‘Never Once’ by Matt Redman. The song talks about kneeling on a battle ground and realising that God has never left us alone through all the trials and struggles that we have faced. He has been there through it all and brought us (or will bring us) out the other side.

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

‘Never Once’ by Matt Redman, Jason Ingram and Tim Wanstall

So whatever struggle it is that you are facing, whatever battle you are fighting, know that it will ultimately be ok. I can’t tell you what the ending will look like, but I do trust that the ending will be one where we find peace and joy. Know that in this hard time you are not walking alone.

As my eldest child has reminded us: ‘It will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.’

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2CpU39tM0c

Life throws all of us curve balls from time to time. Sometimes we are able to deal with them and carry on, other times they knock us down and shift the course of our life completely. I’ve had a few curve balls thrown in my direction, I’ve faced very low self-esteem, difficult childhood experiences and depression but I’ve managed to keep plodding on this journey that is life. However, 18 months ago I was thrown a curve ball that derailed my carefully laid plans, hopes and dreams. My husband had betrayed our marriage. Something that I thought would never happen to me.

The range of emotions that I have gone through since this discovery is vast- anger, betrayal, hurt, disbelief, disappointment, hope, fear, dread, doubt. It has been the most intense period I have ever gone through, a rollercoaster of emotions. Good days, bad days and horrendous days. Days where all I see is the darkness and other days where there are glimpses of light. I’ve had lots of counseling, and shed many, many tears. My incredible group of friends and prayer warriors have supported and loved me and helped carry me to where I am now. But even with all the support that I do have, it has been a lonely journey, one that only I could walk. I am still in the trenches in many ways, but I am a few steps down the road and feel that I can look back and see how God has carried me up until now.

After the initial devastation, I went into fighting mode, I was not going to give up our marriage and family without a fight. We have 3 incredible kids, and if it was up to me, they were not going to have the foundation of their lives shaken. My husband and I would pull through this.

But we know what happens to the best made plans of mice and men, they often go awry. From the beginning of this difficult journey I turned to God, and cried out for help. I also turned to music for comfort. Music has always been in my soul. I don’t play as well as I’d like to, but there is something about listening to music that reaches deep inside me and changes me. So I turned to my trusty ‘worship playlist’. I had a few songs that I loved, that reminded me God was with me and greater than my circumstances. I started to find that He would speak through these songs. I would feel the truths of some of the lyrics and realised that this was God talking to me, walking with me through the pain, the hope, the fears, the valleys.

I’d like to share my story through some of the songs that spoke so clearly to me. And I’ll start with the song after which this blog was named. Matt Redman wrote ‘Songs in the night’ and when I first heard it, I felt a deep resonance with the words.

God You can part the raging sea, bring the miracle I need.

Lord until it comes, I’ll wait here

I will sing Songs in the night, praise in the storm, You’re God in it all.

And I will stand, I’ll be still and know whatever may come, You’re God in it all

So when I am in the storm, Lord the storm is not in me

You will be my peace, I’ll wait here

Songs in the night by Matt Redman, Jason Ingram & Jonas Myrin

I really hope that my journey can encourage you in whatever it is that you are facing right now. In future blogs, I’ll share more of my story and more songs that have encouraged and inspired me, given me peace and hope when I felt none, have comforted me and reminded me that I am not alone.

https://itunes.apple.com/za/album/songs-in-the-night-live/993879380?i=993880242

Watch and listen to Songs in the Night

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton