Did you know that there are 365 verses in the Bible that tell us ‘do not fear’. In fact it is the most often repeated command: ‘fear not’. But we all know that in the grip of anxiety it is one thing to read a verse and another to actually release that fear. Our fear overcomes our rational thought, and we sometimes feel helpless against it. Fear may or may not be based in reality, and it is fear that kicks in the flight/fight/freeze response, which can be a life saving reaction to physical danger. But I think most of us experience fear on an emotional level: fear of the future, fear of loss, fear of rejection, fear of failure. I believe it is these fears that God is referring to in the Bible.

I’m wishing I could see the finish line
Where this ends, where it lands
Guess I lost my vision when the pain set in

Can I believe
When I don’t see
Can I really let it be
Out of my hands
When it’s out of my hands

Today’s song is called ‘Fear No More’ by Building 429. I think the biggest reason we fear is because we are actually not in control of that which we fear. We can’t control someone else’s response, we can’t control the course of a disease, we can’t control what will happen in the future. We are so good at making plans, but we can’t plan for every eventuality. And so often life gets in the way of our plans.

This isn’t what I’d choose
But it’s where I’m finding you
When I’m broken and undone
Your mercy’s just begun
You overcome my doubt
Your hands are reaching out
You hold me through the storm
And I will fear no more

I think that this is where we come face to face with God. When we realize that we have lost control but are still deeply invested in the outcome of a situation. For me it was when I realized that I couldn’t change my husband’s mind, and that ultimately he would choose whether to stay in the marriage or not. I had visions of our future together, and in none of those visions were we apart. Fear for the future became very real. But that is also where God was reaching out to me. When life was suddenly totally out of my control, God was reaching through the storm.

Can’t look into the future but
I know where you have been
Before me, after and always within

At each new step of the journey, God was reaching for me, and reminding me that He has got this. But I had to choose whether to trust Him or not, I had to consciously hand over the reins to Him. And when I tried to take back the reins, I would be gently reminded that He has them. I had to trust that God has my best interests at heart, that He wanted what was good for me. And like a parent won’t let their child have everything they ask for, so God knows what is really good for us, what will help us grow and prosper.

I’m not giving up
I’m giving in
To what You’ve planned
For Your Glory

To not fear requires us to trust God completely. When we tell our kids to not worry about something, it’s because we have the situation in hand, we are protecting them from the threat. And likewise we need to trust that God has the situation in hand and is protecting us. It takes practice, and we often have to release our fear over and over. But the end result is peace. Peace and freedom from anxiety which so often cripples us.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/fear-no-more/1456385928?i=1456386162

Watch the lyric video for ‘Fear No More’ by Building 429

I first listened to the song ‘Forever On Your Side’ because I just loved the name of the band ‘Needtobreathe’. So often I find myself taking a deep breath in and releasing it again, almost feeling like I haven’t actually been breathing and my whole body needs the oxygen.

As I listened to the song again I just felt an amazing sense of comfort and reassurance. I sent the song to my kids to listen to, telling them that I will forever be on their side, regardless of what comes their way.

I won’t pretend

That we can control the night

Or what kind of road we’re on

Or where we will see the light

But right now I’m talking to ya

I’m looking into your eyes

Right now I’m trying to show ya

That we’re gonna be alright

When I listened to it, I felt God singing these words to me. (I know that the metaphor is a little problematic in that He can control the night and He does know what’s around the bend but the sentiment of the rest of the song holds true). It was so comforting to know that I’m walking this road and I’m accompanied by God.

All these pieces they fall in line

Because I’m forever on your side

Take my hand when you can’t see the light

Cause I’m forever on your side

I will carry

You every time

Because I’m forever on your side

Not only is God with us on the journey that we’re on, but He is on our side. He is rooting for us, supporting us and cheering us on. He wants the best for us and has our back. I know that it doesn’t always feel that way, but God really is on our side.

They’ll beat you up

But don’t let ’em keep you down

You’re always tough enough

And I’ll always be around

Oh I don’t know

What’s around the bend

Oh, all I know

Is that my love,

It knows no end

It’s the song of a parent sending their child off to school knowing that there are hard things for the child to overcome. There are bullies, tough teachers, difficult friendship issues, all waiting to bring the child down. And that’s what life is like for all of us, there are all sorts of obstacles and hardships that we are faced with daily. There are the really big events that change our lives, there is suffering, depression, loss and loneliness. But through it all, God’s love knows no end.

Oh I can’t promise

That a day will never come

Where the ground beneath us

Falls out and we got no where to run

Oh but you won’t be alone

When the water starts to rise up

No you won’t be alone

My darling when the rains come

Inside all of us is that child that we once were, and for me it’s often that inner child that needs the comforting. When my kids were younger and something happened to upset them, they would turn to me to be held and reassured that they are safe and loved. They would be enfolded in my arms and find refuge from the rest of the world. Sometimes I use that image when I’m feeling overwhelmed and I can imagine God enfolding me in His arms, providing a refuge for me, a place to shed tears and to find reassurance that I’m ok and that I’m loved. God says to us in Isaiah 66:13- “As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you”.

I will carry

You every time

Because I’m forever on your side

Oh I’m forever on your side

https://music.apple.com/za/album/forever-on-your-side-with-johnnyswim/1408670730?i=1408670965

Watch the lyric video for ‘Forever on your side’ by Needtobreathe

I was due to lead worship at my church recently, and I realised that I had nothing in me to give. I had very little inspiration, almost no energy and a despondent spirit within me. I remembered the song by MercyMe called ‘Even if’ and so I played it on my way to church to remind myself what it’s all really about.

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now, right now I’m losing bad

I’ve stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it’ll be alright

But right now, oh right now I just can’t

The weekend had been tough for me and my head was in a bad space, it felt like I was ‘losing bad’. I was going through the motions of life with a very heavy heart. I think sometimes when we are going through a rough time, it feels like everything catches up and threatens to overwhelm us. For me, I felt very despondent about my situation, and overwhelmed by the demands on me. The light at the end of the tunnel felt like a train heading straight towards me.

I know You’re able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don’t

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You’d just say the word

But even if You don’t

My hope is You alone

One of the really hard things to deal with while going through a difficult time is knowing that God could take away the suffering at any moment. He could heal the person who is dying, restore the broken relationship, redeem what has been lost. But so often He doesn’t. I am mostly at peace that He has a bigger plan and a perspective that I don’t have. But knowing that doesn’t lessen the pain or make the suffering easier to bear.

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

Over and over in my life I have looked back and seen, as Richard Rohr describes it, ‘the path straightening behind me’. I’ve been on journeys which, only in hindsight, I can see how valuable they were. I can see the lessons learned, skills gained and grace given to me, only when I look the rear view mirror. And so I know that somehow God is using and will use this new twist in my journey. Knowing that there is a purpose in our hardships does make it easier to bear. That knowledge doesn’t diminish the pain, but I believe it gives us strength to face what is happening to us. It encourages us to keep moving forward and trusting that God does in fact have a bigger plan for us.

How great is this verse from Psalm 56:8- “You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.”

You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

‘Cause I know You’re able

I know You can

So God may choose to not move the mountain in your path, or give you the answer that you’ve been looking for. But that doesn’t mean that He isn’t there with you in the midst of the pain. One day we will hopefully understand why God answered our prayers in the way that He did, but for now we need to put our hope in God, cling to Him and trust in the greater purpose of our suffering.

By the way, God blessed our worship that night. It happens so often that when we are at our weakest, God’s strength pours through, so we have no choice but to acknowledge how great He really is.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/even-if/1204326079?i=1204326990

Watch the video and testimony behind the song ‘Even If’ by MercyMe

My 14 year old got really sick this week. He had proper influenza and has never been so ill. He was struggling to keep down his medication, and one evening with his temperature spiking, I was very concerned that he was badly dehydrated. I was wondering if I needed take him to the hospital. He had managed to keep down small amounts of fluids and so I made the call to just watch and see how he managed through the night. I set my alarm to wake up a few times during the night to check on him. As I got into bed I felt so alone. In the past I would have had my husband around to share the load and the worries. But now I am parenting alone, and in my tired, worried state I felt so angry at all that had happened. As I got into bed, I was praying for my son and I was suddenly aware of God. As I lay in bed, relishing the comfort of my pillow and mattress, I had the strong sense that God was cradling me on his lap. Like a child falling asleep on her father’s lap, so I was being held by God. It was such a gift of peace and reassurance.

God, I’m tired and I’m lonely

I can’t do this on my own

I surrender every burden

By Your mercy, You come close

This song ‘Near To Me’ by I Am They describes just how I was feeling, so tired and so lonely. I don’t want to have do life on my own but I’ve been thrust into this situation. My natural inclination is towards anger- with my ex, with the woman who lured him away from our family, with others who may have facilitated the affair. With the anger, I tend feel very sorry for myself and want to lash out. I’ve learned to just sit with the feeling for a while and not act on it, because acting in anger doesn’t really achieve anything. I allow myself to feel the despondency of my situation, and then often find myself crying out to God for help, because these feelings are so big and so real.

You can have my heart, I will rest in You

And my darkest night will be bright as noon

I am filled with hope and I will not fear

When I lose it all, I know You come near to me

So come near to me

God does draw near to me in these moments. As helpless as I feel about changing my situation, I become aware that in fact He is in control. I have to remind myself again and again that God is with me, and is in control. I don’t know what the future holds, and sometimes feel quite adrift, but songs like this one remind me to hold onto hope.

You are goodness, You are kindness

So I lift my eyes to You

In my weakness, You are boundless

So I lift my hands to You

I have realized that turning to God also changes my perspective dramatically. The more I allow myself to wallow in self-pity and anger, the more I feel despair and depression. But when I remember to cry out to God, even cries of pain and sadness, my focus shifts and I am reminded that God is so much bigger than me, than my problems. God has a birds-eye view of my life, and is ultimately in control of all that happens. I am never alone, I am held and loved. I am cherished and valued. While it may not be the comfort of a physical person, it is true comfort for the soul. I am given a peace that passes understanding, and that is where my soul finds rest.

Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.” Philippians 4:6-7, from the Message.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/near-to-me/1341233127?i=1341233140

Listen to The Audio version of ‘Near To Me’ by I Am They

We all know the feeling of being hit from all sides by (sometimes random) events. We try and take each one in our stride but after a while it starts to feel like it’s just too much. My past few weeks have felt like that. I’m now left with quite a few areas where I need make decisions, some of them are hard decisions with serious implications. Some of these events took a big emotional toll on me which I’m still trying to recover from. Today’s song is called ‘The Water’ by I Am They.

This far, He has held us

Through the waters as they crash against

This far, He is with us, He is for us

Through the stormy depths

I will soar on wings like eagles

O God, You’ve carried me

This far, this far

When life gets overwhelming I tend to retreat into myself, almost numbing myself in order to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Each day becomes more about survival than living. I try to just make it through, doing the essentials before collapsing in exhaustion. The fear that I will be totally overwhelmed lurks on the edge of consciousness, so I try not to think too much. I’m almost waiting for the next hit to come. But then I’ll hear a song like this and I wake up a little. I’m reminded of where I’ve come from and what God has done for me in the past.

There is power, victory

Hope for the broken-hearted

Healing meant for me

There is goodness, justice

Rest for the weak and weary

Love that’s meant for me

‘Rest for the weak and weary’ – I love that line. That promise that I will find rest, and healing. God doesn’t want us walking through life with our blinkers on, just existing. He wants us to live, to feel, to appreciate each day, each moment. And when we look back, we see how God has brought us ‘this far’.

This far, He has led us

Through the darkness to the light of day

This far, He has shown us

Love and mercy and unfailing grace

When my hope is lost in the shadows

This promise, You have made

It’s not far, not far

I’m trying to remember to keep handing over all these decisions, these worries. If I don’t, then they play on repeat in my mind, occupying valuable space and using energy that I would much rather be spending on more worthwhile activities. I go around endlessly having conversations in my head but I’m not achieving anything. When I do remember to hand these concerns to God, I find release from the worry. I am able to think a bit more clearly about what needs to be done. And my head starts to rise above the water, I no longer feel like I’m drowning. Slowly I can start living again, not just exist.

When the water, the water, the water is crashing over

He’s gonna, He’s gonna, He’s gonna, He’s gonna save us

The water, the water, the water is crashing over

He’s gonna rescue us

He is there to rescue us, to save us from ourselves and from all the hits that we feel are being aimed at us. He walks us through the darkness and out into the light again. The hits will still keep coming but we don’t feel as vulnerable to attack. We are able to handle them with strength and sureness. So I need to keep remembering where I’ve been and how far I have come. And I will be reminded that I am never alone.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/the-water-meant-for-me-feat-david-leonard/1341233127?i=1341233139

Watch the Lyric video for ‘The Water’ by I Am They

I’ve been listening to Brené Brown’s book called the Power of Vulnerability. If you haven’t yet watched her TED talk then I would urge you to do so. Her insights into shame, guilt and vulnerability are incredible. Her research began with looking at vulnerability but she soon realized that shame was a big part of the topic. This book is challenging me on many levels. One of her conclusions is that people who allow themselves to be vulnerable tend to be ‘whole-hearted’ people. And people who are ‘whole-hearted’ are that way because they see themselves as worthy of love. These people live a rich, satisfying life. Not necessarily in terms of money, possessions or even relationships, but their view of themselves is healthy and they are able to love themselves and others around them.

Do you see yourself as worthy of love? I had to do a lot of work with myself to get to the realization that I have worth in and of myself. Not because I’m a mother, a daughter, a successful employee or a wife, but because I am me. It was so hard for me to accept that God loves me just because. I think it was hard mainly due to the fact that I didn’t necessarily love myself. Today’s song by Hillsong United talks about God loving our whole heart.

Hold me now

In the hands that created the heavens

Find me now

Where the grace runs as deep as Your scars

You pulled me from the clay

You set me on a rock

Called me by Your Name

And made my heart whole again

The line ‘You called me by Your name’ is a very emotive line for me. I’ve always wondered what this has meant. Does God have a special name for me? One that He has chosen based on His knowledge of who I am and who He created me to be. A name that reflects my special qualities and strengths, a name that tells a story of my uniqueness and individuality and how I fit into God’s family. Or is it that being called by His name means that we belong to Him. We are recognized as His. I honestly like both concepts. God sees us for who we are and we belong to Him.

Hold my heart

Now and forever

My soul cries out

Once I was broken

But You loved my whole heart through

Sin has no hold on me

‘Cause Your grace holds me now

When we let God love our whole heart, I believe that we will love ourselves too. Because if God deems us to be worthy of love, to be lovable, then who are we to disagree? It is not always an easy concept to view ourselves as lovable, but that is what we are. Regardless of what we’ve done in the past, of the hurts we caused and the way that we have been hurt by others. Even the soul deep wounds that we hide away in the shadows. God sees it all and finds us worthy of His love.

Healed and forgiven

Look where my chains are now

Death has no hold on me

‘Cause Your grace holds that ground

And Your grace holds me now

So even when we find ourselves deserted by the ones who are supposed to love us most, the people who are supposed to have our best interests at heart, we are still loved. We are still worthy of love, we are lovable. And we will always be loved for who we are.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/whole-heart-hold-me-now-live/1453339561?i=1453339565

Watch the lyric video for ‘Whole Heart’ by Hillsong United

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Life has a habit of carrying on even when you just want to get off the treadmill for a while. I sometimes feel like I just want to press ‘pause’ for a while, while my mind and my heart catch up to all that’s happened in the last two years. It doesn’t seem right that part of your world has collapsed but the kids still need lifts to school, lunch boxes still need to be packed, the groceries still need to be bought. And while life carries on, I find myself wavering between hope and despair. There are many days where the daily routine can be ‘brutally relentless’ (a friend described single parenting like that and I love the term, so apt). I can feel worn down and worn out. Will anything ever change? Will it get better? What about the promises I thought I heard from God, was I making them up? Today’s song is ‘Haven’t Seen it Yet’ by Danny Gokey.

Have you been praying and you still have no answers?

Have you been pouring out your heart for so many years?

Have you been hoping that things would have changed by now?

Have you cried all the faith you have through so many tears?

And then interspersed are the good days, where I feel I can breathe a bit more easily, the sun is shining just a bit brighter, I have more energy, my smile isn’t forced. And I remember that I’ve had these good days before. Surely if I’ve had them before then I’ll have them again? Isn’t life so often like that, the particular moment that we find ourselves in defines all of life- if I’m feeling bad now then it means life is terrible; if I’m feeling good now then all my troubles have passed. And that is the road to despair. Either we don’t even try to find hope, or we are totally thrown when the good day becomes a bad day. I’ve found reassurance that there will be good days and bad days. So when I’m feeling down I can be gentle with myself and know that ‘this too shall pass’. When I’m feeling good I can really enjoy the moment, cherish it and appreciate the light. Because I’m not sure what tomorrow holds, and I need to remember that the darkness will fade.

Don’t forget the things that He has done before

And remember He can do it all once more

Looking back also reminds me of what God has done for me in the past. I have tangible reasons to keep holding onto hope. What I believed He said isn’t just wishful thinking, but a deep reassurance that I am never alone. In fact looking back over my life I can see how He has been working in all sorts of ways, using things which at the time felt insignificant. I can also see that the darkest times do turn into light. They end and life is sweeter for them.

It’s like the brightest sunrise

Waiting on the other side of the darkest night

Don’t ever lose hope, hold on and believe

Maybe you just haven’t seen it, just haven’t seen it yet

You’re closer than you think you are

Only moments from the break of dawn

All His promises are just up ahead

Maybe you just haven’t seen it, just haven’t seen it yet

I don’t know what will eventually bring the breakthrough. I don’t know how long this season will take or what the outcome will be. But I’m learning to find peace. I know that God doesn’t waste our tears, and I know that He will use this chapter in my story for something good. I also know that He doesn’t want me to just survive, as far as possible I still need to look for joy and gratitude. And when I do find Him in this season it is so comforting. He is ultimately in control, He is God and I am not.

I found this verse in Colossians 1, using the translation of The Message. I can’t help but be reassured and encouraged:

“We pray that you’ll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.”

I can’t wait for the ‘bright and beautiful’ that He has in store for me!

https://music.apple.com/za/album/havent-seen-it-yet/1454830617?i=1454830630

Watch the Lyric Video for Haven’t Seen It Yet by Danny Gokey

I have had quite a few comments and conversations after my last post so I thought that I’d follow up on the whole theme of control. Tenth Avenue North have a great song called ‘Control’. The subtitle is ‘Somehow You Want Me’. When I first heard the song I thought that they were mixing up two different themes, but on listening to the song again and reflecting on the idea of control, I think I might understand what they were trying to say.

Here I am

All my intentions

All my obsessions

I want to lay them all down

In Your hands

Only Your love is vital

Though I’m not entitled

Still You call me Your child

As I said in my last blog, I believe that we are wired to take control of our lives. The western world view really encourages us to ‘look after number one’, ‘dream it and you can make it happen’ etc etc. But is that what God has created us for? Don’t get me wrong, we do have a responsibility to look after ourselves but I’m not sure that is what our primary focus should be.

I’ve had plans

Shattered and broken

Things I have hoped in

Fall through my hands

You have plans

To redeem and restore me

You’re behind and before me

Oh, help me believe

We all find ourselves with shattered dreams and disappointments. Some of of these are soul-deep wounds. We’re left with intense anger, frustration, sadness and at times despair. What do we do with these feelings? I believe we need to acknowledge these feelings, they are valid and very real. I have had to go through a lot of counseling to work through various disappointments in my life, to deal with anger and being let down. I’ve also had to learn to forgive. I’ve realized that forgiveness is crucial in moving on, I don’t have to keep dragging the baggage of my past around with me. The relationship may or may not be restored, but forgiveness is vital. I’ll explore this more in future blogs.

God You don’t need me

But somehow You want me

Oh, how You love me

Somehow that frees me

To take my hands off of my life

And the way it should go

God You don’t need me

But somehow You want me

Oh, how You love me

Somehow that frees me

To open my hands up

And give You control

I give You control

When we look at who God is and what He has done for us, we realize just how small and insignificant we really are. He created the universe, and spoke it all into being. Yet we feel that we know best, our plans surely are the only way forward! We don’t always understand what God is doing in a situation, and we might end up getting in the way because we can’t see the big picture

I love the thought in this song that God doesn’t need us, yet He wants us. He wants you just as you are. He loves You just as you are. I’m not a vital cog in the plans He has for the world, yet He desperately wants me to be involved in His plans. When we realign our perspective it takes so much pressure off us. Someone bigger and greater than us knows the whole picture, and all we need to do is just take the next step forward. We don’t need to have the whole path mapped out.

Oh, You want me

Somehow You want me

The King of Heaven wants me

So this world has lost it’s grip on me

Many things in life feel so random. The health nut who gets cancer, the strong Christian influencer who dies young, the marriage that seemed so strong that falls apart, the child with a life threatening illness. How can God allow this to happen, we cry out. For some of us our faith and foundations are shaken to the core. I can’t answer the question of why this happens, and I don’t have answers for a good God who allows bad things to happen. What I can share is that for me it is during the trials when our faith sinks deep, head knowledge becomes heart knowledge and we can experience the God who meets us in our darkness. The God who carries us when we can’t go on, who loves us when we don’t deserve it. The God of the universe who still wants me even though He doesn’t need me.

I heard of a beautiful image recently. God is painting our lives in all sorts of rich colours. When we try and take control, all we end up doing is smearing the painting, drawing over God’s perfect design. If we let Him do the painting, the end result will be breathtaking. Fortunately He is also a master in turning our mistakes into masterpieces. The times when we try to scribble over the painting, God will use to add new depth to our painting. We need to remind ourselves during the times when things don’t make sense, during the darkness, that God is still painting. All He wants for us is to trust Him to turn our lives into a masterpiece. We can’t see the whole picture yet. But we can trust that He is using everything that happens to us to create beauty.

https://itunes.apple.com/za/album/control-somehow-you-want-me/1130475730?i=1130476177

Watch the lyric video for Control (Somehow you want me) by Tenth Avenue North

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