Even if

I was due to lead worship at my church recently, and I realised that I had nothing in me to give. I had very little inspiration, almost no energy and a despondent spirit within me. I remembered the song by MercyMe called ‘Even if’ and so I played it on my way to church to remind myself what it’s all really about.

They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now, right now I’m losing bad

I’ve stood on this stage night after night

Reminding the broken it’ll be alright

But right now, oh right now I just can’t

The weekend had been tough for me and my head was in a bad space, it felt like I was ‘losing bad’. I was going through the motions of life with a very heavy heart. I think sometimes when we are going through a rough time, it feels like everything catches up and threatens to overwhelm us. For me, I felt very despondent about my situation, and overwhelmed by the demands on me. The light at the end of the tunnel felt like a train heading straight towards me.

I know You’re able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don’t

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You’d just say the word

But even if You don’t

My hope is You alone

One of the really hard things to deal with while going through a difficult time is knowing that God could take away the suffering at any moment. He could heal the person who is dying, restore the broken relationship, redeem what has been lost. But so often He doesn’t. I am mostly at peace that He has a bigger plan and a perspective that I don’t have. But knowing that doesn’t lessen the pain or make the suffering easier to bear.

They say it only takes a little faith

To move a mountain

Well good thing

A little faith is all I have, right now

But God, when You choose

To leave mountains unmovable

Oh give me the strength to be able to sing

It is well with my soul

Over and over in my life I have looked back and seen, as Richard Rohr describes it, ‘the path straightening behind me’. I’ve been on journeys which, only in hindsight, I can see how valuable they were. I can see the lessons learned, skills gained and grace given to me, only when I look the rear view mirror. And so I know that somehow God is using and will use this new twist in my journey. Knowing that there is a purpose in our hardships does make it easier to bear. That knowledge doesn’t diminish the pain, but I believe it gives us strength to face what is happening to us. It encourages us to keep moving forward and trusting that God does in fact have a bigger plan for us.

How great is this verse from Psalm 56:8- “You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.”

You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

‘Cause I know You’re able

I know You can

So God may choose to not move the mountain in your path, or give you the answer that you’ve been looking for. But that doesn’t mean that He isn’t there with you in the midst of the pain. One day we will hopefully understand why God answered our prayers in the way that He did, but for now we need to put our hope in God, cling to Him and trust in the greater purpose of our suffering.

By the way, God blessed our worship that night. It happens so often that when we are at our weakest, God’s strength pours through, so we have no choice but to acknowledge how great He really is.

https://music.apple.com/za/album/even-if/1204326079?i=1204326990

Watch the video and testimony behind the song ‘Even If’ by MercyMe