After my husband had left, I was trying to help the kids deal with their world imploding. I had found music to be a real source of comfort so I tried to steer my kids towards music too. My eldest was 13 and really into music (he still is). We shared an iTunes account and I found my phone filled with all sorts of songs, I was receiving a interesting education in really modern music. When I heard the song ‘Maybe It’s Ok’ by We Are Messengers I thought I’d try and return the favor to my son. He loved it, and I was so chuffed when I’d hear him play it. He even quoted some of the lines back to me during a conversation. I was so thankful that perhaps he was being reassured too that God was still in control.

If I didn’t know what it hurt like to be broken
Then how would I know what it feels like to be whole
If I didn’t know what it cut like to be rejected
Then I wouldn’t know the joy of coming home

The idea that it’s ok to not be ‘ok’ is expressed in memes and on notepads and fridge magnets. But this song really encouraged me. If we didn’t have the hard times then we wouldn’t appreciate the good. Without sorrow then we wouldn’t know true joy. But it goes deeper than that. It’s not just that we need the hard to appreciate the good. I believe that it’s during the hard times that we grow into the people that God made us to be.

Maybe it’s ok if I’m not ok
‘Cause the One who holds the world is holding onto me
Maybe it’s all right if I’m not all right
‘Cause the One who holds the stars is holding my whole life

There is the image of the fire refining metal, stripping it of impurities and making it purer. Or of the clay that needs to bake in heat in order to be made strong. It is through the hardship that we get to grips with who we really are, what we truly believe, what is significant and what is not actually important. Our friendships are tested and revealed for what they are. Sometimes we are cut down to our foundations and we are forced to re-evaluate what it is that is real and true.

I know that during this hard time I have been amazed by how much strength I have. I have been shown things about myself that excite me. I am learning to trust myself in a way that I have never done before. I would not have had the confidence to write this blog. During my bad days, I find myself just trying to get through, but on the good days I can see that I have so much more life to live. What has felt like the end of the world is maybe just the road turning a corner. I don’t know what this new path holds for me but I do know that I am going to be ok. It is ok to feel like the world is falling apart, because that is where growth happens. It is also ok to not be ok because our lives are being held by the One who holds the universe, who controls the storms and the sunshine. Who created us inside our mother’s wombs and who counts the hairs on our head.

https://itunes.apple.com/za/album/maybe-its-ok/1436230954?i=1436230955

Watch the awesome video for ‘Maybe it’s Ok’ by We Are Passengers.

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There is a story in the Bible about 3 men- Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo. What cool names! They were Israelites who had been captured by the Babylonians and were in exile. They were God-fearing Jews who worked hard and were fairly high up in the king’s service. The narcissistic king Nebuchadnezzar had built a statue and ordered everyone to bow down and worship it. Our 3 guys refused to do so and were subsequently thrown into a furnace. The guards who threw them in were killed by the sheer heat of the fire. It is what happened next that is of real interest. When the king looked at the furnace, there weren’t just 3 men but 4 inside. And they were all walking around. Nebuchadnezzar called the men out and Shadrach, Meshach and Abednigo appeared, completely unharmed. ‘Not even the smell of fire’ on them, according to the Bible. (You can read the full story in Daniel chapter 3.)

I’m telling this story because it relates to today’s song ‘Another in the Fire’ by Hillsong United. Imagine being one of our 3 hero’s, being persecuted for your faith. They were happy to die for what they believed in, but instead of dying God sends an angel to protect them. I can’t imagine what it would have been like to realize that you are in the middle of a furnace yet you are not feeling the heat.

There was another in the fire
Standing next to me
There was another in the waters
Holding back the seas
And should I ever need reminding
Of how I’ve been set free
There is a cross that bears the burden
Where another died for me

There was another in the fire

I wish that I could say that I haven’t felt the heat of the ‘fire’ that I’m in at the moment, because I have. I also need to say that my ‘furnace’ is not a result of religious persecution. But I am able to say that I have never felt alone. I have been really conscious of the fact that I have had many ‘angels’ around me while I’ve been walking this dark road. These ‘angels’ have taken many shapes and forms. From a friend who pops around just to give me a hug, a message from someone that I haven’t heard from in years, meeting someone new who is in a similar situation to me, to the gentleness of my own kids when I’m having a bad day. I have found that sometimes it’s the smallest thing that reminds me that I’m not alone, that my need is seen.

I can see the light in the darkness
As the darkness bows to him
I can hear the roar in the heavens
As the space between wears thin
I can feel the ground shake beneath us
As the prison walls cave in
Nothing stands between us

The other thing about being thrown into the fire is that we can find ourselves closer to God than we usually would have been. I think suffering strips away a lot of the superficiality around us and forces us to contemplate what is real and true. We find ourselves questioning everything and it is in that space, where the space between us and heaven wears thin, that we can hear God. Where we notice the tiniest spark of light in the darkness, so we are not overwhelmed by the darkness. As our foundations are shaken to their core, we find that what has previously held us prisoner, whether they be beliefs, fears, desires or even relationships, no longer have a hold on us.  For some of us the worst has happened, and we find that we have survived. We may only be taking small, tentative steps, but we have survived. And for me that is such freedom, I don’t need to fear the worst anymore because I have faced it and survived.

There’s a grace when the heart is under fire
Another way when the walls are closing in
And when I look at the space between
Where I used to be and this reckoning
I know I will never be alone

Take encouragement if you find yourself in the fire right now.  There is a way through the furnace, there is someone holding back the waters so that you will not be submerged.  It may not always feel like it, but you will walk out the other side, especially if you recognise that there is another in the fire with you.

There’ll be another in the fire
Standing next to me
There’ll be another in the waters
Holding back the seas
And should I ever need reminding
How good You’ve been to me
I’ll count the joy come every battle
Cause I know that’s where You’ll be

https://itunes.apple.com/za/album/another-in-the-fire-live/1453339561?i=1453339573

Watch and listen to Another in the Fire by Hillsong United

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You are not hidden
There’s never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen

What incredible words from the song ‘Rescue’ by Lauren Daigle. Watching ‘The Shack’ movie brought these home in a real way. God really does seek us out, in the midst of our pain and darkness. There is nothing that hides us from God. Isn’t this the longing in our hearts, especially when we feel like we are drowning.

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS

But God doesn’t just leave us in the darkness. He helps us navigate our way through. Sometimes He takes us back to the place where the pain started in order to help us heal. Like a doctor can’t always just use a band-aid, sometimes stitches are necessary. And it may feel worse for a while but unless the source of the injury is treated, the wound will never truly heal. I have been exploring a lot of this in my counseling sessions. And while at the time the pain feels too much to bear, and there are days where I feel desperate for relief, a new day will dawn and the pain is not so acute.

I will send out an army to find you
In the middle of the darkest night
It’s true, I will rescue you

I also believe that dealing with suffering in our lives is like peeling an onion. There are layers that need to be peeled back. I don’t think we could truly handle stripping away all the layers in one go. So we go through the initial pain, and then that eases until something else triggers the next layer to be opened. While this process is hard, it serves as a reminder on the really hard days that relief will come. Tomorrow won’t be as hard, as sore as it is today. And as the layers all get peeled back so we find freedom and release from the darkness.

There is no distance
That cannot be covered
Over and over
You’re not defenseless
I’ll be your shelter
I’ll be your armor

What was really encouraging in ‘The Shack’ was that while Mack went through this process, he was never alone. God was always by his side and at times taking the burden from him. The only way that Mack could walk on water was if Jesus was doing it with him. And Mack found joy in the darkness. He was able to heal his relationships with his family, with himself and with God. This is the prayer of my heart, that on this hard journey that I am walking I will find joy and peace, freedom and true healing. I pray that for you too.

itunes.apple.com/za/album/rescue/1447184494

Listen to Rescue by Lauren Daigle

I’ve been struggling recently with hope, and I have been questioning whether I’m just deluding myself that God is in this all, that things will actually get better. One of my dear friends reminded me that the enemy plants thoughts like this to try and distract and derail us. To try and lead us into despair, which for me is a black hole. So I decided to keep listening to my music and to keep believing that yes, God is here and He is with me.

I also decided to watch the movie ‘The Shack’ and I was so encouraged afterwards. If you haven’t seen the movie or read the book yet I really do encourage you to do so. It isn’t about ‘religion’, it is all about relationship. God just desperately wants to have a relationship with us. All He/She desires is to walk with us and share life together. That is what brings God joy. Imagine that. The God who created the universe (whether it was by evolution or the big bang method), who spoke it all into being, who thought up each and every different species of bird and plant and insect, who created each person completely uniquely, just wants to know and love us.

There is a moment in the movie where Sarayu (the character representing the Holy Spirit) catch’s Mack’s tear and puts it in a bottle. She says that we all collect what we treasure the most. God treasures each and every part of us, even our tears. In the movie these tears are later used to produce an incredible garden.

He is jealous for me
Love’s like a hurricane, and I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

Today’s song is ‘How He Loves’ which was written by John Mark McMillan and performed by David Crowder. I don’t even know how to put into words the realization that I am the one that God loves. I am chosen by Him, I am the one that He desperately desires to have a relationship with. Me, with my pain, frustration, failings, joys and successes. Just me.

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a unforeseen kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
when I think about the way

He loves us

And you. He loves you, desperately, fiercely, passionately, gently. And I think He (or She) is calling to us to come and chat. Have a cup of tea, share a meal with Him. Talk about the joys and struggles of your life, share your hopes and dreams. And realise that no matter where you find yourself, you are never alone. Never.

I’ve always loved rainbows. I love the colors, I enjoy the legends but mostly I love the significance of a rainbow. Many years ago God gave the rainbow to Noah as a sign that He would never again flood the earth and cause the level of destruction that that great flood had caused. Rainbows have become a cliche in their use as decoration, but if we remember why God first gave us the rainbow then they will never lose their significance.

During the past few years I have taken the rainbow as a more personal sign from God that He is with me through all the trials that I am facing. I recently went on a trip to Ireland to watch my son play rugby. I had arrived at Dublin airport and was wondering what I was doing on the trip when my life back home was in utter chaos. I sat down for some coffee and breakfast and outside the window was a rainbow. Just when I was needing some comfort and reassurance, there was a sign that all was ok. Now I know that this isn’t particularly miraculous, rainbows aren’t uncommon, but I chose to see that rainbow as a smile from God.

I have recently been finding life quite hard, navigating this new journey as a single mom while trying to provide the additional emotional support that my children are needing, often leaves me drained and exhausted. And I find myself asking if life will ever get easier. When I heard the song ‘Greater Things’ by Mack Brock, I found hope again that indeed ‘this too shall pass’.

You never fail
You never will
I trust Your name for greater things
You will come through
You always do
I trust Your name for greater things

God does have greater things in store for me. When the kids ask me if things will feel better, if life will ever feel good again, I can encourage them with the certainty that there are good things in our future. I’ve always been aware of God’s faithfulness, but He doesn’t want us to just survive, to just get through each day, each week. He wants us to live life in abundance, He wants to give us all kinds of joy and blessings. It says so in the Bible; “I have come so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of” (that’s from John 10:10, in the Message translation). We aren’t always going to feel like each day is just about ‘getting through’.  We are going to have really great days, we are going to make new, fun memories. We will have adventures and have more and better life than we have right now.

So if you too are in ‘the trenches’ then know that you too have greater things to look forward to.

Watch the video for Greater Things by Mack Brock

Have you heard the story of the Israelites marching around the walls of Jericho? God had promised them victory over Jericho but all He told them to do was to march in silence around the city walls once a day for 6 days. On the 7th day they were to march 7 times around the city, blowing their trumpets and making a noise on their final march. In my mind this all seems like a lot of marching and not much ‘doing’ to win a battle. But Joshua and the Israelites were obedient and sure enough the walls of the city collapsed and the city was defeated (you can read the full story in the Bible in Joshua 6:1-24).

I can just imagine some of the soldiers and officers wondering if Joshua was off his rocker! How do you win a battle by walking in circles? I can relate to this story in many ways. In the fight for my marriage I believed that God had told me that I would win. I also believed that I needed to just ‘keep walking’ even if it felt like I was walking in circles. But I can also relate to the soldiers wondering if this was all actually a pointless exercise, there certainly didn’t seem to be any progress. Enter today’s song ‘Do it again’ by Elevation worship.

Walking around these walls
I thought by now they’d fall
But You have never failed me yet
Waiting for change to come
Knowing the battle’s won
For You have never failed me yet

I heard that line ‘but you have never failed me yet’ and I knew that I had to have hope, I needed to hold onto hope even when it felt hopeless.

Your promise still stands
Great is Your faithfulness, faithfulness
I’m still in Your hands
This is my confidence, You’ve never failed me yet

I found myself looking back on my life and remembering the many ways and many occasions when God had been faithful. There have been big things and small things but God really has been very present in all sorts of ways. One of these was when my husband felt called to start his own business. It was a long process of listening to God and talking to friends and colleagues. We had just had our second child, I wasn’t working and he needed to resign from his job which was the only source of income sustaining our family. But I felt complete peace about it all and I knew that God was in it. He did resign and start the new company.  Every time our bank account dwindled down to zero, an invoice was paid and a contract would be won. This happened with enough regularity that I just knew that God was keeping his promise to us. We were trying to be obedient to Him and he was looking after us in very practical ways.

I’ve seen You move, You move the mountains
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again
You made a way, where there was no way
And I believe, I’ll see You do it again

I have seen some mountains moved and so I needed to keep trusting God even when it felt like I was just walking around in circles. I wish that I could tell you that the battle for our marriage was won, but I haven’t lost heart. Perhaps the battle that I have been fighting is actually a different one all together. Only time will tell how this part of my story will end.

I know the night won’t last
Your Word will come to pass
My heart will sing Your praise again
Jesus, You’re still enough
Keep me within Your love
My heart will sing Your praise again

For now I need to remember that this ‘night won’t last’. Thank goodness, because it has been really hard and there are times when I’m not sure how much more I can take. And in those moments I try to remind myself that Jesus is still enough for me, and I ask Him to keep me and remind me that I am in His love. He is still in control and He will be faithful. Thank goodness for that!

Watch Elevation Worship perform Do It Again

How often do you feel totally overwhelmed by life and all its responsibilities? If you are anything like me, this feeling comes in waves, and usually correlates to my level of stress and to feeling down. This new season that I’m in has brought new responsibilities that I am still trying to adjust to, and I often just feel like it’s all too much. The song “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns was introduced at church one week and the words jumped out at me.

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

Yes, that was me! I was suddenly a single mom, there was no-one else at home to help handle day-to-day chores, no-one else to handle the emotional breakdowns that the kids had, no-one else to give me a break when I just couldn’t put one more meal on the table.  To be honest this has been a recurring feeling throughout my life, especially being a mom.  Feeling responsible for these 3 precious beings can be a real burden.  Not one that I would ever give-up, nor do I ever resent it.  But the reality is that kids can be draining.  And the older they get, so the worries change and feel weightier – are they coping socially, how are they handling life emotionally, have I caused damage by the way that I handled that last conflict. My daughter in particular has a lot to deal with when it comes to her adoption, she questions a lot and feels the early rejection very deeply.  In an ideal world I could be patient and loving and encouraging at all times, but this certainly isn’t an ideal world.

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

These words came as such a relief.  I don’t need to have it all together, I don’t need to handle every situation perfectly.  I am able to just let go and breathe. Ultimately the kids belong to God, He wants the very best for them.  I will do my best, and love and parent them as best I can, but He will fill in the gaps where I fall short.  The times when I have no emotional or physical strength to handle a situation, I know that I can ask God to step in.  The kids have been great in accepting when I say that I just can’t handle a situation. And I feel some peace that I’m not permanently damaging them.

If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will

This next verse brought me very real comfort one day when I was feeling particularly anxious.  I was struggling with my whole situation and wondering when things would start to feel better, what more did I need to do to feel better and make sense of life.  Listening to this song I began to realize that the more I focus on my problems and my stress, the more stressed, anxious and depressed I would feel.  As soon as I took my eyes off myself and moved them on to God, I felt an almost immediate sense of calm. I have had to redirect my thoughts many times since then, and remind myself that ultimately I am in God’s hands.  There are so many areas of my life that are out of my control, and stressing about them achieves nothing.

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go

So take comfort today, that whatever storm it is that you are facing, that is where God is. When life is at its hardest, God is closest to us.  We just need to turn our eyes on to Him, and He will carry us. Imagine yourself as a child being held and comforted when life is overwhelming.  And you will find yourself able to breathe..

Listen to ‘Just Be Held’ by Casting Crowns