2021 greetings to you all. This is a weird New Year, I’m not sure whether to say Happy New Year or ‘Sterkte’ (which is a South African expression of ‘strength in what lies ahead’). Most of us are nervous, anxious for the year that lies ahead. We are desperately hoping it will be better than 2020, but the signs are not looking good so far. I was fortunate to have gotten away on holiday and spend time with family I haven’t seen for a long time. It was so special to reconnect with nephews and their parents, and I came home refreshed, with new energy to face the year. Many weren’t so fortunate, which makes me more aware of my blessings.
There is a light
It burns brighter than the sun
He steals the night
And casts no shadow
There is hope
Should oceans rise and mountains fall
He never fails
Over the Christmas season I was reflecting on my journey of the last 3 years and I was celebrating how far I had come. I was able to enjoy Christmas without too much of a shadow. I was able to be present in family interactions without feeling the gap that has been ever present the last few years. I experienced a new sense of confidence and a peace within myself which can only come from the One who gives us peace which passes understanding. It felt like my journey was behind me, even though I knew that there would likely be little bumps in the road ahead.
Then January arrived, and with it came a number of triggers. Without even being aware of it, I was drawn far back into my pain and betrayal. I’ve been out of sorts, irritable, discontent and angry. One event felt like a well of hurt inside had been punctured, and a stream of venom came spewing out. I was taken aback by the strength of the emotion I was feeling. Shocked by its intensity.
So take heart
Let His love lead us through the night
Hold on to hope
And take courage again
I’ve been reading Lysa Terkuerst’s book ‘How to forgive what you can’t forget’. I had been patting myself on my back for how well I was doing. I was clearly making progress in forgiving my ex and various other people.
And then I was brought short by the realization that maybe I wasn’t doing as well as I thought I was. Another incident left me curled up on my bed in terror that I had to walk my journey again. It took a lot of processing and self talk to bring myself down from that anxiety.
In death by love
The fallen world was overcome
He wears the scars of our freedom
In His Name
All our fears are swept away
He never fails
I have also heard of a few other couples who had recently separated, and my heart broke for them. Knowing what the road out of a broken marriage holds I could only pray for mercy. I wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone. And yet…
What I have learnt has been life changing. God has not only walked beside me, but He carried me too. What I have experienced has changed me forever. I do not doubt His love for me, for all of us. I do not doubt that I am ever alone. I do not doubt that He is above all, over all and in all.
All our troubles
And all our tears
God our hope
He has overcome
All our failure
And all our fear
God our love
He has overcome
So where do I stand? I was feeling so positive and hopeful, then found myself being tossed around by memories. The ever present stress of the pandemic lurking, feeing like it’s creeping closer and closer drives an underlying anxiety. I have been feeling despair crawl closer, and my anxiety growing. So I stopped to look back. And by looking back, I am reminded that I have just experienced a hiccup. I do not have to walk the journey again, I’ve already done the work. I need to look back and remember what I’ve learned, remember where God is and what He’s done. And then I need to look Up.
All our heartache
And all our pain
God our healer
He has overcome
All our burdens
And all our shame
God our freedom
He has overcome
Only God knows what the year holds and how we will get through. We’re almost becoming used to the uncertainty of what next week will be like. And the general levels of anxiety are taking their toll on all of us. Will my family be spared? Am I being careful enough? So I’m reminding myself now to stop and look Up. I am not alone and I do not need to fear the unknown. I do not need to fear a huge regression. I do need to trust in the One who holds me safely in His palm. So Take Heart. He has overcome it all.
God our justice
God our grace
God our freedom
He has overcome
God our refuge
God our strength
God is with us
He has overcome
Today’s song is ‘Take Heart’ by Hillsong and is so appropriate for the times that we find ourselves in.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Kt1dagvzCfE
https://music.apple.com/za/album/take-heart-mmxx/1540265265?i=1540265273
My Song in the Night 