Blessings

I sometimes wonder if the way we see the world is upside down. As I’ve said before, I believe that our western culture is overly focused on the value of the individual. We prioritize self above all others, and we can see where this has led us. The environmental crisis facing us didn’t happen by chance. It evolved through man’s selfishness and determination to put the needs of ‘self’ above the needs of others. It is easy to demonize big corporates and governments, pointing fingers at them as both the creators of the crisis, and the parties who could make the most impact on resolving global warming. Don’t get me wrong, I agree that corporates and governments have a huge responsibility to correct the damage of the past. But let’s look at ourselves too. In our own communities, how much do we prioritize our own needs above the needs of our schools, workplaces, churches, friendship groups, families, spouses etc. And when we are so focused on ourselves, when we do encounter suffering it often feels like a personal affront. Today’s song is a challenging one by Laura Story, called Blessings.

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

I am speaking for myself here when I say that most of my prayers are for and about myself. I am looking for ways to make my life more comfortable and stable. I’m so often asking for my discomfort to be eased, for challenging times to pass quickly. Suffering is uncomfortable, painful and disconcerting. Pain is something that we avoid at all costs. But metal can only be freed of impurities in a furnace, clay can only be baked in an oven. After a veld fire, the new growth is so much greener and sweeter than the grass that was there before.

What if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

One thing that I know to be true, is that I am so much closer to God now than I have ever been before. And it is because of my suffering. In the good times we don’t need God so much. We sometimes remember to be grateful for our blessings, but our prayers aren’t born out of sheer desperation. It is in the darkest night that feels endless, that we realize that we cannot make it on our own. We are faced with our own failures, weaknesses and mortality. We question our existence and purpose. All our bravado and ego gets stripped away and we come face to face with our true selves and our Maker. And when we see Him crying with us, holding us and loving us because of our faults, we can start to fathom how deep that love is.

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

And long that we’d have faith to believe

The ‘why me’ question is often the first on our lips when something bad happens in our lives. ‘How can a good God allow such bad things to happen?’ we cry. I’m not going to even attempt to enter that debate. Instead I’d like to offer an alternative view. Edith Eger in her book ‘The Choice’, says that instead of asking ‘why me’, the question should be ‘why not me’. Why does someone else deserve suffering but I don’t? Why do I deserve a pain free life? The answer is that I don’t. Jesus never promised us a life without suffering, in fact he says ‘when you encounter suffering…’. It will happen to all of us, in different ways and at different times. But it will happen. And I’d like to suggest that we reframe our questions. Instead of being horrified that it happened to me, perhaps we could be asking what we can learn from the suffering, how will we grow, what is God going to reveal to me during this dark time.

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know that pain reminds this heart

That this is not our home

I certainly am not suggesting that we won’t feel pain and desperation, because we will. But that is the way in which we will grow, in which God will break into our lives which are so filled with busyness. In my times of deepest distress, I have heard God’s gentle whisper. In those times when I’m just not sure how to carry on, I have felt an overwhelming peace and comfort. I have seen God answer prayers over and over and over again. The more that I have relied on Him, the more He comes though for me time and again.

I was just reflecting on one of the decisions that I had to make during the period of time after finding out about my husband’s affair and before we separated. Even now I can look back and recognize that that particular decision was right. If I had gone with the advice of others, I don’t believe that I would have the peace that I have now, that I did everything that I could to try fight for our marriage. Which means I don’t have regrets about that period of time.

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

What if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise

I will never wish for suffering, or voluntarily chose pain. And I don’t wish for suffering for others. But during the past two years I have been so aware that God has a purpose in my suffering. I’m not sure what that purpose it, but it is a comfort because I’m not walking through this alone. And I’m not going through this pain for no reason. I don’t believe that God inflicts suffering on us, but I do believe that He will use each and every tear if we let Him. If we turn ourselves towards Him, we will see His mercies in new ways. We will see just how much love He has for us in the grace that He shows us every day.

I don’t wish for suffering, but I am grateful for what it has brought into my life and how I have been changed, hopefully for the better.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/blessings/880693002?i=880693008

Watch the lyric video for Blessings by Laura Story

Listen to the My Song in the Night playlist, featuring songs from the blog

https://music.apple.com/za/playlist/my-song-in-the-night/pl.u-gxblMR7txxMyzv

Still

How many of us quickly check messages on our phone while we are waiting at a red traffic light. Or check emails and Facebook while we’re watching TV (or on the toilet!). It feels nearly impossible to just ‘do nothing’ for even a short moment in time. The 30 seconds it takes for the light to turn green can be filled with doing something useful, surely? It feels like a curse of our culture, this inability to just ‘do nothing’. To just sit and wait for our turn in the line at the shops. To not flick through the channels when there is an ad break in our favorite show, or rather to stream the show so that we miss ads altogether! Today’s song is ‘Still’ by Hillary Scott and the Scott Family.

I believe that You are God alone

But sometimes I still try to take control

‘Cause I get scared when I can’t see the end

And all You want from me is to let go

Over and over in the Bible, both in the Old and the New testaments we find the command to ‘Be Still’. Exodus 14:14 says ‘The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still’. Psalm 46:10 says ‘Be still and know that I am God’. In Mark 4:39 Jesus tells the stormy sea ‘Quiet! Be still’. There are plenty more verses along this line. What I’ve noticed as a common theme amongst them all is that the command to ‘Be Still’ is given in a place of turmoil, of struggle, even of fighting. This is so counter-intuitive to us. We have been raised to be pro-active, to head off trouble before it finds us, to take charge of a situation and work towards the best possible outcome.

You’re parting waters

Making a way for me

You’re moving mountains that I don’t even see

You’ve answered my prayer before I even speak

All You need for me to be is still

If you look at some of the many difficult situations that people in the Bible got themselves into, the way out of trouble was not through their doing. The Israelites trying to flee Egypt were led to the Red Sea, trapped surely? Well, God opened the sea, making a way through for them. The Egyptians were not so fortunate! The Israelites didn’t need to do anything, God did it all. The same happened at the river Jordan, Joshua did what He was told by the Lord, and God opened the river so that they could pass through on dry land. The battle of Jericho was won by marching around the city walls. Gideon’s army was stripped down to barely any soldiers, and the enemies ended up killing themselves in confusion.

I bring my praise before I bring my need

‘Cause there’s no fear You’ve not already seen

I rest my heart on all Your promises

‘Cause I have seen and know Your faithfulness

If you are anything like me, we read these stories and maybe are even amazed. But we somehow don’t really believe that those miracles can happen in our lives. I need to solve my problems on my own. Sure, I’ll pray and ask God for help, but so often we take matters back into our own hands. We even try to tell God how to answer our prayers. Over the last 2 years I have been really challenged to pray and actually hand over my problems, worries and fears. And when I feel anxious I have to remind myself to not worry about those fears. I have had to remember that I handed them to God, I can’t take them back. And over and over my prayers have been answered. Sometimes in small ways, sometimes in much bigger things. But the more I have learned to really trust God in answering my prayers, the more faithful He is. So when He tells me to ‘Be Still and know that He is God’, I am able to let Him be God.

All You need for me to be is still

And know that You are God

Be still

And know that You, trust that You are parting waters

Lord, You whispered my name

Oh, You answered my prayer

You’re moving mountains

So while ‘being still’ feels like I’m doing nothing, it is actually an act of trust and faith. It is allowing God to be God and to do things His way. It is hard, and it isn’t passive. It is learning to walk with God and learning to trust that He knows what is best for me. It is learning that He knows more than I do, that He can see the bigger picture. What I have also learned is that so often God has answered prayers before I even asked them. He has brought people and situations into my life which have turned out to be so incredibly necessary and fulfilling needs which I only realised in retrospect.

So now my challenge when new issues and worries crop up, is to keep handing them back to God and trust that He will answer these prayers in the way that is best for me. There are a few things at the moment that I’m actively telling myself to not worry about, but to trust God completely to resolve. I don’t believe that I’m absolving myself of responsibility for my life, I act when I believe I need to. I feel like I make decisions much more easily and with so much less angst than before. I don’t second guess myself because I am trusting that I am being led to make the right choices. I will continue to learn to be still and trust that God is God and I am not.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/still/1444903310?i=1444903318

Watch the lyric video for ‘Still’ by Hilary Scott and the Scott Family

Click below for the My Song in the Night playlist, featuring songs from the blogs.

https://music.apple.com/za/playlist/my-song-in-the-night/pl.u-gxblMR7txxMyzv

For the Glory of it All

I’ve been reflecting on my journey recently. It’s been nearly 2 years of ups and downs, hard work, heart ache, blessings and so much more. It’s been amazing how my perspective on many things has changed, how my priorities have changed, I would imagine that even parts of my world view are changing. Today’s song is ‘The Glory of it All’ by David Crowder.

At the start

He was there

In the end

He’ll be there

And after all

Our hands have wrought

He forgives

Perspective changes can fundamentally alter so much in our lives. I have the image of a parent watching a toddler go about his day. So much of the day is hard work for the toddler, there is learning how to stand and walk, trying to form words, discovering toys and sand and sticks. Trying to feed himself is a challenge. The toddler finds so much delight in all the new discoveries, but there are plenty of tears too when things don’t go his way. He has to learn so much, and not all of it is fun. Who wants to take a nap when there is so much to do! For the parent looking on, so much of the child’s busyness seems unnecessary, yet she knows that it is what the child needs. She can see the delight and the tears, the frustration and the fun, and knows that everything serves a much greater purpose. She doesn’t do everything that the child does, but she is there to cuddle and comfort, to gently guide, protect and discipline so that the little one can grow and develop in a safe environment. The child knows that he is loved and cared for, which gives him the freedom to explore and learn.

Oh, the glory of it all

Is He came here

For the rescue of us all

That we may live

For the glory of it all

These past 2 years have shown me how I am that toddler. I have so much to learn and develop, and learning can be incredibly painful. I’m sure I have taken (and will continue to take) many unnecessary detours on my journey, but at each stage I learn something new, I grow and develop more into the person that I was made to be. And as I’ve fallen down so often recently, I’ve become more and more aware of the love and care that God has for me. Falling is really sore, and not being able to do what I really want to do, can be hurtful. But maybe God knows more than I do. Maybe He is keeping me safe, and gently guiding me towards what is best for me.

All is lost

Find Him there

After night

Dawn is there

And after all

Falls apart

He repairs

The joy for the toddler is that mom or dad picks up after them, they gently restore things to the way they should be. They forgive the tantrums, and fall even deeper in love with their child with every smile and giggle. Each new stage of development brings so much joy to the parents, every time that the toddler celebrates, his parents are right there with him. And unlike the human parents, God never gets tired, or overwhelmed by the constant needs and demands. God has endless grace and mercy for His ‘little ones’.

After night

Comes a light

Dawn is here

It’s a new day, a new day

Oh, everything will change

Things will never be the same

We will never be the same

For me here is the really great news, dawn is coming. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not a train. It is a new day. And I fully believe that the new day will be good, fresh and full of new possibilities. Once I have walked through this night, I will have changed. Things won’t be the same anymore. I will have learned so much, I will have discovered more about the world, about myself, about God.

I don’t know how long it will be until dawn arrives. So for now I just need to hold on to the hope and promise that it will come. And when I feel sore and sad and frustrated, I will allow myself to sit in my Father’s arms and be loved and comforted.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/the-glory-of-it-all/1440953947?i=640848311

Watch the lyric video for ‘For the Glory of it All’ by David Crowder

After the Affair

For those of you who are in South Africa, and who’s partner has had an affair, please join us for a weekend of sharing and healing. The retreat setting is in beautiful George. I will be sharing my story. The other main leader, Judith has also been through this trauma and will be sharing her wisdom.

The retreat will be held on the weekend of 30 August to 1 September 2019.

Contact details are on the invitation.

Beloved

I remember growing up and hearing from my grandfather that pain wasn’t always a bad thing, pain was our body’s way of sending us a message. My mother re-inforced this message. She’d tell me to listen to what my body was trying to tell me. I have tried to do this over the years, if I was in discomfort, I’d try and rest instead of forcing myself to keep going. Since being diagnosed with depression many years ago, I’ve tried to apply these lessons to my mental and emotional state of mind too. Today’s song is ‘Beloved’ by Jordan Feliz.

Head full of questions, how can you measure up?

To deserve affection, to ever be enough

For this existence

When did it get so hard?

Your heart is beating, alive and breathing

And there’s a reason why

You are essential, not accidental

And you should realize

You are beloved

I read a Facebook post by Lisa Terkeurst where she talks about how experiencing excruciating pain literally saved her life. Doctors were struggling to find the source of her pain, and she was praying desperately that God would take the pain away. It took 5 days before the doctors found what was wrong, and if the pain had gone away she would have probably been discharged and likely would have died. As I was reading this I was struck by the parallels with emotional pain. Our emotional and mental state are indicative of what is going on inside us. As a culture we tend to ignore or suppress emotional pain, we force ourselves to carry on despite how we are feeling. We don’t give our emotions and mental state the same significance that we give physical issues.

But we all know what happens when we don’t deal with the emotional difficulties we have experienced. We have all seen people over react to relatively minor incidents, we’ve seen excessive rage, difficulties in maintaining healthy relationships, the search for escape through drugs, alcohol and sex. I believe that much of this could be avoided if we deal with our emotional pain like we do with our physical pain.

You are beloved

I wanted you to know

You are beloved

Let it soak into your soul

Oh, forget the lies you heard

Rise above the hurt

And listen to these words

You are beloved

So as I was reading Lisa’s post I realised that I was thankful for my emotional pain and the journey that I am on. If I wasn’t feeling pain, then I wouldn’t be dealing with what has happened over the past couple of years. I have been processing a lot, working with my counselor and drawing closer to God. None of this would happen if I wasn’t experiencing the rejection, loss and sadness that I have been. As my counselor says, if you don’t experience the pain and deal with it now, it will come back at a later stage, and it will be even worse. I can’t just lose a 25 year relationship without consequences. I need to examine myself, find out who I am and acknowledge the depth of the betrayal. And I also need to look for the ways I am healing and growing and strengthening on this journey.

Sometimes a heart can feel like a heavy weight

It pulls you under and you just fall away

Is anybody gonna hear you call?

But there’s a purpose

Under the surface

And you don’t have to drown

Let me remind you

That love will find you

Let it lift you out

I have also drawn closer to God in a way that I have never done before. I am so aware of my need for Him. And as I reach out to Him in distress and sadness, so I allow Him to comfort me, to strengthen me and to guide me. The phrase ‘God will meet you in your need’ is so true for me. At every stage on this journey, God has met me where I’ve needed Him. He has made His presence known through music, friends, the Bible and just a deep sense of peace.

Don’t be afraid

Don’t let hope fade

Keep your eyes fixed on the light above

In the heartbreak, in your mistakes

Nothing can separate you from love

I chose today’s song because I believe that by dealing with our pain, both physical and emotional, we are honoring our bodies and our minds. We are showing love to ourselves. And the more we love ourselves, the more we realize and accept how much God loves us. We are his ‘beloved’, and we are deeply loved.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/beloved/1445666066?i=1445667813

Watch the lyric video for Beloved by Jordan Feliz

Praise You in this storm

The past couple of weeks have been really hard. I’ve been struggling with anxiety and have been feeling quite down. I have had enough of the struggle and darkness. How long will the pain last! Can I just skip to the part where life is good again? Despair has been lurking, waiting to push me off the cliff. I had a refrain running through my head but I couldn’t work out which song it was from. I eventually did a google search of the lyrics and found that it was ‘Praise you in this storm’ by Casting Crowns.

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down

And wiped our tears away,

Stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen

And it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear your whisper through the rain

I’m with you

And as your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

The God who gives and takes away

When I listened to it again, the lyrics resonated with me. Surely by now God could have sorted things out, healed the hurt and helped us move on! But He hasn’t, it’s still raining, sometimes it feels like a torrential rain and I wonder if I will just get washed away. I’m getting tired of holding on to hope.

And I’ll praise you in this storm

And I will lift my hands

And you are who you are

No matter where I am

And every tear I’ve cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise you in this storm

The image of God holding my tears in His hands gets me time and time again. It talks of such tender care, of deep, intimate love. It’s a sign of togetherness and comfort. I have realised that I’ve been watching the storm, and bemoaning the wind and rain. I have taken my eyes off of the One who calms the wind, who gentles the waves. Those moments where I’ve felt overwhelmed and drowning were the moments when I was relying on my own strength to see me through. And there is no way that I’m strong enough to walk through this hurricane.

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone how can I carry on

If I can’t find you

There is a Psalm that I love, and I’ve been praying over and over recently, especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed. It is Psalm 121, here are verses 1-4: “I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.”

Today’s song ends with these those words, and that was the refrain that I was thinking about. In my head when I say the words ‘I lift my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from?’, I picture God on top of the mountain. He created that mountain and He created me. He can see much further than I can, He knows infinitely more than I do. Surely He can give me the strength that I need to navigate this path! So today lift your eyes up off yourself and the troubles that surround you. Look at the One who made the mountains, who calms the seas and trust Him to give you the help that you need. Trust Him to see you through the storm, and to bring you to the peace and shelter on the other side. That is what I’m holding onto.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/praise-you-in-this-storm/269440851?i=269441147

Watch the lyric video for ‘Praise You in this storm’ by Casting Crowns

God only knows

Wide awake while the world is sound asleepin’

Too afraid of what might show up while you’re dreamin’

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you

Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you

Every day you try to pick up all the pieces

All the memories, they somehow never leave you

Nobody, nobody, nobody sees you

Nobody, nobody, nobody would believe you

One of the hardest things about going through a tough time is the loneliness. As much as people give support and love, you are the only one who can walk the road that you are on. I have amazing friends who have been an incredible support, and I thank God for them everyday. I have a group of people who pray for me and the kids, and I am so grateful to be able to send them messages to pray for something specific. But as supportive as they are, I still need to wake up everyday and face whatever the day brings. The song today is ‘God only knows’ by For King and Country.

God only knows what you’ve been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows how it’s killing you

But there’s a kind of love that God only knows

God only knows what you’ve been through

God only knows what they say about you

God only knows the real you

There’s a kind of love that God only knows

What has surprised me over and over in the last 2 years has been how God turns up when I need Him most. I know intellectually that He is with me all the time, but there is a big difference between head knowledge and heart awareness. There have been a number of times when I’ve been in such emotional pain that I have cried out in despair. I couldn’t have even put words to what I was feeling and I’d call out to God. Sometimes I would shout a loud ‘WHY’. Or it was a cry of desperation, a plea for relief from what I was feeling. There was usually a lot of anger. I didn’t know before this experience that acute emotional pain is as real as physical pain. But every time I was in that dark place, I would feel a deep presence, a comfort and reassurance. Once I had cried and released the pain, I would be filled with peace.

You keep a cover over every single secret

So afraid if someone saw them they would leave

But somebody, somebody, somebody sees you

Somebody, somebody will never leave you

I just knew that God saw me, God cried with me and He knew exactly what I was feeling. I couldn’t hide from Him or pretend that everything was ok. And as I’ve experienced Him in such a tangible way, I have realised that I don’t want to hide from Him any more. I also felt His guidance more clearly than I have ever felt it before. I couldn’t explain my actions other than I had a deep sense of when the time came to make a decision. Over and over when I had people suggesting I do one thing or the other, I knew that I would know when the time was right.

I can typically be pretty hard on myself and judge my thoughts and actions very harshly. I’ve had a few people question my situation and ask me if I couldn’t have done more or tried harder to save the marriage. But because I have experienced God over and over, and because I know that He knows me, I have found myself more sure of what I’ve done. I’ve been gentle with myself and learned to trust my decisions. I have been reassured that there is nothing more that I could have done.

Oh for the lonely, for the ashamed

The misunderstood, and the ones to blame

What if we could start over

We could start over

‘Cause there’s a kind of love that God only knows

For people looking at your situation, it may seem like the decisions are easy and obvious. But for you, it is not so simple. Once again God is the only one who really sees where you are, what is in your heart. And I want to encourage you to lean into Him. God only knows what you’re going through, God only knows the real you. And He loves you. I have allowed people to love and support me, and I have gratefully leaned on my friends. But I also have to lean on God because ultimately it comes down to Him and me.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/god-only-knows/1398353335?i=1398353598

Watch the music video for God Only Knows by For King and Country

Sinking Deep

The phrase ‘sinking deep’ conjures up a few images. There’s the image of falling into soft, gentle comfort like a bed, a bean bag or a giant hug. That image elicits feelings of warmth and reassurance. There is also sinking deep into a swamp, where your feet get trapped and you slowly start sinking lower and lower. This image can inspire fear and anxiety. Today’s song is also called ‘Sinking Deep’, by Hillsong and I chose it because it was relevant to me on a number of levels.

Standing here in Your presence

In a grace so relentless

I am won

By perfect love

Wrapped within the arms of heaven

In a peace that lasts forever

Sinking deep

In mercy’s sea

One of the realisations that I’ve had on this journey that I’m on, is that grief and heartbreak happen on many levels. Like an onion, layers are peeled back one at a time. As time moves on, I can feel the hurt in new ways. I’m ‘sinking deep’ into my new reality. As I encounter new ‘firsts’, so I have reminders of the way things were and will never be again. Sometimes it feels like many small stabs to the heart. Each time I have to reassure and comfort the kids, each time I have to step up to the plate where before my husband would have done so, every environment I’m in where he would have been with me before, are all reminders that life has irrevocably changed.

I’m wide awake

Drawing close

Stirred by grace

And all my heart is Yours

All fear removed

I breathe You in

I lean into Your love

Oh, Your love

I’ve recently been on holiday with the kids and some friends. We went to the coast and had a wonderful time, lots of time spent on the beach and swimming in the sea, even though it’s winter here. I love the ocean, my soul finds peace just staring out at the waves. But even though it was a great holiday, it was hard and I came back feeing sad and heavy. Thinking over why I felt like this, I realised that I had been holding myself together to make sure that the kids had fun. I had to drive further than I’ve ever had to on my own, and assume responsibility for the family where before that responsibility was shared. I was really proud of myself for handling everything that came my way with ease. But underneath I was angry and hurt that I was having to do it on my own. It just doesn’t feel fair. This anger was starting to become all consuming until I got into bed one night and started journaling my feelings. I turned on my music and the song Sinking Deep came on. I had a strong realization that now I needed to sink deep into God. I needed to let out the anger and then let it go. I needed to sink into the comfort that God longs to give me.

When I’m lost You pursue me

Lift my head to see Your glory

Lord of all

So beautiful

Here in You I find shelter

Captivated by the splendor

Of Your face

My secret place

It was amazing how much peace I got when I let go and focused on God again. I was able to lean into His love. I played this song on repeat and just imagined myself wrapped in His arms, sheltered by His grace and peace. I was able to put down the heaviness I was hauling around. Once again I was reminded that when my eyes focus on my pain, the pain seems to increase and take over. When I focus on God, it doesn’t diminish the pain but I’m reminded that I can get through this, that this pain isn’t going to last forever.

Love so deep

Is washing over me

Your face is all I seek

You are my everything

Jesus Christ

You are my one desire

Lord hear my only cry

To know You all my life

I want to encourage you to let out and let go of what is worrying you, of the pain and anger and frustrations that you are carrying around. God completely understands them, and He longs to offer you His comfort and peace. When life is overwhelming and you are wondering how you will keep going, that is when we need to sink deep into God and allow his peace and grace to surround us, fill us, confort us and re-energize us.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/sinking-deep-live/692897617?i=692898251

Watch the lyric video for Sinking Deep by Hillsong Young and Free

I’m done chasing feelings

I’ve recently read a few articles on Facebook that really resonated with me. They were about adultery, a subject close to my heart at the moment. They were both really challenging, and for those who have been married for a while, well worth a read. It is so easy to let certain behaviors creep into our lives, and we find it so easy to justify what we are doing. Today’s song has challenged me for a while and I felt like it would fit well. It’s called ‘Spirit Lead Me’ by Influence Music with Michael Ketterer.

This is my worship

This is my offering

In every moment

I withhold nothing

I’m learning to trust You

Even when I can’t see it

And even in suffering

I have to believe it

We are all aware of the ‘big’ sins, and we are quick to judge those who cross the line. Murder, stealing, corruption, and yes, adultery. But what makes up the ‘big’ sin is often a series of very ‘small’ and seemingly ‘insignificant’ sins. Things that don’t make anyone sit up and notice, behaviors which seem perfectly natural and totally justifiable. We have all heard how taking home the office stapler is theft, even though no one will really notice that you’ve done it. But so is finding comfort in a person who is not your spouse. Comparing your spouse to the younger, more energetic people at work is adultery. It is seemingly insignificant in that no one would notice and no one seems to get hurt. But people do get hurt.

‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ as Theodore Roosevelt said. How true that is. In a marriage of many years, the honeymoon is over, work stress is taking its toll, the kids are draining and life isn’t the Hollywood picture that we once imagined. Our husband or wife may have gained some weight, maybe lost some hair and the mystery has been lost as we’ve lived with each other for years. We may even be grumpy with each other a lot of the time. And we feel like we have lost their respect and appreciation. It seems so easy to talk to a colleague and feel ‘seen’ and admired again. We tell ourselves that we are actually sparing our spouse by off loading our problems on someone at work. But the gap has been created, the marriage is at risk. And we feel like we haven’t crossed the line yet.

If You say “it’s wrong”, then I’ll say “no”

If You say “release”, I’m letting go

If You’re in it with me, I’ll begin

And when You say to jump, I’m diving in

If You say “be still”, then I will wait

If You say to trust, I will obey

I don’t wanna follow my own ways

I’m done chasing feelings

Spirit lead me

Our culture is all about doing what ‘feels’ right and what ‘feels’ good. But our emotions are fickle and a very poor judge of wisdom. Love is a decision, a choice and not a feeling. When we choose to love someone for the rest of our lives, it doesn’t come with the proviso: ‘as long as I’m feeling in love’. The decision should not be conditional on our spouse doing x, y or z. The choice to love and marry someone is a commitment we make, regardless of what the other person does or doesn’t do. Now, I will acknowledge that there are circumstances which may make a marriage untenable, and I have learned to not judge others decisions. But there are many marriages which have broken down because one partner didn’t live up to the commitment that they made.

It felt like a burden

But once I could grasp it

You took me further

Further than I was asking

And simply to see You

It’s worth it all

My life is an altar

Let Your fire fall

The choice to have an affair usually doesn’t happen overnight, and usually doesn’t start in the bedroom. The affair starts with small decisions which do not honor the decision we made to love our spouse. And we justify all these choices and behaviors, we deserve to feel good because my wife doesn’t respect me any more. We deserve to be noticed and flirted with because my husband doesn’t ‘see’ me any more. We deserve more and more and more. But have you asked yourself if you are doing all this for your spouse? Have your noticed your wife, have you loved your husband? Jesus’ teaching is not on the premise that our needs are met first, that only when I am loved and understood will I then love and understand others. In fact Jesus taught us to be the servant, and commanded us to love God and others, while we love ourselves.

When all hope is gone

And Your word is all I’ve got

I have to believe

You still bring water from the rock

To satisfy my thirst

To love me at my worst

And even when I don’t remember

You remind me of my word

Ann Stewart-Porter wrote the posts on Facebook that I was referring too. She talks about putting a hedge around your marriage, protecting the most important of relationships. I thought that our marriage was solid, that we had the hedge in place. We had been through ups and downs but ultimately we knew we were in this together. We were both God loving people, and raised our kids on the importance of family. But still my husband had an affair. What I’m trying to stress is that NO ONE is immune from trials and temptation. NO marriage is immune from affairs. But we each can chose every day to honour our love for our spouse and to honour our commitment to each other.

I don’t trust my ways

I’m trading in my faults

I lay down everything

‘Cause You’re all that I want

I’ve landed on my knees

This is the cup You have for me

And even when it don’t make sense

I’m gonna let Your Spirit lead

The devastation of an affair is wide reaching. It doesn’t only involve the couple, but the kids have their reality changed for the rest of their lives. They will be forever altered by the choices that their parents make. Extended families are shaken by an affair, close friends are rattled. Faith communities, workplaces, school and so on all feel the affect of an affair. So don’t kid yourself that it is just between the two of you.

My prayer for you is that each day you choose your spouse again, every day you renew your commitment to him or her. Never take them for granted. And let the Spirit lead us into deeper love and grace.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/spirit-lead-me-live/1438919395?i=1438919731

Watch the lyric video for ‘Spirit Lead Me’

Shine

I often go about my life, busy with daily routine and I wonder if anyone ever actually sees me. I’ve spent many years as a stay at home mom (now I do work part time as well), and it can be a lonely experience. So much of my day would be spent alone, doing important work, but there were no colleagues or bosses checking in on me. I could really be doing anything and no one would know. I think suffering is a bit like that too, it is a lonely journey, and there are times that we wonder if anyone really ‘sees’ us.

Send me a sign

A hint, a whisper

Throw me a line

‘Cause I am listening

Come break the quiet

Breathe your awakening

Bring me to life

‘Cause I am fading

Today’s song is SMS (Shine) by David Crowder. I just love this song as it speaks into the feeling of wanting to be seen, to be noticed.

Shine Your light so I can see You

Pull me up, I need to be near You

Hold me, I need to feel loved

Can You overcome this heart that’s overcome?

We can so easily feel overcome by the troubles in our lives. We are conditioned to succeed and thrive no matter our circumstances, we need to keep being productive and to cope no matter what. But inside, our hearts may be crying out for more, we are desperate for help, for someone to lift us up and fill us on the inside to help us keep going. The question of whether even God can overcome our hearts that are overcome by life, starts to echo in our souls.

You sent a sign

A hint, a whisper

Human, divine

Heaven is listening

Death laid love quiet

Yet in the night a stirring

All around the rush of angels

This song reminds me that God has sent a sign that He is listening to the cries of my heart. Heaven hears me, the angels surround me, love has conquered all.

Shine Your light so all can see it

Lifted up, ’cause the whole world needs it

Love has come, what joy to hear it

He has overcome, He has overcome

So in that quiet place where my hearts dares to ask if I’m seen, the answer is a resounding YES. The Lord of creation sees me, the God of comfort sees me. I am never alone. The cries of my heart are heard. God has overcome my heart.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/sms-shine-radio-version/1440953947?i=640848382

Watch the lyric video for SMS (Shine) by David Crowder